George Smitherman Cares

Next time you have to wait for months to see a specialist in Ontario, or hours for care in an emergency ward, or years for a publicly paid family doctor to accept your application, take a deep breath of tolerance and diversity and think of the tormented victims who have to pay for a sex change out of their own pockets. Rest assured that while you are essentially denied the right to jump the queue, you do get *free* care. The trans community does not however currently enjoy this *right*.


Ontario Health Minister George Smitherman is upset by this injustice. Many of these victims of their body parts cannot afford the operation. Activists are quick to remind us that the inability to transform their bodies to fit their mental image results in depression, violence and even suicide. All the more reason for the government to reinstate funding for sex change operations.

Health Minister George Smitherman said Wednesday he has an obligation to consider the health of every resident in the province, and re-enlisting sex change operations is something the Ontario Human Rights Commission has repeatedly called for.

About 10 people a year in Ontario undergo the surgery, which would cost OHIP about $200,000. Smitherman said the figure can easily be covered in the government's $40-billion health care budget.

"It's something that's always been a matter of consideration for me," the minister said of having the government pay for the operation.

"As a representative for the riding of Toronto-Centre, I tend to know more of these (transgendered) folks than most other people would, so my level of awareness, I suppose, informs me perhaps a little more personally."

NDP MPP Cheri DiNovo also says the surgery improves people's lives.

"It's a minority that suffers greatly -- they have a huge high rate of suicide, depression," DiNovo said.

"It's a community that's beset by violence. This is the trans life in our community and we should do everything we can to make their life easier." (CTV)

cp: London Fog and Dust My Broom. We care too!

Masturbation Cuts Cancer Risk

Australian researchers have come to the conclusion that men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation. In other news, there is no other news:

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

Imagine, all those times you told the ladies that if you don't *get off* you could die, wasn't a lie.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

I'm sure most of you are doing the math right now and figuring if you're 1/3 less likely to develop cancer if you stroke it 5 times a week, then you're probably closer to 20x less likely considering your dirty little habit.

How does masturbation prevent cancer, you ask?

The researchers suggest that ejaculating may prevent carcinogens accumulating in the prostate gland.

The prostate provides a fluid into semen during ejaculation that activates sperm and prevents them sticking together.

The fluid has high concentrations of substances including potassium, zinc, fructose and citric acid, which are drawn from the bloodstream.

I believe those are the same ingredients in a Caesars salad.

I'm sure most of you are doing the happy dance right now, thinking you are immune from cancer. Well, you're not. You fluked out. Your bizarre fetishes and freakish obsessions may have put you on the road to physical fitness, but it still won't keep you out of the clink if you're caught acting out your grotesque masturbatory puppet show by the police .

I suppose what I'm saying is this: Even though you think your unnatural chronic masturbation habit is good for your health, you still have to eat right and exercise, stop smoking and cut down on your booze intake. Combine that with your disgusting habit of jerking off like a deviant who needs psychological help, and you may live a few more years.

If you think that masturbation is the answer, you haven't asked yourself all the right questions.

NEXT post--Mugshot of the Week

ALSO--Focus on Poverty

What Causes Traffic Jams?

A team led by Prof Yuki Sugiyama of Nagoya University, who has spent more than a decade puzzling over the problem of what causes traffic jams, has come to an incredible conclusion:

The real origin of the snarl up often has nothing to do with obvious obstructions such as accidents or construction work but is simply the result of there being too many cars.

I'm pretty sure that at this point, if I had a lab coat, a pocket protector and bad eyesight, I could get a grant to study some particular oddity. Like, why do my eyes hurt when I stare at the sun? Or, why does my cat cry when I pull its tail? Sure it might take me 10 years to figure out the answer, but when I do, you people will be nothing short of amazed!

Baby you can't drive my car

NEXT--Jordan Models Lingerie

AND--How Many Deer Do You See?

My Sister-In-Law Isn't Bat-Shit Crazy After All

My brother and his wife were over for supper last Tuesday night (Top Sirloin Roast with all the trimmings) when my favourite sister-in-law told us the magnetic toys my son was playing with were dangerous. She explained that some kid in the States had swallowed the magnetic sticks then they reattached in the stomach and the kid died. Neither my brother or I believed her and then proceeded to tell her that was impossible and how a good doctor could pump those magnetic sticks right out of the little kiddies tummy. Favourite sister-in-law got her back up and we dropped the subject with my brother and I thinking that she was crazy. Imagine my surprise then when I was over at Strangedaze last night reading about the "10 Most Shocking Things Found In People's Stomachs" and I saw this:



Good thing my brother and I aren't doctors eh? So for you, favourite sister-in-law, I say it loud and I say it proud: you were right (beeyach).

