Prime Minister Harper’s Panel on Afghanistan

Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that a non-partisan panel is going to look into the various options pertaining to Canada’s involvement in Afghanistan. Having a panel study this issue a present a report to parliament is a good idea as it gets the issue out of the House of Commons for the next little while and lets the focus stay on the upcoming throne speech. While the strategy is sound it is the make-up of the panel that I find particularly interesting.

On the Liberal side of the panel we have legendary television broadcaster Pam Wallin, who at one time served as Canada’s consul general to New York. We also have the guy who should have run against Paul Martin for the Liberal Party leadership, John Manley. Manley, a former deputy prime minister, was a supporter of deploying to Afghanistan when he was in cabinet and is a Liberal from the right side of his party. Since Manley is a former Liberal cabinet minister the non-partisan optics look good for Harper. I wonder though at how long it will take the Press Gallery crowd to starting beating Harper around over his other three picks: Paul Tellier, Derek Burney and Jake Epp.

Tellier was Clerk of the Privy Council under Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and it was Mulroney who appointed Tellier to the head of CN. Burney was a Mulroney chief of staff who was then appointed Ambassador to the United States. Jake Epp was a senior Mulroney cabinet minister and is considered to have been one of Mulroney's most trusted and competent ministers. The Press Gallery loves beating Harper with the Mulroney stick so I imagine that the pundits will be clubbing him with this over weekend. I doubt Harper will care.

The more I see of Harper the more I like him. I realize Harper has annoyed some of his more right wing supporter since he became prime minister, but Canada needs to be governed from the center and Harper understands this. This panel is about Afghanistan, but it is also about reaching out the old Progressive Conservative wing of the party. You know what? It's working, and I am close to declaring myself an unabashed Stephen Harper fan.

Things like reaching out to the old PC party, governing from the center, and his not so subtle bitch-slap of Newfoundland premier Danny Williams the other day are winning over the moderate Conservatives of whom he needs their support so he can get a majority government in the next election (this seems like a good place to note that I live in the 103 seat Province of Ontario). If Prime Minister Stephen Harper can get a majority in Ottawa and govern uninterrupted for a few years he may become a prime minister for the ages.

Stephen Harper Is A Coward

Today in Halifax, Nova Scotia, our Prime Minister cowardly announced that Canada will spend $3.1 billion to refit and modernize our 12 Halifax Class Frigates. How will spending $3.1 billion on these puny ships strike fear into the heart of our enemies? Russia, China, the United States – they all have Aircraft Carriers, Guided Missile Cruisers and ruthless, aggressive leaders. Canada needs to project some serious sea power. Canada needs Battleships.

Whatever happened to the great ships of war like HMS Canada ? Why won’t Canada's New Government build a fleet of five new ice breaking capable double-hulled nuclear powered battleships to protect the Canadian North? A broadside of twelve 14 inch cannons from the decks of our mighty dreadnaughts would surely make the Yankee bastards cede the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and the vast oil reserves contained underneath to Canada. The meat from the collaterally damaged Caribou from that broadside can then be used to feed the sailors of our battle fleet. With free caribou meat and an endless supply of nuclear powered energy our marauding monitors could stay at sea forever! Does anyone seriously think the dastardly Danes would ever try to take Hans Island again knowing that our dreadnaughts are aboot in the North West Passage? I think not.

My Canada includes big ass battleships. I, Suvorov, have saved Canada's New Government thousands of dollars in funding and research money by arbitrarily naming our new series of ships in a culturally sensitive and quintessentially Canadian manner. These names will surely strike fear into the hearts of the foreign evildoers who covet our subterranean arctic diamond reserves. Our ships, the HMSC Denny Doherty; HMCS Hank Snow; NCMS Felix Leclerc, HMCS Walter Ostinek, and HMCS Stan Rogers will strike fear into the hearts of all who see their wake. The money saved by me selflessly doing this for our nation can now be used to purchase nuclear tipped 14 inch cannon shells for our ships. Take that Taliban Jack!


The waters and land of the Canadian Artic (according to the Minister of National Defence this is an alternate spelling of Arctic) belong to Canada. Our battleships would preserve our arctic sovereignty for generations and give our country a seat at the table of aggressor nations for decades to come, not that Harper seems to care. Thankfully for you Canada, I do.

I, Suvorov, have posted this because Stephen Harper is a coward. Show your bravery by sending Fenris your money and lots of it - Battleships ain’t cheap.

The failure that is Stephen Harper

As a politically correct activist, I am afraid of Global Warming. And what makes Global Warming warm warmer is a lack of response by Last Nations First Speaker, Stephen Harper.

