What In Tarnation Am I?

I think the creature feature in the picture is wearing a bra, but I still think there is value in posting she/he/it for the What in Tarnation Am I? segment. We can't be certain of anything at this point, other than she/he/it has a beautiful smile and no doubt lights up any room she/he/it walks in to. However, let's give this segment a little twist this week and instead, play "What Was God Thinking?" Yes, I believe that makes more sense this week, What Was God Thinking?

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

It is time for another edition of Yahoo Personals Interpreted. If you have not experience an interpreted Yahoo Personal before, chances are this may very well be one of the best days of your life. Most likely it is better than the day your first child was born. If not, I guarantee it will be a lot less messy.

Here's how it works: I take an actual Yahoo Personal and interpret what said person really meant to say. Apparently, people on the internet tend to lie, even while trying to find true love. I know, when I first heard about that, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Here is a Yahoo Personal that was listed by a woman:

A have been blessed to have been apart of generations all before me in the glory of a true love once in my life. Though it came to an end without warning, i have not turned my heart from others that may choose to build the bond between 2 ppl of the purest love. I am willing to put my self out there and learn about others and what makes their soul sing.

Here is the Yahoo Ad interpreted:

English is not my first language. If you are looking for someone with an IQ greater than a dung beetle, you may want to keep walking. If you think that women who pop acid while pregnant are bad, then colour me horrible. I have an odd body odor, it is a cross between kielbasa and fish sticks. My hair is knotted with jism and cotton candy. I once got my hand caught in a pickle slicer when I was a child, and for the rest of my life I have been nicknamed *Stubby* by very mean people. Although truth be told, I don't get it. I tend to get various food products caught between my four teeth. I am looking for a man who will love me with all his heart. If that fails, I'm looking for a man that will buy me smokes and Valu-Rite Vodka. My vagina is so large that one time a guy dropped his Timex in there and had to send in an exploratory team of engineers and professional spelunkers to get it out. I like dancing. I have many children and the scars to prove it.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

The amount of emails The Mayor gets asking him to post an interpreted Yahoo Personal ad would amaze you. That's of course if you are amazed at zero emails. Either way, I'm eating steak tonight.

What's my favourite thing about interpreting a Yahoo personal ad, you ask? That's a hard question, but perfectly fair. I suppose I would say that the interpreting part of the whole shabang. I also like reading peoples lies. So, to recap: I like to interpret and I like reading lies.

Here is an actual Yahoo Personal ad that I found tonight that I would like to share with you. Through my astute powers of observation, I am going to interpret said ad to the amazement of Mitchievillian's everywhere.

When I am not doing cosmetic surgery I like to relax singing ,everything from country,broadway shows nightclubs to opera,I like to ride my horse, paint and sculpt and enjoy photography especially portraits and pets & flowersI am a man who is sharp empathetic and understanding with a great sense of humor and ability to talk on many subjects or just be together.

And here is the Yahoo ad interpreted:

When I am not raping farm animals, I like to relax by raping non-farm animals. I like to ride my horse, but not in a casual giddy up way, but more along the lines of raping it. I enjoy painting and sculpting, and then raping the canvass, the brushes and the clay. I then sit back, admire my work, and then rape my painting and finally, I rape myself.

I am understanding and have a great sense of humour. I mean, I have a great sense of humour if you like jokes about me raping horses and painting equipment. I can talk on many subjects, but mostly I can tell you everything you need to know about rape. I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm a rapist and I need help.

Show of hands--who among us feels a little icky right now. Let me count...1...2...3...wow, everyone? May Set, the Snake God, have mercy on my soul.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

It's that time again. What time is *that time*, you ask? It's *that time*, you know, the time where I do that thing with the *you know what* right before I cram it into *You know where*. Aha, you have finally clued in, that's so wonderful.

