Angelina Jolie Is Repetitive

In an interview with Look Magazine, Angelina Jolie admits that she thinks her biological child, Shiloh, is the outcast of her family:

"She looks like Brad. It's funny because she's almost going to be the outcast in the family because she's blond and blue-eyed."

Jolie also admitted she would have been happy not to have a biological child.

The crazy bitch then goes on to say:

"I felt so much more for Madd, Zahara and Pax because they were survivors.

"Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born.

"But I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."

It's too bad for Angelina that she can't just bury that little blue eyed devil in the backyard and solve all her terrible problems.

This isn't the first time Angelina has crapped all over her blond hair, blue eyed problem:

"Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her...I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this...Yes, a blob! But now she's starting to have a personality...I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."

Wait a second, where have I seen those words before? Oh, right, on a Mitchieville post last January. Don't you remember? Sure you do, it's right here.

I've finally figured out what the hell is going on: Angelina Jolie is actually a random word generator cyborg. I knew she wasn't real, I just had a feeling about it. That changes a lot of things, like, I will never masturbate to her image again. Starting tomorrow.

Angelina Jolie Ate No Fat

If you're wondering what happened to Angelina Jolie, wonder no more, she's on a hunger strike. Unfortunately for her, she's striking against food, and that's pretty much an unwinnable battle. If Angelina doesn't gain some weight quickly, some Ethiopian is going to adopt her. Just think, for only pennies a day you can have your very own female version of Skelator.

Angelina Jolie Freaks Out

Jennifer Aniston sent Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt some books, games and a congratulatory card to celebrate the adoption of their new child. Angelina reacted the way any normal person would react by throwing all of it in the trash can:

Angie didn't approve of it at all," a source told the mag.

Apparently, Brad wasn’t too happy with his girlfriend’s hostile reaction, especially since Jolie’s ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton recently revealed that he still chats with the brunette beauty on a regular basis.

I can't figure out the reason why Angelina would react like this, it's not as if she could be jealous of Jennifer. That's insane to even think it. Angelina Jolie being jealous of Jennifer Aniston is like Angelina Jolie being jealous of Jennifer Aniston. Excuse me, I couldn't think of a more ridiculous analogy.

Angelina Jolie Calls Her New Born Baby a *Blob*

Angelina Jolie had some pretty bizarre comments about her new born baby, Shiloh:

"I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they're survivors, they came through so much," Jolie says in the new issue of U.K. Elle.

"Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her...I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this...Yes, a blob! But now she's starting to have a personality...I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."

I'm with Angelina on this one, privileged kids should be ignored, scorned and ridiculed. There should never be any love given to a child born of privilege, only resentment and hate. Boo rich kids, hooray poor kids.

Not only was Shiloh born a privileged baby, the kid was also born with all that disgusting and hideous white skin. Angelina would be wise to darken that child's skin up, lest folk start saying her baby was born of privilege. And we can't have that, can we?

Best thing Angelina can do now is to put that white, filthy rich white child up for adoption, and immediately go to some foreign land and get a fresh, new, non-white baby that's chock full 'o personality.

Baby momma has a blob for a baby.

Angelina Jolie Wants More Children

Angelina Jolie is so happy right now that she says she wants more children:

"I'd like to add many more children and many more obstacles and many more things to my life."

Angelina is going to need more kids soon, as that child who has the death grip on that white kid looks to be seconds away from freaking out and murdering the whole tribe.

Take a look at the face on that rebel, I've seen happier mugs on the priests at an exorcism. I'm telling you right now that Brad isn't about to read to those kids, he's getting closer to that book on the ground because he knows that any minute he's going to have to use it as a weapon to beat that nasty looking devil into a bloody pulp when it tries to suck the blood from the blonde kids head. The first thing Angelina and Brad should teach that white kid to say is, "I'm sorry master, your wish is my command, please don't kill me". Angelina is so busy trying to build a United Nations from the ground up that she's missing the impending genocide that psycho boy is about to inflict on her family. And when that happens I'm going to be right there saying, "I told you so, yup, I suuuuure did".