Study Links Teen Girls' Status To Weight Gain

A recently released study, shows that the lower teenagers feel they are on their school's social ladder, the fatter they become in later life (that's not exactly how they worded it, but it's close enough). Here is the question that was posed to the teenager's in order to gain that information:

"At the top of the ladder are the people in your school with the most respect and the highest standing. At the bottom are the people who no one respects and no one wants to hang around with. Where would you place yourself on the ladder?"

I'm not sure this study is telling us anything we don't know. I've never heard of one school in the universe where the most popular girl on the school social ladder was Obese Edna. That's most likely due to the fact that obese women tend to bust ladders when their large, puffy feet touch the rungs.

Everything always works out the way God intends it to. Large women are God's way of letting drunk guys get laid. That's where the popularity factor takes a sudden change in school. Maybe Large Marge isn't so popular right now, but after a few times of wedging open her ginormous legs and letting the football team treat her like a fetish monkey treats a hemorrhoid donut, Large Marge will have developed some pretty impressive skillz. Skillz that will, no doubt, come in very handy as she's working the street corners of Sandusky, Pennsylvania in 7 years.

Go Team!

Is Exercise Healthy For You?

A new study from Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, has found a correlation between physical activity and maintaining a stable weight:

Researchers examined data from over 2,600 participants in the Coronary Artery Risk Development in Young Adults (CARDIA) study to determine if high activity patterns over time were associated with maintaining a stable BMI.

A consistently high level of physical activity from young adulthood into middle age increases the odds of maintaining a stable weight and lessens the amount of weight gained over time.

I'll be damned. So, if I'm reading this correctly, if you exercise regularly when you're young, and probably eat right, there is a good chance that you will not become obese in later years?

You could knock me down with a feather.

I've often thought that, but I've never had solid proof. Thank you $2.1 million dollar study!

Better Care Saves 89,000 Afghani Kids This Year

For those of you that are wondering why Mitchieville supports our Canadian troops in Afghanistan, this article should clear that up rather nicely:

Close to 90,000 children who would have died before age 5 in Afghanistan during Taliban rule will stay alive this year because of advances in medical care in the country, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said Sunday.

The under-5 child mortality rate in Afghanistan has declined from an estimated 257 deaths per 1,000 live births in 2001 to about 191 per 1,000 in 2006, the Ministry of Public Health said, relying on a new study by Johns Hopkins University.

The U.N. and aid agency Save the Children both hailed the advances in health care in Afghanistan.

"This is certainly very positive news," said the U.N. spokesman in Afghanistan, Adrian Edwards. "To come from such low life expectancy to see this improvement does appear to be an indication that the work on the health sector here is beginning to pay off."

That is excellent news. We have to give credit where credit is due, and it starts with the troops on the ground.

This is the last day to Vote Mitchieville as Canada's Best Blog--It takes All of Five Seconds to do

Babies Are Destroying Women's Social Life

A survey conducted by very smart people with pocket protectors found that a large percentage of women feel that having a baby has destroyed their social life:

Two-thirds of new mothers say having a baby has destroyed their social life and they resent their partners for continuing to go out, says a study released today.

The first year after childbirth is the loneliest time of a young woman's life, the survey claims, as mothers with new babies spend only 90 minutes a day in the company of adults other than their partners.

Who would have thought that having a baby would mean so much sacrificing?

Someone should have told these ladies that there is indeed a possibility that having children might cut into party time.

What's next, women are devastated that having babies means more laundry?

The 10 Most Caffeinated Diet Drinks

Did you know that most diet drinks have as much or more caffeine as their regular sugar-filled counterparts? According to The Diet Blog, it's true.

The diet Mountain Dew you see here has 55mg of caffeine, but that's the American version, in Canada, Mountain Dew has a big fat 0. I always heard that see-through drinks, like ginger ale, have no caffeine. Mountain Dew isn't exactly clear, but none-the-less, it has zero caffeine (in Canada).

I was shocked when I read this top 10 list. It's bad enough that these diet drinks are loaded with aspertame and sucralose, but add in large amounts of caffeine and you have a recipe that not only will rot your face off, but it will keep you awake long enough so you can watch your face rot off.

Go have a boo at the top 10, and tomorrow when your wife/husband packs you a can of any one of these delicious diet drinks for lunch, you can look them straight in the eye and say, "What the hell do you think you're doing, bitch/bastard, are you trying to kill me?"

