Jennifer Aniston Doesn't Split Hairs

This weeks print edition of the Star (courtesy of Taylor Durden) says, when it comes to having a tidy kitty, Jennifer Aniston is a perfectionist:

"She's neurotic about bikini waxes," reveals Dawn Daluise of Dawn DaLuise Skin Refinery in LA, who used to visit the "Friends" set every other week to work on the actress. "She'd even call when there was no hair to wax, and she'd insist on having it done - literally making me wax off peach fuzz. She's phobic about extraneous, stray hairs - especially around her bikini line. She'll even tweeze them."

It reminds me of the saying about putting lipstick on a pig. However, instead of actually applying lipstick to said pig, in this case you would be removing lipstick from said pig. So, in reality, the saying doesn't really have anything to do with Jennifer Aniston and her shaved pie. But the thought of a pig wearing lipstick always makes me laugh, and when it comes down to it, when I'm happy, everybody is happy.

Use My Computer supplied the pic

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Split

And an angel loses their wings:

It's not common knowledge, but we're not together anymore, Vaughn told the insider September 13, adding that they solidified the breakup in a long phone conversation. We've split up.

Confirms an Aniston pal: They're 100 percent done.

Apparently it took Vince 3 minutes to break up with Jen, but it took him seven days to break up with her chin. That might not seem funny to you, but in my mind it makes perfect sense.

The only thing that surprises me is that Vince didn't try to run months ago. I can't say that I didn't see this coming, it was as obvious to me as the plank attached to Jennifer Aniston's face. Look at the chin on that cyborg, it's massive. It's like a diving board. It must be impossible to go out with a woman who has a 2x4 for a chin, that must embarrassing for Vince. Jennifer Aniston is frightening looking, she could scare an apple off a tree. Why would Vince want to be tied down to a woman who has a face like a discarded pizza box when he could have a whole host of beautiful Hollyweird women that don't look like they were made in a dirty Chinese factory?

Jennifer Aniston had it coming, the single life is her fate. Eventually everyone leaves Jennifer Aniston. I heard the SPCA won't give her any more dogs because they keep running away. I also heard when they eventually find the dogs they're usually hanging from a tree with a rope around their neck that says, *never again*.

Jennifer will find love again, and like always, it will be fleeting. Jennifer has become no more than a temporary holding station for men's penis'. Jennifer has quickly humped her way down the food chain, going from great to good to no doubt, piss poor, when she starts dating Rob Schneider next month. Anyway, see ya on the lesbian talk show circuit tomorrow, Jennifer.

Friends always

Use My Computer graciously supplied the pic

*The Break Up* is a Terrible Movie

At least so says everyone who has a neck:

Misleadingly marketed as a boisterous comedy, "The Break-Up" may be the first "last-date movie" -- the one you see with someone that you're about to dump. Sporadic rays of sunshine emanate from the broad and gifted supporting cast, but the core story is almost relentlessly unpleasant, like sitting through a dinner party where the host couple does nothing but bicker. Pic's built-in curiosity about the onscreen Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston pairing should quickly dissipate faster than one of Vaughn's rat-a-tat riffs as word of mouth spreads.

It seems as if, on the scale of bad reviews, "The Break Up" is getting slightly better reviews than "Vern Has Sex With a Young Male Chinese Hooker", but only slightly better.

However, I can't blame Vern for those lousy reviews, he wasn't even in the movie, he was being played by a robot Vern. A pirate robot Vern. A Fwench robot pirate Vern.

Jennifer Aniston knows how to pick 'em

Jennifer Aniston bares it all

Jennifer Aniston's lawyers are warning that publications that print recent pictures taken of Jennifer with her top off while sunbathing, will face a lawsuit.

I wish I could post them on these pages, but this is a family-oriented business around here. We just don't do nudies of that variety.

However, if you want to see these pics, just go here(she's a solid 6/10 in the rack department)(8 if I'm loaded).

Jennifer Aniston is pathetic

In a rare show of honesty, Jennifer Aniston reveals how many people she thinks likes her.

Naw, I'm kidding, no one likes her, and here's a few reasons why:

" the former "Friends" star asks: "Why did it take so long to respond to the crisis in New Orleans? Everything is imploding. It all seems to lead back to our dear president."

Everything is imploding? The only thing that is imploding is Jennifers gigantic mellon-like head.

Nothing like being a few months late to a party. Jennifer, my dear, New Orleans is sooooo summer of 2006.

Jennifer needs to keep up on the news a bit more, I'm surprised she wasn't upset about American troops in Vietnam.

Of the obstruction-of-justice and perjury charges lodged against former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, she quips: "How about that indictment?"

How about you worry about your own pathetic life and not worry about something that you have absolutely no idea about. Jennifer should be worried more about the reasons why every single man she has ever dated has tossed her out faster than Michael Moore throws out a diet cola.