For fuck sakes, Angelina, adopt a dog

Angelina Jolie is an Indian Giver

Not long after donating 1.5 million to a Cambodian non-profit group, Angelina Jolie has decided to withdraw the aid:

The money for Jolie's project dubbed the "Maddox Jolie Project" in honor of the son she adopted from Cambodia is to create programs for villagers dwelling in the forest, so they can rely less on logging to make a living.

"I am accusing her of violating the agreement under which she agreed to provide funds to CVD," Mounh Sarath said. "The more than $1 million she has promised has never arrived."

He said Jolie cut off funding and ended cooperation with his group in December last year without explanation. He and his staff have also been barred from using the project's facilities, which Jolie's lawyers have claimed is her private property, he said.

Baby snatchers are notoriously bad at paying off their debts, that's a fact.

Take a look at Madonna's case, for instance. She recently stole a black baby from Africa (for spare parts) and smuggled it to England. Madonna also promised tens of millions of dollars for charity work throughout the country. There is no doubt in my mind that within a few years, Madonna will have Malawi carpet-bombed simply to relieve her from having to pay back a few shekels of debt.

Angelina is no different. Have a look at this quote from one of her dozens of lawyers:

Jolie's lawyer, Sam Borana, confirmed that the actress has stopped providing funds to CVD, and said the project will become an independent non-governmental organization.

He said the controversy was the result of a misunderstanding on the part of Mounh Sarath.

"This is not about violation of the agreement. Ms Angelina Jolie just exercised her right to decide to stop giving the money," he said.

I'm not sure how Angelina's lawyer finds that this is some sort of *misunderstanding*, this seems exactly like what Mounh Sarath had to say. Mounh said, "I am accusing her of violating the agreement under which she agreed to provide funds to CVD," Mounh Sarath said. "The more than $1 million she has promised has never arrived.

And isn't that EXACTLY what Angelina fucking Jolie did? Yes, Mr. Mayor, that's EXACTLY what Angelina fucking Jolie did.

No soup for you!

Pic by Use My Computer

Angelina Jolie Buys Bansky

Angelina Jolie, best known for adopting babies from *scratch and dent baby sales* (there are always terrific bargains there), has now adopted some Bansky paintings to the tune of $400,000. Here are some of the gems Angelina purchased:

A $75,000 purchase - a white bust with a bleeding bullet hole in the forehead - was a particular favorite of Jolie's. "She went nuts for that one," an onlooker told the mag. "She told [her baby daddy], 'I must have that one.'"

For another cool $75,000, she picked up a portrait of a man hit in the head with a custard pie.

Classics, every last one of them. However, the biggest purchase has some not-so-subtle underpinnings:

A $226,000 painting - titled "Picnic" - depicts a white family of four merrily lunching under an umbrella on a red checked blanket while 15 starving Africans - including several children with distended bellies - look on.

Yes, I get it now, Angelina, white people are shit.

Finally I understand the two things in life that will get me a seat at any Angelina Jolie dinner party: White people are savage assholes that love to see brown people suffer, and, one day we will all be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

Where was Brad *yes dear, yes dear, three fucking bags full dear* Pitt when all this was going down, you ask? Most likely cowering in the corner of the art gallery repairing his bleeding back from the intense pussy whipping his insane bitch of a girlfriend gave him.

Angelina Jolie, the world's most beautiful demented head

A Use My Computer pic

Angelina Jolie is a Tigress!

These days in entertainment it seems that if your name starts with an "A" and ends
with a "Jolie" then the press will report on anything and everything you do. I am surprised we don't hear about every time Angelina takes a pee. I can see the tabloids now, "Angelina Jolie urinated 6 times today, could she have a possible bladder infection or did she just drink too much, stay tuned for further pee breaks."

Angelina Jolie is now going to be the voice of a tigress in a new Kung Fu, martial arts movie.

Angelina Jolie voiced a femme fatale fish in 2004's "Shark Tale." Now, she'll portray a martial-arts master in the computer-animated comedy "Kung Fu Panda."