Worse than this. And what about the influence of Space Aliens on Global Warming? When was the last time you heard Stephen Harper express his concern about the influence of Space Aliens on Global Warming? This upsets me. This is upsetting to many Various-Canadians. Handouts and Studies are called for. And Stephen Harper does nothing to combat the Space Alien peril. How about some handouts for our homeless, Harper? Hmmmm?

You, like me, want to help the helpless. And we can both give hope to our homeless in our own special way. I, by taking your money, and you, by giving it. So, surrender to the soft tropical sunset breeze, let your spirit be carried off by the Sleeping Serpent, Set-Abubis to a place where there is no Global Warming. There you will serve Set, the Snake God, as a happy slave.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

I am rarely so outraged as I am right now. I had all evening for a slow boiling rage to build up pressure in the pressure cooker of my mind. The Harper government has failed in its most important sacred duty: to tax and spend money on legal challenges to federal law.

The Backstory: Just last night I attended a celebration at the Katyn Wood Home for the Homeless. Ten of the homeless people who live there (whom we call Collective 52), had earned enough privilege tokens to gain access to the plasma screen television lounge up on the third level. Collective 52 is our top token earning work group at Katyn Wood. Lord Hades and Lady Persephone are very proud of them. 52 is our best work group for telemarketing, cleanliness, loyalty, socialist spirit, and obedience to bureaucracy. They were rewarded with two hours access to the television lounge, along with kool-aid and dog biscuits. It should have been a happy night of socialist fun and merriment, and it would have been but not for Stephen Harper and his band of castrating Christians.

What happened, Fenris. You better get your kleenex handy, this is a real tear jerker. For those of you with a weak stomach, maybe a barf bag.

Collective 52 collectively decided to watch a movie that Lord Hades had rented from the Metro Toronto library: Attack of the Brain Eating Zombies. I had prepared a running commentary for the movie, illustrating how inferior capitalist systems are vulnerable to attacks of the bacteria that cause people to turn into brain eating zombies. The spokesperson for Collective 52 then asked me this insightful question, after getting the approval to ask it from the Commissar of Collective 52. He asked me: Since we live in a corrupt capitalist state, Comrade Fenris, are we not exposed to attacks of brain eating zombies?

What is Stephen Harper doing to prevent attacks from brain eating zombies? In the informative movie, a wise vegetarian wheelchair person develops an elixir from common plants that makes the zombies burst into flame. So why cannot Tony Clement and his legions of scientists at the Ministry of Health not come up with a formula, mass produce this elixir, and initiate a publicity campaign of telemarketers, informative brochures, and public awareness advertising spots? The answer is that these evil heteronormative capitalists are so wrapped up in facts that they cannot imagine. When I sent a loyal minion to the Ministry of Health information kiosk, demanding answers to these tough questions, they were detained, restrained, and sent to see an emotional disorders specialist. What sort of jackbooted fascist theocracy is going on here? What is this government trying to hide?

We need funding to start planning an awareness campaign timed to influence the next federal election. Children's lives are at stake: we need canary yellow photocopy paper, now! We need office equipment, toner, and paper clips. We need volunteers to work the phone lines, and we need a healthy tax increase to be able to afford the professional bureaucrats needed to staff the administration pyramid.

If we can Stop Harper, we can Stop the Brain Eating Zombies.

Send me your money, and save yourself from certain death.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

cross posted at Dust My Broom

Stop Harper

Rarely have I ever been so outraged over such a shortsighted policy as the massive spending cuts that Stephen Harper's government of monocultural heteronormative meanies has dictated from their patriarchial fortress of oppression on the banks of the Ottawa river. I was so upset that I spilled a cup of prune nectar on my fuzzy seal pup slippers that I got from Greenpeace as a renewal gift for their 2006 membership drive. My hands are shaking and my heart is bleeding.

These outrageous cuts are a chainsaw in the forest of our urban culture. The last time this happened was during the reign of the emperor Valentinian (link) when he chopped the social spending to the peaceful vegetarian Goth tribes living in harmony with nature in Central Europe. Their feelings were hurt. They felt unloved. They were alienated. Although they had never committed an act of violence before, they embarked on a series of wars, border raids, massacres, sackings, and pillaging expeditions. I suspect the same thing will happen here. Just as the Goths invaded the Roman Empire, you can expect the Goths to turn Toronto to ashes!

