How To Tell When You Have had Enough Booze

The good folks at Cal Wineries have some charts and a rather extensive article on how to optimize your buzz. There are plenty of tips and hints directing you, the drunk, how to stay buzzed without going too far, pretty much to the point of death.

While I'll hand it to Cal Wineries for their thoughtful insight, I'm afraid it's just not necessary, for I have already developed a rather concise, no-fail system which will help you tell whether it's time to stop drinking, or if it's time to drink some more.

These tests aren't for lightweights, these tests are designed for men and women that can handle their alcohol some, or most of the time.

To participate in these tests, you will need to carry three pictures. The first picture is of Cameron Diaz, the second picture is of Pink, and the third picture is of Rosie O'Donnell.

After a few (let's say 6) drinks, take the pictures out of your wallet and have a good boo at them. Now think to yourself: Out of these three women, who would I bang right now? If you say Diaz but not Pink and Rosie, you're pretty buzzed, but you still have approximately 4 hours of drinking left.

At 10 drinks take the pictures out of your pocket again. Ask yourself the same question again: Out of those three women, who would I bang right now? If you say Diaz and Pink, but not Rosie, you're really loaded, but you still have a few drinks to go before you're completely messy. If you said Diaz and Pink but not Rosie, but your eyes keep looking at Rosie, you need to down two shooters and call a cab.

At 14 drinks, perform the same routine. If this time you said you'd bang all three of those pigs, call someone over and tell them to bring a bucket and a nurse, because you're about to puke and chances are you're about to die. If you still said Diaz and Pink but not Rosie, rinse and repeat, tonight is your night, my friend, tonight is your night.

The scary part about this test is that it works like magic, it's based on truth. The terrible part of the test is that a few of you are reading this and are probably not drunk and are thinking that you would bang Pink without being drunk. That makes you a queer, cuz Pink has a cock. Not only that, but she has a face like a horse, so, in essence, you want to have sex with an ugly horse-faced guy. Whether you are the pitcher or catcher is irrelevant at this point, your faggadocious is starting to worry everyone.

I hope this test helps, I'm sure it couldn't hurt.

Remember, the gang at Mitchieville care about your health and well-being. If you think you have a drinking problem, for God's sake, keep it to yourself, no one in the world likes a sloppy, mouthy, horse-faced humping retard.