Tonight is the night when I interpret an actual Yahoo Personal Ad. Someone once told me that people tend to misrepresent themselves when they are trying to snag a significant other whilst searching the personal ads. I was shocked to hear that, could this be true? I had to look into it myself, and what I found was disturbing. What's next, will blog writers start lying, too?

I have below in bold type, an actual Yahoo Personal ad of a young man. You can see the ad yourself, that is the beauty of not being blind. I will take said ad and interpret it the way that I--A professional online personal ad whisperer--actually sees and knows what the person is thinking and what he is like. Let's have a boo:

Just wanted to try this thing out to see how well it works...so here i go. I am a fun-loving, hard working, jovial natured person. Even though I'm jovial by nature, I can be just as serious at other times. I'm a native of New Orleans and i love getting out and doing different things. I enjoy going to the movies, eating out at different restaurants, traveling, spending time with family and friends and just doing things that makes me happy. I enjoy life! And yes, i can cook too...it's a New Orleans thing. I am very ambitious and is very passionate about life too. I work a lot so i value my time. Just as hard as I work, I make time for play too. A balance life is a key ingredient i was once told. Happiness and a peace of mind is very important to me too. So, if I sound like someone you would be interested in, stop by and say hello. I keep the light on for you. Cheers.

I am from New Orleans, therefore, I am as crooked as a British nanny's front teeth. I do indeed value many things, however, grammar and spelling aren't on that list. I enjoy life, but I also enjoy death. You will find out which one I like more after we date a few times. I smell of Colt 45 and I hooch pot through an old chocolate milk container. My friends call me *Rubby* and most of my jeans have a small urine stain where my left testicle use to hang before it got bit off by Marcella the $2 crack whore.

I don't know why, but I like to punch myself in the stomach while singing show tunes. I have three more toes than fingers, and my thumbs face backwards. I like to cook. I like to travel. I like small sentences. I don't care what you like. I don't even care what you look like. Basically you should just give me your PIN#, no use losing blood over a few dollarz, byatch. My tears taste like puddle water.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

It is time once again to interpret a real Yahoo personal ad. Through my incredible foresight and my amazing fivesight, I have taken a real life Yahoo ad and looked deep inside the soul of the person who placed it. Prepare to be amazed, prepare to be astonished, prepare to be overwhelmed, for tonight we dine in hell:

I'm Jenny. I'm a gentle,loyal,family oriented,soft,passionate,trustworthy lady.i'm easygoing and outgoing.I'm a lady full of fun,i seem to be seriously wanting to meet the man of my life.I love music,movies,outdoors,sight seeing and reading.I'm caring,understanding and honest.I am seeking a caring,understanding and honest man who must have a great sense of humor and must know how to treat a lady because somehow i loved to be pampered.I love kids,I love dancing(Its part of my life)I am all for cuddling and hugging and holding each other as much as possible. I love spontanious actions and suprises. I love to be hugged from behind when I'm cooking in the kitchen. I love to cook, love sports, take walks on the beach.

Now let's interpret this puppy, shall we?

Hi. I'm Jenny and I'm so much of a pain in the ass that after 5 minutes with me you'll want to pour acid in your eye socket. I love walking and jogging, running, movies, eating, reading, seeing and basically i never shut the hell up. i'm not into capitalizing words of any sort, this makes me feel young, childish even. basically i have the brain of an infant. look, i'm still not capitalizing! i love cuddling, i'm sure that's a major league turn on for men, cuz men love cuddling, right? yup, especially while football is on, i'll just come right up from behind you and start cuddling the life out of you and then i'll ask, "Sooooo, whatcha thinkin'?" i've never been in a relationship for more than 7 hours. i'm looking for a guy who has basically given up on life and has very few reasons to breathe. did i mention that i love dancing, cuz that's another thing guys really love to do--dance. uh huh, dancing and cuddling. great stuff. so, if you're looking for a woman with the brain of a toddler, someone who loves to suck the life right out of you, give me a ringy dingy hunny bunny and we can meet and possibly get married. toodles!