Does Grapefruit Increase The Risk Of Breast Cancer?

Yes, yes it does:

A study of 50,000 post-menopausal women found eating just a quarter of a grapefruit daily raised the risk by up to 30%.

Previous studies have shown that a molecule called cytochrome P450 3A4 (CYP3A4) is involved in metabolising oestrogen hormones.

And grapefruit may boost blood oestrogen levels by inhibiting this molecule, allowing the hormones to build up.

The researchers found that in women who ate at least a quarter of a grapefruit daily, levels of oestrogen were higher.

They said: "It is well established that oestrogen is associated with breast cancer risk.

When I first read this article, I couldn't believe it. I thought it was shocking and incredible. I thought of the horrible ramifications this could/will have on women everywhere. Then I started to think of all the women I've known in my life, and I came to the realization that I have never seen even one of them eating a grapefruit. It's as if women are one with fruit. They know what harms them and they stay away.

Boo grapefruit, yeah women!

Gay Funded Study Finds Exactly What It Wants

In what only can be described as shocking, a new survey reveals that anti-gay hate crime is completely out of control:

Nearly four in 10 gay men and about one in eight lesbians and bisexuals in the United States have been the target of violence or a property crime because of their sexual orientation, according to a new study.

Before we continue, and out of sheer curiosity, who commissioned this survey?

Data collection for the study was supported by a grant from the Gill Foundation, a Denver-based organization that supports equal opportunities for people regardless of sexual orientation or gender expression.

What/who is this Gill Foundation that's being spoken of? Great question, let's Google them...

The Gill Foundation, established in 1994 by software entrepreneur Tim Gill, seeks to secure equal opportunity for all people regardless of sexual orientation or gender expression. The Gill Foundation is the nation's largest funder focusing primarily on lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender civil rights.

The Gay & Lesbian Fund for Colorado was established in 1996 as a program of the Gill Foundation.

Remember, The Gill foundation seeks to secure opportunity for *All people* regardless of sexual orientation.

Now, let's have a boo at who is considered *Funding Priority* at the Gill foundation:

The Gill Foundation considers grant applications from national and statewide lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) organizations (in states other than Colorado), working to ensure equal opportunity for all people regardless of sexual orientation or gender expression.

I'm sure they just forgot to add the word heteronormative on the Grants page, because the way it stands right now, it seems awfully discriminatory.

Well, I'm sure the foundation itself hires non-gays, I mean, they are against discrimination of all kinds, and even in the survey which they themselves commissioned, a large % of gays say they weren't hired because of their sexual orientation, right? Let's count how many straights there are on the Gill Board. This will prove that the Gill foundation leads by example:

Urvashi Vaid was elected to the board of directors in September 2004. Widely recognized for her work as a gay rights activist and leader

0/1. That's okay, I'm sure the next two will be raving hetero's:

David was the first openly gay partner of Goldman Sachs and the most senior openly gay person on Wall Street at the time

I'm not giving up hope, the next guy looks totally straight:

Tim and his partner Scott Miller live in Denver, Colorado

I'm excited with all the diversity at the Gill Foundation.

Getting back to the survey, I'll save you some time: Every gay has been abused in one form or another. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, I never discriminate against gays, my friends and family don't either, how is it possible that all these gay folk are being abused so much? First of all, get those thoughts out of your head, what are you, some sort of homophobe? Stop thinking how, and start asking what can we do as a society to help these tortured souls:

"These data highlight the continuing need for criminal justice programs to prevent and deter anti-gay crimes, as well as the need for victim services that will help to alleviate the physical, economic, social and psychological consequences of such crimes," Herek said.

More grants by gay foundations to *Doctors* to prove the prejudice against gays to secure more funding to The Gill foundation to give to doctors for more studies. Oui?

Now that's gay.

Does Aspertame Cause Cancer?

Some group that gave low daily doses of aspartame to 4000 rats and followed them around seem to think so:

"Because aspartame is so widely consumed, it is urgent that the FDA evaluate whether aspartame still poses a 'reasonable certainty of no harm,' the standard used for gauging the safety of food additives," said CSPI executive director Michael F. Jacobson. "But consumers, particularly parents, shouldn't wait for the FDA to act. People shouldn't panic, but they should stop buying beverages and foods containing aspartame."

We shouldn't panic, but we should stop buying foods and drink that contain it? While you're at it, it might be a wise idea to scrub your colon with sulphuric acid.

