Squirrel Fights 2008--Round Four

The Rumble in the Concrete Jungle is upon us. Pugsly the pugilist has his hands full against Igor the Russian Drunk (IRD). Good evening folks, I'm The Mayor of Mitchieville and I am pleased and proud to bring you another exciting night of Squirrel Fights.

The fighters are ready and are in the squared circle. Pugsly looks like he could possibly be in the best shape of his life, his tiny body is rippling with tiny squirrel muscles. IRD looks, well, drunk. He really is a terrible alcoholic, he should seek professional help starting with some form of a 12 step program.

Let's go to the ring where Michelle Buffet is ready: ""Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages--let's get ready to watch some blood shed!!"

I've pretty much had it with Michelle Buffet.

Fenris has put both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we're nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like he has some sort of horrific disease, and here we go.

Pugsly wastes no time and dances, kind of a funky chicken dance, over to IRD, takes out a white glove and slaps that commie perrrrick across his drunken face. The gauntlet has been thrown down. Pugsly continues the onslaught with a series of taunts and insults. I'm not sure IRD understands Pugsly's dialect, as he is not responding. Pugly takes it up a step and drives his squirrel fist right into IRD's face. Wow, that is going to ruin his weekend.

IRD isn't putting up much of a fight, Pugsly is kicking the stuffing out of him. The ref is watching closely, but we know from the previous three deaths that he will not stop the fight no matter what. It makes me wonder why we have a ref, especially considering we have no rules. I'll have to ponder that.

Pugsly gives IRD a cocoa bonk and a kick to the groin, followed by a head butt and three straight lefts and a powerful uppercut. Stick a fork in IRD, he's done. Pugsly jumps on top of IRD and is squeezing the life out of him, my my, this is sick and sad, but mostly sick. IRD's eyes are going back into his head, he's being strangled out.

OMG, IRD puked, but misses Pugly's face. Oh the humanity, IRD's puke has spurted into the audience, it looks as though it has covered a spectator. Heavens to Betsy, dmorris is the one that got covered. It kind of serves dmorris right though, he was disrespecting Squirrel Fights pretty heavily earlier today. That's what we call *Karma*, dmorris, enjoy your blindness, cynic.

IRD has nothing left, other than the dry heaves. Pugsly is in complete control. Pugsly removes something from his pocket, it looks like a screwdriver. It is! He sticks the screwdriver into IRD's frontal lobe, and baby, this match is over!

The crowd is going wild, the po po will have to hose these rabid arseholes down.

By far, this was the greatest, if you judge greatest by sheer gratuitous violence, match we have had to date. I'm glad to be a part of it, as I'm sure you are.

To recap: Pugsly is the winner, IRD is dead, and dmorris will never see again.

What a great night!

Tune in next Wednesday night for a little pre-fight warm-up and commentary. I'm The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.