She sounds like quite a catch, any man would be lucky to have her.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

It's that time again, time to interpret a real Yahoo Personal. Wow, this is pretty exciting, you may want to sit down. Oh right, you're at your computer. Then you may want to stand up!

What I like...motorcycling in Vietnam, hiking in Banff, mountain biking in Chile, BBQ'ing on my balcony, running in High Park, rollerblading the TO waterfront and seeking new frontiers.

I get a kick out my job - how else can I witness an exposed beating heart from less than two feet, take the controls of an air force training jet, or spend a day at the beach? No, I am not a spy.

I have been described as passionate, giving, intense, articulate, opinionated, adventurous, and waaaay too honest.

I love music. My ipod reflects an eclectic mix of distracting and pulsating tunes

But enough about me...I am drawn to intelligence, passion and independence. A woman with drive and character, who is unpretentious and comfortable in her own skin.

Common interests are great and all - but they don't stand a chance against chemistry - the ultimate element of seduction.

And now to interpret the Yahoo Personal...

I live in the basement of my parents small house in the projects. You may have figured out by now that I am a terrible liar. I have 6 toes on each foot and I find it near impossible to find comfortable fitting shoes.

I smell like burning tires and my personal hygiene leaves alot to be desired. I once bathed in horse urine, it's kind of a fetish. The last time I had sex, it was with a cat. When the cat had kittens they were all retarded and had to be drowned in a pail of unleaded gas. It was cruel, yet necessary.

I'm in between jobs, but if I had to pick the perfect profession for me I would have to say working in a factory that produces urinal pucks. I know, I seem to talk a lot about urine, but in truth, it fascinates me to no end.

I'm not kind nor generous. I will never hold a door open for you and, chances are that when you wake up in the morning, various objects that I store in my nightstand will be placed in your anal cavity, mouth, or a combination of both.

I listen to music.

The perfect woman for me would have to be one without a sense of smell and is hooked up to a machine with many wires attached to her. Hair is not important, either is a body. Just as long as she is able to pee. I like brunettes because when their head bleeds you can't really tell. I also like women that dig Star Trek, Star Wars, or anything with the words *Star* or *Space* in it.

IM me, I'm usually awake, speed does that to a guy. Have I mentioned that I'm impotent?

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

Just about everything that goes into a personal ad is a load of crap, everyone with a functioning bladder knows it. If we actually said what was true, there wouldn't be personal ads, there would be tons of restraining orders, but very few personal ads.

Here is a real personal ad that was posted on Yahoo personals by some chick:

OK, here goes.... I love music, animals, the outdoors, a good lightning storm, simple innocent acts of kindness that for the most part go unnoticed. I read a lot of literature.
i.e. Byron, Jung, Sagan, Goethe, The fountain head, James Allen's "as a man thinkith"
I like to challange my mind. I recently moved back to Pa. I am originally from
Potter County. I play guitar and write music and poetry. I write alot of stuff i think about. blah blah ..... jeez, i'm not to sure what i just wrote back there but it kinda just all came out.

Here is that same personal ad truthfully interpreted:

I can't shut my fat mouth, I drive everyone crazy. No one likes being around me because I smell of eastern European cheeses and beer farts. If I told you I had sex within the last 22 years, I'd be nothing more than a filthy liar.

I'll tell you that I read Jung and Sagan because it makes me look smart. However, the only thing I have ever read is the back of a Frosted Flakes box and the scale in my bathroom...which says 265.

I love animals. Actually, I really only enjoy eating them. I have a nipple torture fetish and I like to pretend that I have no arms. I use to write poetry until I found out that I am a worthless poet. So then I tried to write a poem about how useless I was, but that didn't work out because I'm so fucking useless.