Broken promises. No activist believes that a billion dollars of spending cuts are the cuts in spending that Harper's Gangsters lyingly promised during the stolen election campaign. These spending cuts are not cuts in spending. No way. So when can we expect cuts in spending, Harper? Hmmmm?

Museums to be closed, artifacts to be sold to American art snobs. Like most Canadians, I go to the museum at least once a week. No more Museum of Patriarchial Oppression, or the Museum of Intestinal Parasites for you and your loved ones. This will lead to illiteracy among our disadvantaged homeless village peoples, famine in the fashion industry, and an increase in third hand smoking deaths. The barbarian Goths will gather in hordes to swarm the sound barriers that protect our urban areas!

Wasteful and Unneeded Spending Initiatives to be Slashed. Even noted Harvard economist Moe Howard noted the urgent need for wasteful and unneeded spending. Homosexuals, one of the poorest demographics in Canada (ranking in the same cohort as Conrad the Black, target of anti-Black American prosecution) will be unable to look to the leadership of the Court Challenges Program, which was spearheading the Sex with Little Boys Legalization Program, a series of federal government subsidized lawsuits against the federal government.

Unemployable Youth Employment Program. A massive 55.4 million dollars have been stolen from this cornerstone program which has kept the streets of Toronto completely safe from a broad spectrum of youth violence. Over two hundred street youth were kept busy with ice creme and cake appreciation under the careful stewardship of fifty-five staff. Cost of materials was four hundred thousand dollars. Now this next generation of unemployable youth will turn to street crime, purse snatching, vandalism, and public masturbation out of outrage. Where will YOU be when the Goths sack your shopping mall?

I fear for the future of civilization. Stephen Harper is a big meanie. Please take out a second mortgage on your home and send me your money so that I can fund a spending initiative to research a spending plan to mount an awareness campaign to stop what has already happened.Send me your money!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Cross posted at Dust My Broom, sans pic (stop staring at those boobs, you heteronormative primate)

Stop Harper

When will people rise up to take down this tyrant? How many young primates, animals, and plants must suffer before Quasi-Sentinent-Canadians take up their cheque books and fund an Action Group to Study Alternatives?

I am filled with outrage over the most recent grenade attack in Toronto, the city that struggles in the shadow of Mitchieville. Hand grenades are not part of the acceptable intra-village village norms of conduct. It is bad enough to see the bodies floating down the Don and Humber and Rouge Rivers: the victims of youth violence in an meanie society that does not accept them. The tragic fruit of outcast village people turning to the machete and camping hatchet to resolve conflict, rather than dialogue and mutual respect.

The thud of ka-booming grenades disturbs my sleep. Another shipment has arrived by Canada Post from Grenade Wholesalers in Alberta. When is Stephen Harper going to mention at a press conference that he is initiating funding of a Hand Grenade Registry? I want to know. And, I want to know why now.

After the massacre of August fourth, I thought that the youth groups would interest themselves in harvesting their drug and prostitution profits and renounce violence. Stephen Harper's absence at the World AIDS Telethon to cry at the videotaped performance of Jerry Lewis announcing that he was gay and had AIDS, emotionally traumatized our alienated youth and forced them to turn violent against each other. Brushing aside their tears, our Gangbangers turned to whatever medieval weapons they could buy at Canadian Tire. That was back in July, at the start of Summer Holidays. The endless weeks of heat and hammer killings, hatchet slayings, and grisly electrocutions, that was the summer of 2006 in Toronto.

Now, they have turned to Hand Grenades. How many car accidents are really caused by improper handling and storage of imported explosive devices? You may think that your neighbour's house blew up in a gas explosion, but really, it was a vengeful telemarketer with a stick grenade. The carnage will stop when the government funds start.

It is time for Stephen Harper to act.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stephen Harper Hates Homosexuals, and Canadians are Ignorant

Speaking at the Auto Workers constitutional convention, leader of the CAW, Buzz Hargrove criticized Prime Minister Stephen Harper on a broad range of issues:

Hargrove called Harper's decision not to attend or speak to the international AIDS conference held in Toronto this week a "damn disgrace."

He said delegates came from all over the world to learn more about AIDS.

"They must look and wonder to themselves 'are Canadians so unaware, so unconcerned as their prime minister about this pandemic.' "

Buzz is right, of course. As Canadians, we must ensure that not one soul in the universe has a negative feeling towards us.

It is disgraceful that Stephen Harper didn't attend the AIDS conference. I know for a fact that if Stephen Harper showed up he could have done so much. He could have spoken to the delegates, handed out pamphlets, and spoken in sound bites. Harper could have pledged billions more $$$ in research for this horrible disease, but most of all, Stephen Harper could have cured AIDS, for we all know the Conservatives have a cure, but refuse to share it with the world because they hate homosexuals.