While the CSPI seem pretty cock-sure that aspartame is about as healthy for you as sucking on the devils dick, the FDA doesn't see it that way:

"However, the conclusions from this second European Ramazzini Foundation are not consistent with those from the large number of studies on aspartame that have been evaluated by FDA, including five previously conducted negative chronic carcinogenicity studies,"

Who to believe, the FDA or some advocacy group? No one knows, maybe this CSPI crowd are bought and paid by the giant sugar conglomerates. You can never tell.

I can't tell you either way if aspartame is good or bad for you, but I do know one thing: Aspartame tastes like ass water. Anything with saccharin or aspartame gives the food or drink it is in a tinny taste, real metallic-like.

If you want to hang in there for a few more years, stop drinking diet drinks altogether and start drinking Coke. I know too many hippos that only drink diet pop, but they drink 10 of them a day, that's no way to live. The idea is to limit yourself. If you have a Coke a day you'll live to be 350 years old. If you drink 5 diet drinks a day, well, you'll be playing bacchi ball with Saddam Hussein and John Wayne in heaven in no time. Well, maybe not John Wayne, but definitely Saddam Hussein. John Wayne wouldn't hang out with a bunch of diet pop drinking homos.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Candy-Assed Researchers Study Candy Smoking Kids

New research shows that if you smoked candy cigarettes as a child, you are more likely to smoke real cigarettes as an adult (as opposed to candy cigarettes as an adult, I suppose)

The study is the first to show a statistical link between a history with fake cigarettes and adult experiences with real smokes —22 percent of current or former smokers had also regularly consumed candy cigarettes, while only 14 percent of those who have never smoked had eaten or played with candy cigarettes often or very often.

I'm not so sure that's a cut and dry link between smoking Popeye's and smoking smokes, it all seems a bit weak. 22% to 14% is not a slam dunk.

If the researchers are trying to find out why smokers smoke and what drove them to smoking, ask the smokers if their parent were addicted to the evil weed. I'm sure you will find most smokers parents smoked, most likely in front of them, and probably in the house.

If you followed the reasoning of the researchers, then kids that played with dinky cars, FAST dinky cars, are more likely than kids that played with Tonka trucks to be fast drivers with no concern for others on the road. Or kids that played with toy guns have a better chance of turning into gun-wielding murderers as adults, that's simply ridiculous.

Compulsive/addictive personalities have more to do with why smokers smoke than candy cigarettes. Then again, maybe grant money wouldn't be given to researchers to find out something that's so blatantly obvious as that.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Stopping the evolution of scientific research when it's convenient

A favoured way to avoid debate about global warming is to stuff ones ears with cotton, while proclaiming the issue has already been decided upon because there is consensus in the scientific community. Lawrence Solomon, writing for the National Post, has been chronicling the deniers and concludes diversity is in jeopardy.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that a scientific consensus exists on climate change. Certainly there is no consensus at the very top echelons of scientists -- the ranks from which I have been drawing my subjects -- and certainly there is no consensus among astrophysicists and other solar scientists, several of whom I have profiled. If anything, the majority view among these subsets of the scientific community may run in the opposite direction. Not only do most of my interviewees either discount or disparage the conventional wisdom as represented by the IPCC [the United Nation's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change], many say their peers generally consider it to have little or no credibility. In one case, a top scientist told me that, to his knowledge, no respected scientist in his field accepts the IPCC position.

What of the one claim that we hear over and over again, that 2,000 or 2,500 of the world's top scientists endorse the IPCC position? I asked the IPCC for their names, to gauge their views. "The 2,500 or so scientists you are referring to are reviewers from countries all over the world," the IPCC Secretariat responded. "The list with their names and contacts will be attached to future IPCC publications, which will hopefully be on-line in the second half of 2007.

An IPCC reviewer does not assess the IPCC's comprehensive findings. He might only review one small part of one study that later becomes one small input to the published IPCC report. Far from endorsing the IPCC reports, some reviewers, offended at what they considered a sham review process, have demanded that the IPCC remove their names from the list of reviewers. One even threatened legal action when the IPCC refused.

HT: Paul McKeever, leader of Freedom Party of Ontario.

I, Lisa, multicultural resident of Mitchieville and London, Ontario, atone for my sins. I failed to produce Friday Manflesh last night and I did not alert the proud citizens of Mitchieville to the danger of petri dish meat.