I love jamming deviled eggs into my rectum. My underarm hair is so long you could play it like a harpsichord. My ears have hair in them and I can't see my feet. I haven't wiped my bum in 12 years because my arms can't reach back there. I often smear peanut butter on my vagina and me and my monkey play, "Smooth or crunchy"

I need a man to shoot me in the head.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

The greatest thing about any form of personal ads out there in internet land is the extent to which grown men and women will lie and deceive to their potential partner just to make themselves look semi-human. Pretty much everything you read in a personal ad is complete nonsense, dipped in untruthiness, with a healthy smattering of bullshit, topped off with a complete distortion of fact and reality.

I will, once again, take a random Yahoo ad and interpret it for you, my wonderful, gracious and stupendous (stupendous doesn't mean stupid, it's a compliment, stupid) fellow Mitchievillian's.

Actual ad:

Fine dining, a vintage bottle of wine and stimulating conversation can lead to great things...

I believe in enjoying life to it's fullest. You get what you give...so always be generous!

Life can be a bumpy road...I'm willing to love like I've never been hurt before. Are you??

Yahoo ad interpreted:

A cheeseburger and fries, a 40 of Valu-Rite vodka with a sprinkling of ground up roofie can lead to great things...but not for your bum.

I believe in enjoying life to its fullest, as I'm sure you do, too. However, after I suck the life out of you (generally three weeks or so), you'll wish you had never been born. You see, I come off as some sort of hero, but in the end I'm nothing more that a glue-huffing deadbeat woman abuser who would have sex with a monkeys ass if I could catch the little bastards.

Life can be a bumpy road...I'm willing to love like I've never been hurt before. I mean, what the fuck do I have to lose anyway? You on the other hand? You're going to lose your kids, your money, your sanity, and eventually your hair.

You get what you give, so always be generous. Hehe, that's easy for me to say, I only have $4 and half a pack of gum to my name. But I do give everything I have. For instance, before you met me you never had herpes or gonorrhea, and now look at you, you have both. Lucky bitch.

Care to take a chance with a complete loser, again?

Interpreting Yahoo Personals

What she says:

All Woman seeks Gentleman of substance, savoir faire, authenticity, great communication skills, creativity, humor and kingly means.

I love fine wining and dining... and balance with yoga, workin out and wholistic health regimes.

I'm sophisticated, well traveled, sensitive, sensual, generous, intelligent and very romantic.

What she really means:

I am a high-maintenance hippy slut who is only after your money. I am a colossal pain in the ass who will yip and nag you, until eventually you will either shoot yourself in the face to end your misery or smother me with a pillow as I sleep.

I like to drink wine, it makes me even more talkative than when I'm sober. I love to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. I always talk shit, and enjoy interrupting you so I can talk more shit. You will lose all your friends and family because of me, and there is no doubt you will resent and hate me after a short period of time.

I'm into yoga, so that means I can put my feet behind my ears. At the beginning you will find this a massive turn-on, but after a week or so you will constantly have a smell in your nose of burning fish.

Remember that ugly girl in grade two who everyone despised and pelted with rotten fruit? That was me. I hate myself.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

I will now attempt to interpret another Yahoo Personal, and this time I chose a (random) woman from the lovely city of Peterboro, Ontario.

I'm a 5'5, slightly overweight single woman, who is looking for a man between the ages of 25-45.

I would describe myself as a confident, independent, friendly woman with a strong sense of self who knows what she wants out of life and is not into playing the head games. I have a great sense of humor and at times can be sarcastic but, not to worry I can take it as well as give it.

I am passionate about my career and also of that special someone who I love to spend time with. I place great importance on my family values and have been blessed with a circle of friends who mean the world to me.

My ideal match is social and outgoing. He would feel free to express himself and is able to communicate, be honest, and trusting those are just some of the key things that go along way in a relationship for me. There is no time for drama or games just reality. Someone who has a good sense of what he wants out of life and be happy with who he is.

What this really means...

