Timbitten By The Man

In the biggest Canadian story ever, Nicole Lilliman of London Ontario, was fired by Tim Horton's yesterday for giving a baby a Timbit:

A single mother of four fired yesterday for giving a Timbit to a baby has been rehired by Tim Hortons.

Nicole Lilliman, canned for offering a free blob of dough to the child of a regular customer earlier this week, has been offered a job at another store by the company.

"I'm going to feel awkward, but I'm happy I have a job again," said Lilliman. "Yesterday, was hell. When I told my daughter I lost my job she started crying. She's only six, and she doesn't know, she said 'we won't have any food any more.'"

For those of you not in the know, a Timbit is like a donut hole. It's just a blob of dough dressed up with sugary goodness. Also keep in mind that Tim Horton's has a policy that if anyone using the drive through has a dog with them, the dog automatically gets one free Timbit. As for babies? Fuck them.

Tim Horton's has a zero policy of allowing free food to its customers. Even though a Timbit is worth exactly 16 cents, the rules are what they are. I'm with management on this one, behaviour like this cannot and should not be allowed to continue, it sets a bad precedence.

Put it this way: It always starts out with just a tiny little Timbit, but if these giveaways aren't immediately stopped, it leads to employees giving away larger items like Canadian Maple Donuts. From there the scones are freely dispensed, followed by cookies. Before you know it, the employees are dishing out bagels like there's no tomorrow. After the bagel, inevitably comes the French Vanilla cappuccino which always leads the breakfast sandwiches being dispensed willy-nilly.

I say no!!! At the rate which I'm explaining to you, all that is left at the end are a bunch of well fed fat bastards and a till that's full of nothing but loneliness and the tears of the under-paid management. And quite frankly, I will not live in a world like that.

Nicole Lilliman, you are the devil and you got exactly what you deserved. You are a rabble-rouser and a trouble maker and I'm glad The Man put a stop to your outrageous shenanigans.

Timbitch

NEXT--Play Mitchieville Trivia For Prizes!

ALSO--A Little Linkie Love

Hillary Clinton Might Possibly Be The Devil

At a campaign stop in Louisville, Ky., Thursday afternoon, Hillary Clinton made this prediction as to who was going to win the Kentucky Derby:

she suggested bettors might want to wager “a little money on the filly.”

The only filly in the race happened to be Eight Belles, who broke both front ankles in the race and had to be euthanized in front of thousands of horrified spectators. The horse that ended up winning was Big Brown.

The only way this story could be any spookier is if the horse that won the race was named Skinny Brown Moslem.

There's going to be a lot of sad people if Hillary ever decides to predict the next winner of the Girl Guides 10 Mile Run for Cancer.

And they're off...

Erotic Jesus Sparks Outrage

Curators at the museum of Vienna's Roman Catholic Cathedral have come under intense criticism, after they decided to display a retrospective honouring Austria's cherished artist Alfred Hrdlicka.

What could make the Catholic community so upset, you ask? Perhaps it has something to do with the theme of the art:

The Church hastily removed the main picture, "a homosexual orgy" of the Apostles as Hrdlicka describes it.

"I don't see any blasphemy here," he said, gesturing at a Crucifixion picture showing a soldier simultaneously beating Jesus and holding his genitals. "People can imagine what they want to."

But the most disputed work was Leonardo's Last Supper, restored by Pier Paolo Pasolini which showed cavorting Apostles sprawling over the dining table and masturbating each other.

That's it? Man, those Catholics sure can be nit-pickerish.

Parts of the article is downright funny, and other parts are downright mind-boggling. Here's a portion of the downright funny:

Currators weren't ready for a barrage of angry messages and calls to be shut down.

Although I may not be a curator and have a limited knowledge of art, even I can figure out that if you take the Last Supper and reorganize it to have Peter blowing Paul, Christians might get a tad angry about this.

I'm wondering what the curators actually thought the response to this was going to be? "Well, Dietmar, I'm sure after the public sees this picture of James sucking off Andrew, they'll be so happy they'll throw us a parade!"