How To Tell When You Have had Enough Booze

The good folks at Cal Wineries have some charts and a rather extensive article on how to optimize your buzz. There are plenty of tips and hints directing you, the drunk, how to stay buzzed without going too far, pretty much to the point of death.

While I'll hand it to Cal Wineries for their thoughtful insight, I'm afraid it's just not necessary, for I have already developed a rather concise, no-fail system which will help you tell whether it's time to stop drinking, or if it's time to drink some more.

These tests aren't for lightweights, these tests are designed for men and women that can handle their alcohol some, or most of the time.

To participate in these tests, you will need to carry three pictures. The first picture is of Cameron Diaz, the second picture is of Pink, and the third picture is of Rosie O'Donnell.

After a few (let's say 6) drinks, take the pictures out of your wallet and have a good boo at them. Now think to yourself: Out of these three women, who would I bang right now? If you say Diaz but not Pink and Rosie, you're pretty buzzed, but you still have approximately 4 hours of drinking left.

At 10 drinks take the pictures out of your pocket again. Ask yourself the same question again: Out of those three women, who would I bang right now? If you say Diaz and Pink, but not Rosie, you're really loaded, but you still have a few drinks to go before you're completely messy. If you said Diaz and Pink but not Rosie, but your eyes keep looking at Rosie, you need to down two shooters and call a cab.

At 14 drinks, perform the same routine. If this time you said you'd bang all three of those pigs, call someone over and tell them to bring a bucket and a nurse, because you're about to puke and chances are you're about to die. If you still said Diaz and Pink but not Rosie, rinse and repeat, tonight is your night, my friend, tonight is your night.

The scary part about this test is that it works like magic, it's based on truth. The terrible part of the test is that a few of you are reading this and are probably not drunk and are thinking that you would bang Pink without being drunk. That makes you a queer, cuz Pink has a cock. Not only that, but she has a face like a horse, so, in essence, you want to have sex with an ugly horse-faced guy. Whether you are the pitcher or catcher is irrelevant at this point, your faggadocious is starting to worry everyone.

I hope this test helps, I'm sure it couldn't hurt.

Remember, the gang at Mitchieville care about your health and well-being. If you think you have a drinking problem, for God's sake, keep it to yourself, no one in the world likes a sloppy, mouthy, horse-faced humping retard.

Oral Sex Linked To Throat Cancer

A John Hopkins study has revealed that a person is 9 times more likely to develop throat cancer if they have had oral with more than 6 partners:

A virus contracted through oral sex is the cause of some throat cancers, say US scientists.
HPV infection was found to be a much stronger risk factor than tobacco or alcohol use, the Johns Hopkins University study of 300 people found.

I'm sure most of Mitchieville's readership just pooed their pants.

That can't be right, what about people that have had oral sex with say....ah.....200 partners? Does that mean they're 6 thousand times more likely to develop throat cancer? Why can't I stop sweating? Why do I suddenly desire a Fisherman's Friend? Why do I want a Minister to read me Psalm 23?

Here's is another factoid that the sadists at John Hopkins would like you to know:

HPV infection is the cause of the majority of cervical cancers, and 80% of sexually active women can expect to have an HPV infection at some point in their lives.

All of a sudden masturbation seems very sexy.

It's official, you have a better chance at finding a person with a full set of teeth at a Willy Nelson concert than finding a disease-less woman.

Oh well, life sucks. Not for me, but for everyone else. I think the strangest part of this whole thing, is now that you are armed with this knowledge, the next time you're getting oral, you won't be able to concentrate on the deed taking place, you'll only be able to concentrate on that Willy Nelson remark I just made. Let's face it, that was pretty funny...an oldie but a goodie.

Aspartame is Carcinogenic

A second study conducted by the European Ramazzini Foundation (ERF) confirms the carcinogenicity of aspartame:

Aspartame is an artificial sweetener consumed by hundreds of millions of people worldwide. It is used in over 6,000 diet products including soft drinks, chewing gum, candy, desserts, yogurt as well as in pharmaceuticals, in particular, syrups and antibiotics for children.

These data demonstrated for the first time that aspartame is a carcinogenic agent, inducing various types of malignant tumors in rats, even at dose levels currently considered acceptable for humans.

Is anyone else feeling sick right now?

There is just so much to think about nowadays, it's mind-boggling. We try to avoid as many risks as possible, but then you read about shit like this, how could anyone have avoided eating or drinking this crap?

I'm told that the whole aspartame is death thing has been known for some time now, but this is the first I heard of it. It seems nothing is safe any more. That does it, after this rye and ginger I'm going our for a smoke and think about it.