Canadians don't know the first thing about AIDS, we are shockingly ignorant. This is because we don't have enough information about it. If it wasn't for AIDS Action Now,
AIDS Committee of Toronto, AIDS Quilt, AIDS Vigil, Black-CAP, Casey House,
Community AIDS Treatment Information Exchange, HIV/AIDS Legal Clinic of Ontario,
McEwan House, Ontario AIDS Network, PWA Foundation, The Teresa House, The Yoga Group, CNW Group, CARE, AIDS Advocacy Network, Marley AIDS advocacy, Global AIDS Alliance, AIDSMap, AVAC, AIDS Healthcare Foundation, the thousands of teachers, schools, clinics, doctors, nurses, facilitators, administrators, the UN, churches, needle exchange programs, Canada's $250 million pledged to the UN to combat AIDS in Africa, $100 million in Canada for R&D, we would be completely left in the dark.

It is no wonder the world thinks we don't care

Buzz might be buzzed

Stop Harper

News even worse than Invasion from Space!

WOODSTOCK - Stephen Harper took a page out of George Bush’s book and used armed force and bullying to force others to do his will.

Using an elite parachute brigade that Stephen Harper had handpicked and trained with, Canadian Stormtroopers easily overwhelmed the security detachment surrounding American President George Bush. The American Leader, once the most feared tyrant on the planet, was forced under threat of death to concede important trade points and turn over control of all nuclear weapons to Harper’s personal control. Unnamed sources present at the meeting say that Bush lost bladder control when Harper personally threatened him with a broken shard from a beer mug.

Now Stephen Harper is the worlds most dastardly villain, as he used the very same methods that brought infamy to Bush, on Bush. And Canadians now have to share the country with this brutal first world despot, whereas before they could just gripe and titter in their northern solitude over those stupid Americans.

It gets worse.

As part of the deal for the life of George Bush, Space Alien Technology from the Roswell crash site was surrendered to the Canadian Air Force. Unfortunately for the Free World, other Space Alien Weapons were already in the control of the Conservative Party of Canada. When these two devices were combined, Evil Scientists loyal only to Harper were able to use Fearsome Alien Weapons to obliterate the Invasion from Space that everyone has been worried about. At the snap of his finger, insane despot Harper signaled the incineration of the Alien Fleet beyond Pluto in only six minutes. This happened during the World Cup Soccer game between France and Portugal so the Main Stream Media was unable to report the spectacular space battle and bright multi-megaton flashes for what they were. Instead, people mistakenly took the booms, cracks, flashes, thuds, ka-booms, whumps and burning wreckage streaking through the sky of a major space battle for street youth hip hop activists.

Canada now lies under the despotic rule of a power crazed fanatic armed with Weapons from Space Aliens, advised by a shadowy cabal of Evil Scientists, and surrounded by legions of fanatic soldiers. These soldiers are personally loyal to Harper, and Harper alone. They do not respect UN resolution 1187 concerning the treatment of plants, reptiles, amphibians, and worms.

This is worse than Invasion from Space, which was worse than Global Warming. Will Harper make the Harp seals extinct by using their brains to control cyborg suicide weapons for his vast space empire? Will Harper order accelerated Global Warming in order to make a quick buck selling Yukon real estate to gullible American investors? Will Harper kill the Third World with third hand cigarette smoke? Will the Toronto School Board ever receive adequate funding? Or will the Toronto School Board be turned into a vast forced labor camp, making widgets and gizmos by candle light to fill the hungry arsenals of the Canadian War Machine on its demonic mission of Galactic Conquest and Empire?

You can fight this evil by writing letters to the Toronto Star, or painting your face in bright colors and shouting sentence fragments while being filmed by activist cameramen. Only the United Nations can stop Harper. Write to them with your concerns, including a stamped, self addressed envelope for their reply. The UN is our only hope now.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

So what has that evil anti-Care Bear Stephen Harper done lately? Has he stopped the violence of the TTC drivers, machinists, and janitors against the homeless? What about the noble land claims activists who are holding a lonely vigil out in Caledonia? Nothing!

This is a good example of the importance of a level playing field in any perfect state. When one of our impartial judges orders the TTC goons back to work, they should go. Activists despise the rich priviledged false unionist goons of the TTC who took one hour too many to get back to work. They should be more like the peaceful vegetarian multi-culturalist Native-Canadians who abhor violence and have a deep respect for law and order. If Canada is to stop being a racist shithole it is time to treat everybody equally, and everybody has the right to work in a violence free workplace. Too bad our TTC thugs do not realize this.