On the downright mind-boggling side, here are a few responses from the curators and the *artist* himself:

The museum never intended to offend people, art should be allowed to provoke a debate.

And how could a picture of Jesus on the cross getting beaten to death while a soldier grabs his balls offend anyone? That's hardly offensive at all. Let's face it, Christians can be such prudes.

And here's what *artist* boy has to say about that particular piece or *art*:

"I don't see any blasphemy here," he said, gesturing at a Crucifixion picture showing a soldier simultaneously beating Jesus and holding his genitals. "People can imagine what they want to."

He doesn't see any blasphemy because he's a close-minded old fool who gets his perverted jollies sculpting and drawing naked men having sex with each other. Why on earth would it offend him, Christianity isn't sacred to him, it's just something to be mocked and ridiculed.

On the bright side, no one with any common sense respects his demented point of view. And when he dies, he'll die a lonely, crusty hack that people will remember as being that icky old fart who created vile shit that people laughed at.

Be gone with ya!

Two Men, One Heart, No Cup

In 1995, Sonny Graham was on the verge of congestive heart failure and was put on a transplant list for a new heart. That same year, Terry Cottle shot himself to death. Later that day, doctors transplanted Cottle's heart into Graham. Later that year, Graham called the Cottle house to thank them for his new lease on life. He struck up a correspondence with Cottle's widow, and before you know it, Graham and Cottle's widow were an item and eventually married a few years later.

And the story gets even weirder...

On Tuesday, Graham took his own life at his home in Vidalia, Ga. He was 69.

He was found with a single gunshot wound to the throat.

Two men, one heart, both die of gunshot wounds? Hollywood would have a hard time coming up with a story like that. Of course, if it was a Hollywood story, the heart would be possessed and controlled by the wife of both victims. Hmmmmm, I'm kind of too scared to continue my thought.

The End.

Violent Crime In Los Angeles Is About To End

The Los Angeles City Council reached out to gangs today, asking them, in honour of the death of Martin Luther King, to stop killing each other.....for 40 hours:

The moratorium, which will begin at 6:01 p.m. on Friday and end at 10:01 a.m. on Sunday -- will coincide with the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.

Council members said the moratorium is a way to generate dialogue on violence in Los Angeles neighborhoods.

I sat down with one of the leaders of the Crips today, we were enjoying a cup of Earl Gray and some delicious peach strudel, and I asked him whether he thought this proposal would generate dialogue within the gangs of Los Angeles, and he said, "Indubitably. We find this to be a realistic and commonsense approach to the violent crime that has wracked our wonderful neighbourhoods throughout the years. I have discussed this measure with my mates and we have all come to the conclusion that only love will bring us all together, and that peace is the only solution to the ongoing problems we face as a community. Yo."

Call me crazy, but I have a good feeling about this.

Pervert Puts His Bigfoot In Mouth

A North Carolina man was ordered to serve 20 years in prison for various sexually related crimes, after his unique plea for leniency was rejected:

Morrill reportedly told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report that he had been sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot.

However, Morrill was determined to be mentally competent to stand trial.

TLDG often says she feels like she was molested by bigfoot after we make love, but I always tell her that no, it only felt like Bigfoot, but it's really just me. Thanks for the compliment though.

Bigfoot? Naw, 8+ inches though, nice try.

Jiggly Bank Robber On The Loose

Toronto police are on the lookout for a bank robber that struck three times yesterday in a matter of 90 minutes. The police have a pretty good description of who they are looking for:

Although victims initially suspected that a man who robbed three banks within 90 minutes yesterday was wearing a fat suit as a disguise, police today say the man really is a fat guy.

"We don't believe it's a fat suit," Det. Russ Fairey told thestar.com today.

"We just think he is fat."

Police believe the "fat bandit" has pulled more than the three bank heists and the violence has been escalating.

If you think his violence has been escalating up to this point, wait until he reads the Red Star and finds out he's been labeled the fat bandit.

If this guy had any self-confidence issues before today, I would think that right about now he's contemplating going vertical on his wrists with a razor. Can it get any worse when the cops, even in this day of political correctness, nickname you the fat bandit? It couldn't be worse if the cops named him the Cock Wart Bandit. All the years of building up sufficient street cred, washed away by two little words.

