What The Hell Am I?

I'm starting to run out of strange and bizarre animals to post about, I may have to start using the cast members from Rent. That'll mess you up real good.

Let's see what this abomination is all about:

Are characterised by a gelatinous, mostly scaleless, globose body; a large head, and generous complement of menacingly large, sharp, glassy fang-like teeth lining the jaws of a cavernous, oblique mouth. These teeth are depressible and present only in females. In some species there is a scattering of epidermal spinules on the body, and the scales (when present) are conical, hollow, and translucent. They possess an illicium and esca; the former being a modified dorsal spine—the "fishing rod"—and the latter being the bulbous, bioluminescent "fishing lure".

While females may reach a length of 18 centimetres or more, males remain under 3 centimetres.

That last bit of information takes Nancy Pelosi out of the equation. Hmmmmm.

Look at all those semi-foreign words above: globose, illicium, gelatinous--all of a sudden I got me a hankerin' for some Arby's.

This isn't about me though, this is about One of Three, who usually guesses this correctly, and so fast in fact that by the time I drive my massive SUV to City Hall, the answer is already in the comment section waiting for my approval.

What the hell am I?

What The Hell Am I?

Most of you correctly identified last week's What the Hell am I? sub-human lifeform. I must say, your ability to pick out a tranny has increased tremendously over the past year, and for that I'm most proud of you. You may not think that being able to distinguish the difference between a man and a woman as a valuable life skill, but I'm here to tell you you're wrong--It really is a valuable life skill, you just don't know it yet. Let's face it, Mitchieville is a conduit to higher learning, you are my grasshopper and I am your old Chinese man that plays the game, "Snatch this pea out of my hand." I understand if some of you are confused right now, but you David Carradine fans are eating this shit up, aren't you? Grasshopper.

So, What The Hell Am I?

Kim Petras--Would You Hit It?

Kim Petras, formerly Tim Petras, was the youngest person in the world to receive a sex change operation--at 12--has been signed by a German record label to record a new CD:

Now 16 years old Kim is ready to storm the charts with her first album after landing a record deal.

“I know that because of my past people will always bring up the subject, I can’t get away from it.

“But I hope that one day I might be better known for my music than for my past.”

Kim was diagnosed as a transsexual three years ago.

Doctors and psychiatrists concluded that her claims to be "in the wrong body" were so deeply felt that she required treatment.

Her therapy included artificially halting male puberty – with a series of potent hormone injections.

She was then administered female hormones to initiate the development of her breasts.

I'm pleased as punch that Kim is happy in her new body, I'm glad she has come to grips with her sexuality. Although, on one hand, now I feel like a complete fag because I think this chick is pretty hot. On the other hand, she does have long blond hair, blue eyes and pert breasts, so there's nothing faggy about digging a chick like that. On my third hand, I really hate how this type of false advertising has completely fucked up my mind and made me question my own sexuality.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a rye or seven, get a good glow on, and make TLDG walk funny.

That's some tranny goodness

Click Here To Go To The New Mitchieville

What The Hell Am I?

I'm genuinely surprised how many correctly guessed that last week's sideshow was actually a man. The guys and gals of Mitchieville really can spot the semi-guys and semi-gals outside Mitchieville, and that bodes well for your sexuality, I suppose.

Today's makeshift human is going to be a little harder to figure out, at least in my mind. At first I thought it was Miss Regina 2007, but then I looked a little closer and it kind of looked like my uncle Zeke. Uncle Zeke also has one giant tooth at the front of his mouth, we refer to it as "Uncle Zeke's Barn Door". I'm not sure why that is still funny to this day, but it is. The barn door is also great for cracking open beer cans.

Although at first blush you might think my uncle Zeke is quite useful, but he's really not, he's about as useless as they get--kind of like the unit in the picture. I suspect he/she has few redeeming qualities, other than his/her appearance brings laughter to people who are otherwise angry and maybe had a really shitty day.

Anywho--What The Hell Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

When Larry, Nancy and One of Three said that last week's bizarre creature was the cucumber, I had to laugh. If the sea had cucumbers, I reckoned, then I'm sure the Pacific is also filled with fava beans and wonderful aged bottles of Chianti. Oh look, the sea is like a giant buffet, could you pass the butter, please? Now I wish I could take that laugh back, because those monster-knowing folks were correct, last week's creature was the sea cucumber.

This week will be different, I'll be amazed if anyone will be able to guess what this odd looking beastie is. Here's some info in case you may have an inkling:

It has a tubular, segmented body lined with chaetae, small appendages that aids with its mobility. As it does not move outside its tube, it does not have any specialized appendages for movement or swimming.

