What The Hell Disease Am I Most Likely To Contract And Die From?

Whenever I see Amy Winehouse's face, the first thing that comes into my mind, other than suicide, is the phrase, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"

I've never really had a good look at the severity that is Amy Winehouse's face until this morning. Suffice to say, this hasn't been a good morning.

I understand that it is going to be damn near impossible to guess the one disease that Amy Winehouse is going to die from, considering her body is like a Haitian Petri dish, but we're going to give it the old college try and give it a go anyway.

If I was to guess, I would say genital ulcer disease with a side of full blown syphilis. Shit, those are two diseases, I can't even follow my own rules.

What do you think? What The Hell Disease Am I Most Likely To Contract And Die With?

Amy Winehouse's Secret To Facial Beauty

Since there isn't a product in the world that has been able to restore Amy Winehouse's face back to any semblance of normalcy, she has decided to opt for an alternative medicine that seems right down her alley:

Amy, 24, above, is prepared to be a testing monkey for a radical new ointment.

It will require her to perform the stomach-churning task of adding her own urine to the solution before massaging it into her face.

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I am willing to help Amy out.

Being the humanitarian that I am, being someone who is a people's person, I am willing, at no charge, to pee on Amy Winehouse's face.

I'll even go as far as massaging my urine into her face with a baseball bat. If it takes my urine and a baseball bat to rid Amy Winehouse of that disgusting face she lunks around all day, then by golly, put me in coach, I'm ready to play.

I am The Mayor of the People, for the People

Amy Winehouse--Now At Your Fingertips

Amy Winehouse is launching her own brand of hair and make-up products, so adoring fans can be just like her:

“She wants to bring out a range of cosmetics and fashion products. There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner, perfume.

“All the things that are distinctive of her look.”

I can see it now, "Rehabilitate your Hair, with Amy Winehouse Hair Products".

I find it hard to believe that any human, with an IQ above that of, well, Amy Winehouse, would want to actually look like Amy Winehouse. If a woman really wants to look like Amy, there's a more cost-efficient way to achieve that end: Drink until you vomit all over your clothes, and then shove a busted whiskey bottle into your face. Ta da, you look like Amy Winehouse.

Now, go take all of your God given talent and waste it on crack, meth, and copious amounts of whiskey. Congratulations, you are now as much of a loser as Amy Winehouse. Oh, and go get herpes.

Want to look like Pete Doherty? Rinse and Repeat

Maxim Releases Its Unsexy List

Maxim unleashed it's Top 5 Unsexiest Women, and topping the list was none other than Sarah Jessica Parker. Here is most of the article, so you don't need to follow the link:

''How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with 'sex' in the title?'' the magazine said. In the runner-up position is the beehived singer Amy Winehouse, because of her ''openly haemorrhaging translucent skin, rat's nest mane and lashes that look more like surgically attached bats.''

On the small screen, Grey's Anatomy star Sandra Oh came third and Madonna, ''with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull'', was fourth,
Britney Spears, took last place in the Unsexy 5.

''Less than five years ago, Britney had a python wrapped around her well-toned torso onstage at the VMAs.

"Since then, she's lost the ability to perform, but gained two kids, two useless ex-husbands, and about 23 pounds of ... pudge.''

When did Maxim become unfunny? I could have sworn Maxim use to be funny. When did they start hiring lame writers with zero sense of funny? I'm not sure who the little bitch is that wrote that article, but he deserves to be unemployed.

Not funny.

Courtney Love Thinks Amy Winehouse Has A Drug Problem

In an interview with the Rolling Stone, Courtney Love said that Amy Winehouse is the biggest druggie she has ever seen in her life:

“I’ve been with lots of people when they’ve taken coke, including stars like Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss, but I’ve never seen anyone take as much coke as Amy. Even I wasn’t that bad.”

When you're not as bad as Courtney Love, that's saying a bundle. When you hear those words, it's time for some serious self-reflection. That's like Hitler telling you that you can't join the SS because you're too much of an anti-Semite.

That's like a producer telling you that you can't join the cast of his Broadway musical because you're far too gay.

That's like Courtney Love telling you that you're a bigger druggie than she is. Oh right, that's what this article is all about. You already knew that, didn't you? Good job, check and mate.

For more of the pot calling the kettle black...