I'm 5' nothing and weigh in the neighborhood of a zillion pounds. I can't see my feet or touch my own back. I'm a dirty pig, and water hasn't touched my back since 1998.

I can spit between the giant space in my buck teeth, and I have a tail. I sell advertising for EBay on my enormous ass, and I can often be found in the local K-Mart restaurant snorting chopped up lightbulbs through a twisty straw. I can't physically wipe my own ass, and it really hurts to walk, therefore, I don't walk anymore. My breasts are so large that I now rent them out as speed bags at the local boxing gym.

My feet smell like rotten cheese, and I feel sorry for myself.

I'm independent, only because no one can stand being around me. It is physically impossible for me to shut my big mouth for more than 3 seconds at a time, my doctor attributes this not so much to the fact that I have ADD, but more to the fact that I'm a really annoying bitch. I constantly talk about my job, to the point where you'll want to shove a chop stick in your ear just to make the noise go away.

I am passionate about my career because I have nothing else to live for. I work at the Yarn Barn, and I am the assistant to the assistant manager's assistant.

I enjoy watching The Price is Right and yelling out the word "LOWER!" at the TV. I like drinking motor oil and eating roadkill. I use to smear peanut butter on my vagina and have sex with my pet llama, but he jumped off a bridge shortly after his second encounter with me. His suicide note said he had nothing to live for.

My ideal man is someone who has no sense of smell or touch. I'm looking for a man who doesn't appreciate dental hygiene, and won't gnaw off his arm when he wakes up next to me. I'll pay any man alive $75 to clip my toenails.

If you are reading this, you are probably far too educated to go out with me. However, if by chance you lost a cruel bet, then give me a call.

Yahoo Personals Interpreted

Inspired by my post yesterday regarding pictures of actual members of Yahoo Personals, I am going to interpret the *About Me* section of random Yahoo Personal clients.

I am a 6', 190 lbs, brown hair, blue eye Caucasian male. I am a loving caring sincere and down to earth man seeking woman for long term relationship, words are plenty and cheap but I believe in action so if u are interested and would like to know more then write back.

looking for a loving caring and inteligent.lady who would be my friend and partner, and stick in good and bad time.if you want to know more about me, please contact me.

What it really means:

I am a 5'3, 340lb blob of a human who would eat your face if given half a chance. I'm not so much looking for a long term relationship as I am someone that can stand me and my addiction to animal porn.

As you can tell, diction and grammar matter not a whit to me, I'm uneducated, and my doctor has labeled me mentally deficient. This is due to the fact that when I was a baby, my mommy beat me upside the head with a ping-pong mallet for extended periods of time.

My hobbies include: liquefying chocolate and injecting it into my eye socket. Sticking random pieces of IKEA furniture into my anal cavity. Going to parades and holding up signs. Sitting in one place for hours on end, defecating in my adult diapers. I like going fishing, catching fish, killing fish, eating fish, and making sweet love to fish. I enjoy crocheting my back hair into Japanese anime, and I like to drink bizarre concoctions such as Red Bull, Scotch, and gasoline all mixed together.

I would like kids one day, but my parole officer is dead-set against it. I only have one tattoo, but it covers me from my earlobe to my asshole. I call my bedroom the *Land of terror and torture*, and I enjoy pulling the legs off of centipedes. My paperboy is scared of me, and my mailman throws the mail onto my lawn for fear that I will set him on fire. My penis looks like a chew-toy.

I am looking for a woman who is missing both her legs. She need not be tall or short, thin or heavy, she just needs to be able to live with heavy iron constraints tied to her torso. I am interested in a woman who would like it if I fed her, preferably with a pitchfork. I touch myself so often that once a guy told me to get a room.

If you meet these requirements, and aren't scared of a few bloody lumps on your partners raw dog, them IM me, I'm awake pretty much 24/7.

Photo's of Real Members of Yahoo Personals

Click

*Safe for work, but it will haunt your dreams.