So she is going to be this high-kicking tigress;
I wonder if the Kung Fu tigress will have enormous lips that only match the script after a 3 second delay.
I wonder if she will slink around purring and seek out the most beautiful tiger in the forest to seduce away from his mate and have perfect babies with.
I wonder if she will attempt to adopt all the homeless animals in the jungle by the end of the movie.
But alas, these questions can only be answered once the movie comes out, I guess we shall wait and see...

Jolie, You Tiger You!

Reported by Secret Agent Nikita

Angelina Jolie Squirts out a Baby

The strange part is, I never even heard she was pregnant:

"The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. No further information is being given," publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a statement.

Mother and baby are doing fine, while Pitt is still recovering from the whip marks he's gotten over the last year or so.

I suppose of all the names to choose, Shiloh Nouvel isn't the worst. It's a Hebrew name, Shiloh meaning "From a mother who is mentally unstable", and Nouvel, meaning, "From a father who's completely pussy whipped".

I'd pay $600 to see her stretch marks

Angelina Jolie-The Most Beautiful Person in the World

People's top 100 Most Beautiful People have been named, and featured at the top is no other than Angelina Jolie. That's pretty safe.

Jessica Alba is #2, some dick named Isaiah Washington is #3, and get this, uber-slut, Eva Longoria is #4. I guess this clinches it: Every top 100 or top 10 beautiful list, other than The Mayor's, is complete bullshit.

Picking Angelina is fine, it's hard to dispute what a complete beauty she is. But Eva Longoria at #4? That wrinkled old hag has a face like a baboons ass for Christ's sake. Everyone saw that picture I posted a few months back, she has a freakin' dick for crying out loud.

Another sick cock, Terrance Howard, who, I will admit, I have never heard of before in my life, is describes thusly:

Regular manicures plus spa weekends "with a number of massages. That's when I allow myself to be high-maintenance."

Real men don't get manicures and massages, real men get rub and tugs. Any guy that gets a manicure isn't beautiful, he's fabulous. That's a big difference, and you know exactly what I'm saying.

Don't pay any attention to People's magazine, the only folks left on this earth that read that shitty rag are old, blue headed hags who go to shopping malls at 9:30 every morning and complain that their bagel's aren't fresh.

I'm telling you right now, next week I'm going to unleash a list that will make you squirt buckets.

Angelina Jolie Gets Ready to Pop

In Africa, none-the-less. And how are Angelina and Brad going to keep the crowds of reporters away?

WINDHOEK (Reuters) - Pregnant Hollywood siren Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Brad Pitt have taken refuge in a remote Namibian game lodge where wild lions will help protect them from the media, a Namibian newspaper said on Monday.

Does anyone else get the impression that Angelina Jolie is completely normal? Ya, me neither.

Between Angelina giving birth at a game lodge, and Katie Holmes giving birth the *Scientology way*, I'm just waiting for the next celebrity to take it to the next level and give birth dangling from a bridge overpass.

As Tom Cruise said to me the other day, "What is it with these people, they're crrrraaaaaazy".

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lions eat the media tonight...

Is Angelina Jolie going to be the next Bond girl?

I suppose if Kirsty Ally isn't available, you might as well go with Angelina.

According to The Sun (the newspaper, not the giant fiery ball in the sky that is comprised mostly of hydrogen and helium)it's a good possibility.

STUNNING Angelina Jolie is poised to star in the new James Bond movie — as a Pussy Galore-style temptress.

Producers reckon the Hollywood beauty, 30, is “perfect” for the role of Vesper Lynd, a Russian double agent who beds new 007 Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.

I'm not familiar whatsoever with Bond movies, but associating Angelina Jolie and the words "Pussy Galore" is good enough to make me want to see Casino Royale if she's in it.

Keep in mind that it is just a rumour at this point, but I can hardly think of a sexier rumour to start spreading. I mean, other than spreading the rumour that Angelina Jolie met me last week, has turned into a sex fiend, dumped Brad Pitt, and now wants to come live with me in my palatial estate. That's one damn fine spreadable rumour.

Hehe, I said "spreadable".