This is a hold up, put all your donuts in this bag...

Drunk Mommy Hides Keys From Cops--In A *Special* Place

When Jennifer Lowery was picked up on suspicion of drinking & driving--her second offense-she did what any normal citizen would do: She hid the keys to avoid prosecution. Only problem, she didn't hide them deep enough:

Prosecutor Debra Jones said: "Officers approached her and asked whether she had driven the vehicle. She disputed that, but was intoxicated.

"When asked to provide a road side test she became verbally abusive, using foul language."

The court heard Lowery was warned that she would be arrested if she continued to swear in front of two young children.

At the police station, she provided a sample which revealed that she had 188 milligrammes of alcohol in 100 millilitres of blood – the legal limit is 80.

"She was asked to produce the keys and disputes she had driven the vehicle and was searched," added Mrs Jones.

...she hid her car keys in an intimate place in a bid to convince police she had not been driving.

The police were unable to find the 40 oz of whiskey that she was drinking from, but they have their suspicions where it might be.

NEXT--Carnie(vore) Wilson Chews The Fat About Weight Gain

AND--Is This Ad Racist?

Woman Stuck On Toilet For Two Years

A woman who spent two years attached to her toilet has been freed by paramedics:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," said Bryan Whipple, the sheriff of Ness County.

What are the chances that the guy who ends up prying a woman off a toilet after being attached to it for two years turns out to have the name of Mr. Whipple? I'd say about a trillion to one.

The man told investigators that he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow'," Mr Whipple said.

I'm not an interventionist by any means, but I'm sure if TLDG didn't leave the toilet for two years I'd make an exception. Have these people never heard the phrase "shit or get off the pot?"

What would an insane story be without an interview with the neighbour:

James Ellis, a neighbour, said the woman's mother died at a young age and she was apparently mostly kept inside the house where she grew up.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Mr Ellis said of the bathroom incident".

Really, not even a little? If this doesn't surprise the neighbour, I'm wondering what would? Maybe having his car turn into a Transformer, or seeing Jesus Christ in his tulip garden doing deep knee bends, who knows?

What have we learned today? I've learned that if TLDG doesn't come out of the bathroom for, let's say, 400 days, I'm going to make the effort to alert the authorities. I've learned that the visual of an insane woman whose skin is molded around a toilet seat, combined with the thought of her eating a grilled cheese sandwich, has pretty much turned me off of solid foods. Lastly, I've learned that wherever TLDG and I live, I'm going to have to insist on having two bathrooms. You never know...

Sorry Folks, Cemetary's Full

Seeing as there is no room left at the local cemetary, a French Mayor has taken some extraordinary steps to insure people will not use the graveyard when they pass on (I'm not sure that made much sense, but just go with it)--

The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
"all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."
It added: "Offenders will be severely punished."

I started this post at about 10pm Thursday night, and then went to bed halfway through writing it, before I got to the great one-liner ending I had thought of. Now it's Friday morning and I have no idea what my perfect one-liner was. So, I'll just ned this post and move on to something else.

Don't die or else

Red Sox Scout Arrested

A Boston Scout was arrested yesterday for committing a lewd act after being caught pulling his pud in public:

A scout for the Boston Red Sox accused of committing a lewd act in a hotel room that overlooked the pool where at least two teenage girls saw him was arrested Monday, police said Tuesday.

He must have thought he was a Yankee.

Thank you, I'll be here all night. Make sure to tip the waitress.

The Wildenbeast Is Loose

After 10 years of cosmetic surgery and close to $4 million dollars later, socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein not only lost her husband, but her looks (and probably her friends, family, the love of the Lord, ect):

Ms Wildenstein famously embarked on a radical amount of cosmetic procedures after fearing her millionaire art dealer husband would leave her.

The first time Wildenstein saw his newly-sculpted wife, he was said to have screamed in horror, unable to recognize her.

No shit, I'd scream too if the elephant man was sitting on my bed naked.