The most distinct features are the two "crowns" that are shaped like Christmas-trees. These "crowns" are actually highly modified prostomial palps which are specialized mouth appendages. Each spiral is actually composed of feather-like tentacles called radioles, which are heavily ciliated which allows any prey that are trapped in them to be transported straight towards the mouth. While they are primarily feeding structures, it also uses its radioles for respiration. It is because of this that the structures are commonly called "gills".

It sounds sexy enough. Ya, good luck with that.

So, What in Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

For anyone to actually know that last week's bizarre animal was the rattail, it would make me believe that that person, or in this case, One of Three and Larry, had a rattail as a pet. However, that seems unlikely, rattails aren't exactly like your garden-variety dog or domesticated cat. I'm also pretty sure that they aren't available at your local retail aquarium. So, I suppose One of Three and Larry are just plain ole smart. Having said that, I would caution against telling them that for fear that their heads might explode from all the compliments, and I can't lose either one of those guys, for they are terrific commenter's.



Let's find out about this little beastie:...

with an elongated body and leathery skin, which is found on the sea floor worldwide. The body contains a single, branched gonad. Like all echinoderms, these have an endoskeleton just below the skin, calcified structures that are usually reduced to isolated microscopic ossicles (or sclerietes) joined by connective tissue. These can sometimes be enlarged to flattened plates, forming an armour. In pelagic species (Order Elasipodida, family Pelagothuriidae), the skeleton is often absent

I understand less than 20% of those words. But none-the-less, the 80% I did understand were riveting.

This is another hard one this week, at least coming from a guy that only eats what's in the ocean and not studies what's in it. How about you? Do you know what this creature is? Let me put this another way...

What in Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

A few weeks ago, the last time we played What in Tarnation Am I, One of Three guessed correctly that the fish in question was the awesome Marine hatchetfish. reg, Dino and Larry all had interesting guesses, but interesting doesn't equate into a correct answer, unless it's a Toronto public schools students exam paper. Nancy guessed that it was Pugsly, my stud squirrel that is squishing all competition in squirrel fights 2008, but Nancy's answer was driven out of jealousy so I will forgive her and possibly pray for her tonight when I go to bed at 8:30 like all the other cool kids are doing. As for the fish in question...

This large species has a rounded head and a mouth which faces forward to catch squid and fish that swim up off the seafloor. As with most of these disgusting bastards, the males of this species have a special drum machine on their swim bladder that is used to attract females. They have to be careful though, as other fish like morid cods have hydrophones on their swim bladders to hunt down the sources of such noises.

What In Tarnation Am I?

When your child asks to dress up as something scary this Halloween, I suggest outfitting him/her in a costume of this creature. Guaranteed to haunt your dreams. I've never heard of this creature, but there sure is a lot of information on it, such as:

Found most often at depths of 200-6000 meters in tropical and subtropical waters of the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans. They grow from 2.8 cm to nearly 2 feet. Their large, tubular eyes collect the faintest of light and focus well on targets both close and far. The eyes are permanently fixed gazing upwards. They undertake nightly migrations en masse, from depths of 3,600 metres to the upper 50-100 metres of the starlit water column. There they feed throughout the night, returning to the depths by daybreak. Their prey consists primarily of tiny copepods, amphipods, ostracods, euphausiids and other fish.

Sounds like a garden variety vampire, if you ask me.

Although I have never heard or seen a thing about these little fella's before in my life, maybe you have. Which begs the question: What In Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

I think the creature feature in the picture is wearing a bra, but I still think there is value in posting she/he/it for the What in Tarnation Am I? segment. We can't be certain of anything at this point, other than she/he/it has a beautiful smile and no doubt lights up any room she/he/it walks in to. However, let's give this segment a little twist this week and instead, play "What Was God Thinking?" Yes, I believe that makes more sense this week, What Was God Thinking?

What In Tarnation Am I?

Oh my Lord, it's ready to attack, everyone panic!!! Relax peoples, it's not a great white shark, it's not even an eel, it's not even related to the eel. It's actually a rather unremarkable creature that we have a limited amount of information on. And the information we do have on it is rather boring. I'm even yawning just thinking about this eel-looking, but not an eel, creature. Here is some information for you to digest:

These wee beasties are large, greatly elongated, pelagic Lampriform fish comprising the small family Regalecidae. Found in all temperate to tropical oceans yet rarely seen, this creatures family contains four species in two genera. One of these, the king of herrings (Regalecus glesne), is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest bony fish alive, at up to 11 meters (12 yards, 1 inch) in length.

That's strange, I thought Courtney Love was the longest bony fish alive. Maybe she was voted the longest, smelliest fish alive. I'll look into that for you.

Any idea what this creature is? Any guesses? Any tips on a good stock I can gamble on?