Angelina Jolie sputters out sentence fragments

I told her, I said, "Angelina, babes, you were not put on this earth to talk, you were put on this earth for the viewing pleasure of all men, and 72% of women". That's what I said, I did, go ask her if you don't believe me. I also told her to fix her hair, she's looking a little too ragamuffin for me lately.

Anyway, she's in the news:

Angelina Jolie has been given Cambodian citizenship by its king, Nordom Sihamoni. Jolie is a regular visitor to Cambodia and adopted her son, Maddox, who was an orphan there. Jolie intends to donate a generous sum to build a wildlife sanctuary there. "I would be honored, I think. I would certainly be thrilled," Angelina told reporters when the idea of citizenship was approached last year.

I would be honoured, I think? Could she really have said that?

I think it's time that I install a radio controlled voice box in Angelina's throat, because quite frankly, she's not cutting it when she opens her yap.

A reporter could ask her a question and I could over-ride her voice and say "Yes, I believe the most important thing right now, in order to achieve world peace, is to disarm Iran". All she would have to do is move those sexy lips of hers, that's it. Who cares that she would look like a Japanese movie with English voice-overs, at least she would have a semblance of intelligence. Hey, that kinda rhymed, stop me, I'm rapping again.

Star Magazine

Jennifer Aniston is going to make it

From The Daily Mail online , Jennifer Aniston speaks.

Jennifer Aniston has confessed she still loves Brad Pitt and was 'shocked' and 'hurt' to see pictures of him with new love Angelina Jolie.
"Am I lonely? Yes," she told Vanity Fair magazine. "Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely.

Do I talk to myself to much? Yes. Do I find it healthy to refer to myself in the third person? Of course not. Do I find that I am asking myself too many questions? Certainly. Would I feel better if I bludgeoned Jen and Brad, and watched them squirm in pain as they died a horrible and slow death? I'd be a fool if I didn't. Do I wake up in the middle of the night with tummy pains? Yes, I don't digest my food properly.

"There's a sensitivity chip that's missing (from Pitt)," she said. "But it's not my life. He makes his choices. He can do - whatever. We're (soon to be) divorced and you can see why."

My favourite part of that last sentence is how Jennifer threw in the word "whatever". I can like so totally see her say that.

Aniston said the rumours that the couple had split because she did not want children had made her fume.

"I've never in my life said I didn't want to have children," she raged. "I did, and I do, and I will!"

Then go ahead. May I suggest adopting a foreign baby, they seem to be all the rage in Hollyweird. In particular, I would suggest she gets a rain-forest baby, one with a noticeable limp, they're the best.

Despite her pain, Aniston cannot switch off her feelings.

"I love Brad," she told the September edition of the magazine. "I will love him for the rest of my life. I really do hope that someday we can be friends again."

Notice how she had to get the word "Friends" in there? What a shameless self-promoter.

I've been awash in a sea of hurt since Brad dumped Jen. I won't lie to you, I cry myself to sleep every night. All is not lost though, with any luck, maybe Jennifer can put together her broken life and move on. It might just help that she's worth $35 million dollars. Yes, that might ease the pain just a tiny bit.

Angelina Jolie is all heart

News out of Hollyweird today reports that Angelina Jolie has a adopted a 67 year old Samurai man to become part of her ever growing family.

Inside sources report that Angelina also wants to adopt a Northern Nigerian Yoruba cocoa farmer, a Peruvian Machu Picchu skull hunter, and a Canadian Tutchonekutchin native Indian.

"I want my family to resemble a giant rainbow of diversity" Ms. Jolie said last night from her $92.8 million dollar California home".

"If I can adopt foreign people, then maybe baby seals won't die, and the world will be a better place"

Asked if Angelina Jolie was on some form of medication, Angelina refused comment, and then vomitted blood.

Finally Angelina Jolie comes clean

This isn't news to me of course, but it might be news to you.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie says she "thinks the world" of Brad Pitt - but never slept with him.

