Woman Stuck On Toilet For Two Years

A woman who spent two years attached to her toilet has been freed by paramedics:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," said Bryan Whipple, the sheriff of Ness County.

What are the chances that the guy who ends up prying a woman off a toilet after being attached to it for two years turns out to have the name of Mr. Whipple? I'd say about a trillion to one.

The man told investigators that he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow'," Mr Whipple said.

I'm not an interventionist by any means, but I'm sure if TLDG didn't leave the toilet for two years I'd make an exception. Have these people never heard the phrase "shit or get off the pot?"

What would an insane story be without an interview with the neighbour:

James Ellis, a neighbour, said the woman's mother died at a young age and she was apparently mostly kept inside the house where she grew up.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Mr Ellis said of the bathroom incident".

Really, not even a little? If this doesn't surprise the neighbour, I'm wondering what would? Maybe having his car turn into a Transformer, or seeing Jesus Christ in his tulip garden doing deep knee bends, who knows?

What have we learned today? I've learned that if TLDG doesn't come out of the bathroom for, let's say, 400 days, I'm going to make the effort to alert the authorities. I've learned that the visual of an insane woman whose skin is molded around a toilet seat, combined with the thought of her eating a grilled cheese sandwich, has pretty much turned me off of solid foods. Lastly, I've learned that wherever TLDG and I live, I'm going to have to insist on having two bathrooms. You never know...