So, What In Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

One of Three and Larry successfully answered last week's What in Tarnation Am I?question. The odd looking animal was indeed the glass sponge. We can can debate whether a glass sponge is an animal or not, but there's one thing I think we can all agree on: These pants do not make my ass look fat.

I'm not sure if anyone is going to correctly guess what today's bizarre creature is. There wasn't much information on Wiki, but what I did find I will happily share with you now:

The Latin name for this creature is the Slutticus Piggycus Maximus. It is an animal that can only be found in England. It is perhaps the most vile creature on earth, even surpassing the odiousness of Peteracus Dohertyimus. This monster eats by two specific methods: through a pipe, or intravenously through various organs on its body. The Slutticus Piggycus Maximus is lazy and sloth-like, a shiftless slug that has very few, if any, redeeming qualities. Prone to disease, this beast seldomly breeds, but when it does, has very few faculties to be able to take care of its offspring properly.

That's not a lot of information to go on, it won't be easy to come up with an answer as to what this varmint is. Good luck to you sir/madam.

So, what in tarnation am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

Chris Taylor was correct, last week's animal was the loris. How the devil did Chris Taylor know that? Simple--Chris Taylor is a loris whisperer.

The way Chris works with the loris' is nothing short of amazing. Being a whisperer isn't an easy job, it can't be easy keeping your voice quiet all the time. I'm sure that at times Chris just wants to yell at the loris, "Hey, loris, stop acting the fool or there will be hell to pay!" But no, that's not the way Chris Taylor operates, he's a loris whisperer through and through. Yup, just like his great great great great auntie, who use to be a loris whisperer in the court of King William of Orange.

Let's get a little information about this week's *thing*, and see if we can decipher what in tarnation the little guy (or girl) is:

...one of 76 _______ species found during expeditions in the seas off Antarctica between 2002 and 2005. Seventeen species of _______ had never been found before and 37 were not known to live in those waters.

I know that isn't an awful lot of information to go on, as a matter of fact, I'm not sure that's any information to go on. You'll just have to work visually this week.

Whatever in tarnation this thing is, one thing I know is true: If you stepped on one, you would probably scream in pain. That's not a fact or anything, but I have a good feeling I'm right.

So, What in Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

If you guessed that last week's animal was the babirusa, then you should turn off the Discovery Channel and back away from the TV, because that's something you really have no need to know.

Todd, One of Three (I'm going with Son this week), Larry, and dmorris knew that the the babirusa was the animal in question last week. I'm surprised so many people knew what the name was of that stinkin' animal, I thought a babirusa was an Italian disco dancer from the 70's. Who knows, collectively we may all be right.

I've decided to go with a cute little animal this week. I'm sure with ears like that, this creature probably gets razzed pretty heavily by all the other animals in the mighty animal kingdom. Poor critter, maybe PETA can step in and protect you from the insults.

...is a nocturnal mouse-like rodent with a long tail, long hind legs for jumping, and exceptionally large ears. It has been reported in China and in ten localities in desert habitats of Trans Altai Govi Desert and the Gobi Desert in Mongolia. A large part of the species is believed to occur in Mongolia within protected areas. Very little is known about the species.

Awwww, now I feel bad that insulted the little guy.

There really isn't much information on this animal, that's everything I could pull from my source.

Riddle me this: What In Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

It surprised me that so many people knew what last week's animal was. Fenris, dmorris, Larry, Todd, they all knew that it was a Chacoan peccary. I guess what surprises me so much is that these guys knew what kind of bizarre animal I posted, yet there isn't one man among them that can tie a Windsor knot. Strange, oui?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting their knowledge of exotic animals, but I do question their fashion sense. Seriously, who wears a white belt with a black sports jacket? I'll tell you who--Fenris, dmorris, Larry and Todd. I'll be perfectly honest, it's more than a little embarrassing being around them when we all go to the synagogue every Tuesday for Euchre night.

Anyway, i don't have a ton of information about this next ugly looking beastie, but here's what I do have:

A wild pig in the Asian Island region with one set of tusks grow up along the snout, the others grow through the top of the muzzle and curves back toward the forehead.

That's not a lot to go on, I found it hard to find information on this mysteriously, and quite disgusting, animal.

Maybe you recognize what this creature is. If so, drop a comment in the applicable box, and watch as other humans *awwww* and *ahhhh* over the breadth of your knowledge. It's quite fun, you'll like listening to those sounds.

So, What in Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

One of Three and Frozen Tex correctly answered that last week's animal posted was the Fossa. One of Three (which may be the father, son, or holy spirit, I haven't figured out which one) had this to say about the Fossa:

It has retractable claws like a cat, walks on the soles of its feet like a wolverine, looks a bit like a jaguarundi, and has scent glands like a mongoose.