Do you really need any more proof that Brad Pitt is of the homosexual persuasion? Of course he is. Any man that hangs around a woman as beautiful as Angelina and doesn't make nasty with her sweet package is either one of those guys that's just *mad* about show tunes, or, actually, there is no or.

Of course she didn't sleep with Brad frickin' Pitt. After Angelina and I went out a few times, it makes it impossible for any guy to *have* Angelina, for she's far too worn out. If I got Air Miles for all the times I rode on *Air Angelina*, I'd never have to buy a plane ticket again. Puhleeeease.

"To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive," she says. "I could not, could not look at myself in the morning if I did that."

Let's face it, the broads got class. You wouldn't know it from the videos we made together, but overall, she's one classy dame.

Anyway, the rest of the article talks about Angelina doing this and that, blah blah, who cares. The point is, I had her, and Brad had his hand. The Mayor 1, Brad Pitt 0.

The original article can be found here . Quite honestly though, it's not even worth your precious time reading it, it's just typical crap.

Angelina Jolie is a Crook

My good friend and part time love slave, Angelina Jolie, and I were hanging out last night watching movies and giving each other facials, when it occured to me, that I'm pretty sure she stole my wallet. I'm not the type of guy to go around accusing anyone of stealing shit, especially the sexiest woman in Hollywood , but I really think that bitch took my wallet. I don't care about the money so much, but it had my drivers license, my credit cards and all my I.D in it. I'm fucking pissed. Here's the conversation we had that led me to believe she's nothing but a thief.

Me: Say Angelina, did you see my wallet?

Angelina: Ahhhhhh, what's it look like?

Me: What's it look like? It's my fucking wallet, it looks like a guys wallet, leather, you know, a wallet.

Angelina: Did you look on the table behind the Lava lamp?

Me: That's the first place I looked. I could have sworn I saw you with it not less than an hour ago.

Angelina: That wasn't me.

Me: Right, it must have been the other "sexiest woman in Hollywood" that was here.

Anglina: You mean Kim Bassinger?

Me: Give me a break, I wouldn't let that hoe clean my toilet. Seriously, you haven't seen it?

Angelina: No, but I'm just curious, if I did have it and I didn't tell you, and later you found out I had it, would you be angry?

Me: Hell no doll face, I'd buy you roses. Of course I'd be angry!

Angelina: Then no, I haven't seen it.

Me: Fine, let's go do the dirty, but this isn't over, oh no, this isn't over by a longshot.

Angelina Jolie tried to sex me up

THE phone sex session with Angelina Jolie that ended Brad Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston was just the latest in an intense relationship that had been raging for nearly a year.

"They'd speak on the phone all the time,always speaking in hushed tones. There was no hiding their affection for each other.
"She also has the balls to call if she likes someone. She has this don't-give-a-damn' attitude which is infectious. It's not hard to fall for her.
It was just such a call at Brad and Jen's Beverly Hills home that ended their marriage.
Our source revealed: "Jennifer listened in on the conversation via another house extension. I don't know if she accidentally picked up the phone or deliberately did that. Either way, she went ballistic.
"It has never been easy being married to the man who is held up as the sexiest, most desirable man in the world.

(outside of Mitchieville)

Angelina and I had phone sex just the other day. I have to admit, she nearly turned me on. Here's a few lines from our conversation:

Me: Hey baby, so what's going on?.

Angelina: Just thinking about you, only you, no-one but you.

Me: Not Brad?

Angelina: Brad who?

Me: hehe, that's right baby, who indeed.

Angelina; So, what are you wearing?

Me: A potato sack and some moccasin's.

Angelina: That's downright fucking sexy, I want some of that.

Me: Settle down baby, throw some cold water on your face, anyways,what are you wearing?

Angelina: A pair of trackpants and a sweat top.

Me: Oh Christ, maybe I'll call you back after you clean yourself up a bit.

Me: Hey listen, did you know that Pitt was in a movie called "Snatch"

Angelina: Ya

Me: Snatch is a funny word.

Angelina: Have I mentioned how much I want you?

Me: ya ya, boring story Rusty, listen I gotta go, I have to go have some Botox injected into my skull.