When I saw this picture, the first thought that came to my mind was, who the hell dug up Lucille Ball? It seems $4 million bucks doesn't get you a lot these days, she may want to get the extended warranty next time a surgeon attempts to beautify her. At this point though, torching her face with a Molotov cocktail would be beautifying her.

She's still considered sexy in Winnipeg!

Next--The Priority Test

Also--When good plants go bad

Dwarf Bodybuilder Wows People With His Dwarf Power

Aditya 'Romeo' Dev is considered the world's tiniest bodybuilder. At 2'9" and 9kg, Romeo can lift a whopping 1.5kg dumbbell. Indian locals flock to the gym where he works out to catch a glimpse of the Mini Me of bodybuilding:

"My size has never stopped me. I train with dumbbells and do aerobics and dance. People are always pleased to see me. I have been invited on TV shows and dance on stage."

"I earn good money through my dance and bodybuilding shows but being rich doesn't interest me.

For the record, my cats have buried bigger *surprises* than this guy.

There are not too many things in this world that I'm afraid of, I'm generally pretty confident in my own skin. Yet, for some reason, midgets scare the bejesus out of me. Having said that, Romeo doesn't scare me in the least. It must be because he doesn't have an enormous head and a small body. He has a regular, although small head, and a regular, although small body.

I suppose I'm not afraid of him because I'm confident that without the giant dwarf head that 99.7% of midgets sport, his superdwarf powers are gone. Therefore, I'm positive that if we ever engaged in fisticuffs, I would beat that fucking dwarf like a rented mule.

Suck on that, Romeo

Mitchieville Reader is JFK's Illigitimate Son

The internet is buzzing this afternoon on reports that Vanity Fair magazine has tracked down the illegitimate son of assasinated US president John F. Kennedy living in British Coumbia. These same reports state that Vanity Fair sent famous photographer, Harry Benson, who has photographed the Kennedy family in the past, to BC for portraits and are waiting DNA tests results or Kennedy family confirmation before going to press with the story. My only question is: Dmorris, why didn't you let Mitchieville break the story?

Ich Bin Ein Mitchieviller

The 2008 Krispy Kreme Calendar

Click to enlarge the enlargables...if you dare.

NEXT--Naked Ad Pisses Off Catholics

British Men Are Losing Their Moobs

As more men are becoming grossly overweight in England, cosmetic surgery for male breast reductions and tummy tucks are on the increase:

The number of tummy tucks carried out on men rose from 61 in 2006 to 98 last year. Most of these operations were carried out to remove loose skin caused by dramatic weight loss.

BAAPS surgeons also treated 224 men with so-called “moobs” (man boobs) as the total number of liposuction procedures in men rose from 494 in 2006 to 582 last year.

You will often hear people say that cosmetic surgery isn't the answer for an obese person. These people say that one should be happy in ones own skin, and that peace and contentment from ones soul and spirit should be the only measure of a person. Unfortunately, the people that say that are generally pretty disgustingly ugly, fat people.

Let's face it, cosmetic surgery rules. If you sport moobs, make your way to a cosmetic surgeon immediately. We live in a beautiful world full of beautiful people, and being a beautiful person myself, I can speak for the rest of the beautiful world when I say that moobs disgust us, and when all is said and done, moobed men are less human than us strikingly handsome and charming bastards.

Why should us beautiful people be subjected to having to live in the same world as porky dudes with giant tits? The answer is that we shouldn't. We shouldn't have to share the same air with guys with nipples so big that you could hang wet towels off of. We shouldn't have to share the same space with men that have areolas the size of dinner plates. We shouldn't have to eat at the same restaurants as guys who jiggle more than a vat of Jell-o.

It's not fair to us, send Fenris money

Is *Canadian* The New *N-Word?*

In congratulating a junior prosecutor with winning manslaughter convictions against an intoxicated driver, Harris County assistant district attorney Mike Trent wrote in an office-wide memo:

"He overcame a subversively good defence by Matt Hennessey that had some Canadians on the jury feeling sorry for the defendant and forced them to do the right thing."

The strange part is, there were no Canadian's on the jury. As a matter of fact, this case took place in Texas.