And how did Frozen Tex know last week's animal was a Fossa?

'they were also the "bad guys" in the movie "Madagascar"'

That's great stuff.

It doesn't matter how we get there, as long as we get there.

I believe that was me waxing poetically. Or whatever.



Before you incorrectly guess that this animal is a woodchuck, let me give you some information about the little fella first:

When frightened, this animal flees, raising the long hairs on their back and spraying secretions from their dorsal gland, presumably to keep the group together in the dense brush via odor. These secretions are rubbed against group members.

It seems this animal does a lot of running and secreting, so, my guess is that it's French in origin.

Thank you, I'll be here all day.

Do you know what this cowardly, secreting throwing vermin is (I'm not sure it's a vermin, don't let me throw you off). Was this animal in a movie like the Fossa? Was this animal in a movie where they needed a secreting animal? I don't know, I'm asking you.

So, What in Tarnation Am I?

What In Tarnation Am I?

Just from the look of this animal, I can tell that if I was to ever get into a fight with it, there would be no victor. If I sold tickets for $30 on pay-per-view, I'm sure I would make a small fortune. I'm not sure if I'd ever get a chance to spend the money though, the medical bills alone would most likely cancel out any cash I made through TV revenues.


Now I can't stop thinking about it. Man, I sure would like to punch this thing out. Let's see what some information source says about this fella:

a meat-eating mammal that lives in rainforests and wooded savannas on the island of Madagascar. It is the largest native predator on Madagascar. The ______ is related to the mongoose. ______'s are fast runners and are also very good at climbing trees.

Here's a message for all you mongoose's out there: Tell your cousins that The Mayor is all hopped up and is coming for you. It's go time!

You are now fitted with all the information you need to make an educated guess as to the identity of this animal.

So, What In Tarnation Am I?

What The Hell Disease Am I Most Likely To Contract And Die From?

Whenever I see Amy Winehouse's face, the first thing that comes into my mind, other than suicide, is the phrase, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"

I've never really had a good look at the severity that is Amy Winehouse's face until this morning. Suffice to say, this hasn't been a good morning.

I understand that it is going to be damn near impossible to guess the one disease that Amy Winehouse is going to die from, considering her body is like a Haitian Petri dish, but we're going to give it the old college try and give it a go anyway.

If I was to guess, I would say genital ulcer disease with a side of full blown syphilis. Shit, those are two diseases, I can't even follow my own rules.

What do you think? What The Hell Disease Am I Most Likely To Contract And Die With?

What The Hell Am I?

Although I still think What the Hell Am I? is still fun, after a few weeks of playing, I find that I'm really starting to question my judgment. Up is down and black is white, I don't now what the hell is going on. I'm so screwed in the head that before I make sweet love to TLDG, I reach between her legs to make sure she's not sporting a twig and two berries.

God help me.

We're back to Oriental women/men this week. By far they are the hardest to guess, we've been through this before and know all the reasons why. However, I still don't know where you stand on this picture: Is it a man or is it a woman? Or in other words...

What the Hell Am I?

What The Hell Am I?

I'll be the first to admit, this one is not easy. At first glance, you would think it's just a run of the mill ugly New Yorker, but then if you take another boo, you can start to pick out the features of a man in there.

The beard doesn't throw me, I just figure she is from Bulgaria, or Yonkers. The small breasts don't mean a thing, maybe she's a gymnast. The thin arms, the way her handbag is placed perfectly around her dainty neck. Yup, no doubt about it, it has to be a girlie.

That's just my opinion, however, You may have a different view. Let's hear it.

What The Hell Am I?

Contrary to the opinion of certain people, last week's What the Hell Am I animal was NOT a Himalayan Miniature Walrus. That answer did make The Mayor lol and roflao, and even a little bit of omgroflao.

KenshoOmu and Steyr did correctly identify that said animal in question was the naked mole rat. It is always curious to me when people tend to guess the more bizarre animals, they often have a reason WHY they knew the bizarre animal. "Oh, I knew that because my kid watched a program on them last week. I knew that answer because I saw one at the zoo last summer. I knew that answer because I'm currently paying child support to one".

This week we are switching back to trying to figure out if the person in the picture is a man or a woman. It may seem like a slam dunk this week, but maybe now is not the time to be too cocky, or cockyless. Maybe I'm trying to throw you for a loop, perhaps I'm serious. One thing I know for certain though, dmorris really hates the Toronto Star.

Take a guess and leave it in the commentable section and then go to Darcey's site to find out the answer. There's even a really interesting story that goes with the picture. A story that will make you laugh, cry, and possibly lose bodily fluids. How the story will achieve you losing body fluids is beyond me, but you've had stranger things happen to your body before and we both know it's true.

So, What the Hell Am I?