Some Hollyweird stars are beautiful, the odd one is smart, some are really great actors, then there's Jennifer *shoot me dead before I get dumped again* Aniston.

Jennifer is doomed to become a Trivial Pursuit question one day. The question will be, "What actress got dumped..." and before the whole question is read, everyone will say "Jennifer Aniston".

Article about nothing is here.

Jennifer Aniston says something

It's true, Jennifer spoke and the words just flew out of her mouth.

In her first TV interview since her marital breakup with Brad Pitt in January, Jennifer Aniston opened up to Oprah Winfrey on Monday.

Asked, "What are you most looking forward to as you move forward in your life?" Aniston answered: "I love the unknown. I love the discovery of what will be happening and just kind of sitting back and not knowing."

I'm the same way, I love not knowing anything. More than anything in life I love not knowing a single thing that's going to happen. I like to be kept in the dark at all times, I absolutely detest knowing something.

If I had a choice whether to know something or having something suddenly fly up into my face and cause me chaos, I'll take the chaos every time.

But the interview really wasn't about Jennifer, it was about Oprah. Eventually, in life, everything will be about Oprah. Oprah this and Oprah that, I'm surprised she isn't the President of the world yet, she deserves it, cuz she's Oprah.

Winfrey also addressed the widely reported incident of her being turned away from the Hermes boutique in Paris this summer.

Winfrey accepted an on-air apology from the U.S. president of the French luxury-goods chain, Robert Chavez, who said he was sorry that the store clerk in Paris didn't recognize Oprah. She, in turn, told Chavez: "I wasn't trying to play that celebrity card."

Of course she wasn't trying to play the celebrity card, that's not like her, she's very reserved and quiet.

I do feel sorry for Oprah though, I can see why she was upset. I remember a time not too long ago when I was *snubbed* by a Tim Hortons girl.

I went to Timmy's and ordered a steeped tea, an English breakfast tea if I'm not mistaken. I watched the girl pour the hot water into the cup, and I was shocked, appalled really, when I saw her stir the boiling water with a metal spoon and not a plastic one.

I screamed bloody murder and caused quite a scene. The girl immediately apologized to me, but I demanded to see a manager. The manager came out and apologized to me and said that the tea was "on the house". That was hardly satisfactory to me, so I went home and made a series of phone calls to the Tim Hortons head office, sent out a few dozen emails and phoned the local papers.

The President of Tim Hortons called me back and offered me an apology, but that would hardly suffice, for I had been wronged. So I got on the phone and called Paul Martin, the Prime Minister of Canada, and told him what happened.

Only when Paul Martin addressed the nation and told every single Canadian what happened to me was I even close to being satisfied. I still can't sleep at night, and now I have a violent temper and find myself often beating runaways and homeless people for no good reason.

But just because I'm a *celebrity* doesn't mean I was playing the celebrity card. You have to trust me on that one.

Article about Oprah...errrr, I mean Jennifer Aniston, can be found here.

Jennifer Aniston is going to make it

From The Daily Mail online , Jennifer Aniston speaks.

Jennifer Aniston has confessed she still loves Brad Pitt and was 'shocked' and 'hurt' to see pictures of him with new love Angelina Jolie.
"Am I lonely? Yes," she told Vanity Fair magazine. "Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely.

Do I talk to myself to much? Yes. Do I find it healthy to refer to myself in the third person? Of course not. Do I find that I am asking myself too many questions? Certainly. Would I feel better if I bludgeoned Jen and Brad, and watched them squirm in pain as they died a horrible and slow death? I'd be a fool if I didn't. Do I wake up in the middle of the night with tummy pains? Yes, I don't digest my food properly.

"There's a sensitivity chip that's missing (from Pitt)," she said. "But it's not my life. He makes his choices. He can do - whatever. We're (soon to be) divorced and you can see why."

My favourite part of that last sentence is how Jennifer threw in the word "whatever". I can like so totally see her say that.

Aniston said the rumours that the couple had split because she did not want children had made her fume.

"I've never in my life said I didn't want to have children," she raged. "I did, and I do, and I will!"

Then go ahead. May I suggest adopting a foreign baby, they seem to be all the rage in Hollyweird. In particular, I would suggest she gets a rain-forest baby, one with a noticeable limp, they're the best.

Despite her pain, Aniston cannot switch off her feelings.

"I love Brad," she told the September edition of the magazine. "I will love him for the rest of my life. I really do hope that someday we can be friends again."

Notice how she had to get the word "Friends" in there? What a shameless self-promoter.

I've been awash in a sea of hurt since Brad dumped Jen. I won't lie to you, I cry myself to sleep every night. All is not lost though, with any luck, maybe Jennifer can put together her broken life and move on. It might just help that she's worth $35 million dollars. Yes, that might ease the pain just a tiny bit.