Trent claims he didn't know that the term *Canadian* is actually used in certain parts of the south as a derogatory word for blacks. Trent claims he originally heard the term from the prosecutor on the case, Rob Freyer.

Maybe someone is making much ado about nothing. Or maybe not:

An online directory of racial slurs defines Canadian as a "masked replacement" for black.

Last August, a blogger in Cincinnati reported that a black friend from the southeastern U.S. had recently discovered that she was being called a Canadian. "She told me a story of when she was working in a shop in the South and she overheard some of her customers complaining that they were always waited on by a Canadian at that place. She didn't understand what they were talking about and assumed they must be talking about someone else," the blogger wrote.

"After this happened several times with different patrons, she mentioned it to one of her co-workers. He told her that ‘Canadian' was the new derogatory term that racist Southerners were using to describe persons they would have previously referred to [with the N-word.]"

A similar case in Kansas City was reported last year on a Listserv, or electronic mailing list, used by linguistics experts. A University of Kansas linguist said that a waitress friend reported that "fellow workers used to use a name for inner-city families that were known to not leave a tip: Canadians. ‘Hey, we have a table of Canadians.... They're all yours.'"

Amazing. I guess when I travel to the States I'll have to tell people I'm from Sweden.

My buddy and I talked about this today and he thought that changing the word to Canadian from any other deregoatory word is certainly less offensive and doesn't mean the same thing any more. I think my buddy is wrong. I think that if you change a word around but in your mind it means the same thing, that word is no less offensive than the original nasty term.

For instance, if people start calling blacks *Canadian's* instead of any other nasty term, what if in 100 years the word *Canadian* means and has the same impact as a word like nigger or coon does in this day and age?

I suppose what I'm saying is this: Let's take the blacks as example. If you call a black person *spearmint*, but in the back of your mind you really want to call them the n-word, then spearmint really does mean the n-word, doesn't it?

Am I making any sense?

NEXT post--British Rent-A-Cops Left Cowering By 13 Year Old

AND--10 Great Links

My Sister-In-Law Isn't Bat-Shit Crazy After All

My brother and his wife were over for supper last Tuesday night (Top Sirloin Roast with all the trimmings) when my favourite sister-in-law told us the magnetic toys my son was playing with were dangerous. She explained that some kid in the States had swallowed the magnetic sticks then they reattached in the stomach and the kid died. Neither my brother or I believed her and then proceeded to tell her that was impossible and how a good doctor could pump those magnetic sticks right out of the little kiddies tummy. Favourite sister-in-law got her back up and we dropped the subject with my brother and I thinking that she was crazy. Imagine my surprise then when I was over at Strangedaze last night reading about the "10 Most Shocking Things Found In People's Stomachs" and I saw this:



Good thing my brother and I aren't doctors eh? So for you, favourite sister-in-law, I say it loud and I say it proud: you were right (beeyach).

Handicapped Canine-Canadian Stolen From Pet Shop

Police in Edmonton are looking for two dog nappers after a miniature Pincher puppy in an open pen was nabbed on Friday. The miniature Pincher is a rare, tan-coloured pooch, with one distinguishing feature that really stands out:

“It’s kind of a unique dog because it only has one testicle,” Hagarty said.

“It sticks out. I can’t imagine a miniature Pincher’s testicle being overly large but the fact that there’s only one hanging and not the other is gonna help identify this dog.”

What a sad story? Who would be nuts enough to steal a little dog like that? You really have to be prettyballsie to steal a dog right out from under the noses of the workers at the pet shop. I suppose now the dog will be treated like the family jewel, spoiled beyond belief. I'm sure the pet store employee working that day will get the sac. Maybe it's not fair that the guy gets bagged, but you have to be vigilant when you're working.

Canadian Cartoon Caper #1

I've got 1000 Carbon Credits for whoever can tell me who this is:



and the winner is "Larry who also leave comments at DMB" who knew that this is Canadian comic book hero Reid Fleming, "The Worlds Toughest Milkman".

True super hero fact: possesses superhuman strength

Not so true fact: once killed a lactose intolerant bad guy by forcing him to drink a litre of half and half cream and supergluing the guys arse shut.