The big cola industry is killing us

The Skinny on Manorexia

Harvard researchers reported their first results studying eating disorders, and came up with some startling results:

In a population of nearly 3,000 adults they found that 25 percent of those with anorexia or bulimia and 40 percent of binge eaters were men.

The authors called the rate "surprisingly high" because earlier studies had estimated that males accounted for about 10 percent of the cases of bulimia and anorexia, which can be fatal. Binge eating is not officially recognized as a psychiatric disorder and is not considered life-threatening, but its prevalence among men surprised some eating disorders specialists.

I suppose that manorexia is a serious disorder and all, but I can't help thinking that it seems like total bullshit, as I've never known a manorexic or even heard of one until I read this highly suspect article today.

If your friend is a manorexic, take him to Burger King and shove a Whopper down his little bitch face. How hard can that be, he's got an eating disorder, just like a girl.

The only time a guy doesn't eat is because he has no money. If a guy is swimming in dough, he eats. If he's broke, he smokes. Real men will never become *manorexics*. Manorexia is reserved for city types, guys that listen to show tunes, have been to The Vagina Monologues, and dig Bette Midler.

Manorexia is the new pink

Is Drug Rape a Myth?

A study by doctors have found that *drug rape* is a myth and the real culprit is much easier to explain:

Women who claim to be victims of 'date-rape' drugs such as Rohypnol have in fact been rendered helpless by binge-drinking, says a study by doctors.

They found no evidence that any woman seeking help from emergency doctors because their drinks were allegedly spiked had actually been given these drugs.

Around one in five tested positive for recreational drugs while two-thirds had been drinking heavily.

That's pretty much every one then.

This is a slippery slope we're on here. First and foremost, I don't condone any type of violence against women. Having said that, I think that 99% of drug rapes are complete bullshit. Let me explain what I think goes on in these cases.

Little Suzi decides to go to a bar. Before the bar, little Suzi and her most excellent friends do a little pre-bar partying. They smoke a little pot, do a few shooters, and perhaps kiss each other (that's what I think any way) They get to the bar a little Suzi drinks more and more, to the point where she's on the dance floor grinding her business and later making out with any buck-toothed guy that can put up with her stupid nonsense.

After the bar, if she makes it that long, little Suzi, who, by this time has been abandoned by the rest of her friends, decides to continue making out with the guy who she has been on a tongue to tongue basis with for the last three hours. One thing leads to another and the two malcontents cement their dysfunctional new relationship by bumping uglies in the parking lot.

When all is said and done, little Suzi wakes up the next day with a throbbing headache, a swollen vagina, and crusty panties. "My God, I don't remember a thing. I do know though that my vagina could shoot a beach ball out of it. I'm so embarrassed, it must have been rape".

At this point, there are a few of you who are extremely mad at The Mayor. Sorry, you need to tough it up, cuz what I'm saying is gospel, and you know it, sister:

Dr Hughes said some women might have felt ashamed at ending up in casualty.

That's what I said.

Listen, if you can't remember what you did the night before, it's because you drank too much, you smoked too much, or you drank and smoked too much. There is even the odd time when your body just craps out on you. That's what happens. If you want to avoid times like these, I suggest not drinking and smoking so much, slow down, and always keep yourself in a safe and controlled situation. Oh, and stop acting like a slut.

And get a job

Moderate Drinking May Improve Memory

Researchers from the University of Ohio have found that a few drinks a day improves the memory of lab rats:

"There is some evidence suggesting that mild to moderate alcohol consumption can protect against diseases like Alzheimer's in humans," said During. "But it's not apparent how this happens."

"We saw a noticeable change on the surface of certain neurons in rats that were given alcohol," During said. "This change may have something to do with the positive effects of alcohol on memory."

Researchers also noticed that the drunken rats became belligerent and violent for no apparent reason, and insisted on driving small rat cars across crowded sidewalks.

Researchers also found that in rat language, drunken rats tended to say things like, "And then I said, 'Julie, I aint your dancing monkey. I mean, I gave you the best three months of my life and how do you repay me? By having a litter of baby rats with Chester. You are a slut, Julie, I wanna go bust my fist through ahhh...ahhhh...ahhhh...and how 'bout those Dolphins? I bet $50 on those losers and look what happens. I got so angry I nearly put my rat fist through the...ahhhh....ahhhh.... hey, bartender! What's a rat gotta do to get a drink in this hole?'"

Thanks be to Use My Computer for the story, and Medical News Today for the actual story. I don't know what I would do without you guys.