And what about the Supreme Leader of the Blue Meanies? When is Harper going to give the Natives the money they need to survive the harsh winter, to pay tuition for school, to buy clothes, or to look for job opportunities? What about some money for activists? A recreation center, and some social workers? Natives have the right to a violence free work place, and Harper should raise taxes to make this happen. As for the TTC thugs, they should be chained to their buses and ticket counters and forced to provide the services our activists demand. How can our Gangbangers get to clubs? How can our panhandlers get to their favourite places to beg for a crust of bread? How can our activists get to the University of Toronto to attend class? How can the homeless get to their subsidized housing?

I am outraged.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

TORONTO The reign of terror under the brutal police state of the hated tyrant Stephen Harper continued today into yet another week of inconvenience. Lightning raids by elite police storm troopers clad in black leather fetish arrestingly styled by local talent Enza the Drag Queen, these scary thugs with lengthy records of human rights abuses struck fear into the hard done by and under funded Jamaican multi-sub-cultural villages across the Village-City of Caring Toronto.

Hundreds of innocent people swept up in the midnight raids have been broken up for their bodily organs, their carved carcasses left on display on the lawn of Queens Park. Twenty bodies have washed ashore in Oakville, all showing signs of police brutality. Screams of the tortured inmates of the police cells echo across the valley of the Lower Don from the hellish Don Jail. At least eight gangbangers have been fed to the wolves at the Toronto Zoo, jeered on by redneck family groups.

How long before Stephen Harper apoligizes for his existence and hands power over to his ideological enemies? Who is willing to raise money to offer Stephen Harper a bribe to betray his principles? Let us gather money for this noble cause. Send me your Money.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

I felt stretched and unsettled as I had my morning main stream media moment. What is this Harper meanie up too? The facts stared up at me from the page: The wise opinion of the opinion-makers is that Canadians are a solid majority against anything that is not in the Liberal-NDP play book. That is why the Socialist Majority won a minority of votes, and was crushed pretty well everywhere that social spending does not flow.


Is Stephen Harper preparing Canada for the inevitable take over of Islamic Fundamentalism?
Like, what has he done? Is Arabic our third offical language yet? What about the feminist demands that hijabs for transvestites be priced the same as for transexuals, butch and femme females? What about that, Harper? Homosexual lobbists demand that Sharia law apply in workplace disputes. The Koran is quite clear about embracing all forms of our multi-cultural society, especially the easy to read and understand Gay Power Koran in Regents-Park-Ebonic translation available throughout the Rainbow Village here in Toronto.

That is why I support Bob Rae for our Maximum Leader of Tomorrow.
Like most everybody who did not flee the province looking for a job, I have fond memories of the Rae administration here in Ontario. Remember when Bob wanted to reduce the age of consent to seven? That would have saved our sex trade industry here in Toronto during the economic crash that happened after that Mike Harris guy got into power. What about gun crime? It did not exist except for rural whites running rampage through small towns and hamlets outraged over lack of midnight basketball and vegetarian banquets for school children.

Make the Bad Voices Stop! Please.


I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

It is never a good day when I have to get up and see that big meanie, Stephen Harper, in my morning main stream media. How dare he give money to people with children! Without the support of a beaurocratic infrastructure you cannot help people.

The poor and oppressed in this country need state funded daycare. They need child care workers, child care administrators, child care maintenance staff, and a child care ombudsperson. Let us look at an example:

Rosa Luxembourg has three children. She is a victim, so she collects welfare, goes to the food bank, gets handouts from a church she pretends to support, and makes an extra five hundred dollars a week (cash) from a telemarketing job. Without Paul Martin's day care plan, she will lose the opportunity to get a job when she finishes university as a child care activist.

Rosa works hard at school, at work, and as a mother. After only seven years of university she has finally found herself, thanks to the local chapter of Lesbians for the destruction of Mankind. Officially, she is collecting scholarships to be an engineer, but that was too downgrading to her personality and was too competitive. With her engineering scholarship, Rosa discovered her inner voice: as a child care activist! She helps others to collect all the welfare benefits they deserve. She will graduate in only three years.

Without state subsidized child care, where will Rosa go?

Think about that the next time you see that Stephen Harper on television.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

TORONTO - Shocking news of the oppressive police tactics promoted by the earth hating Conservatives and their heteronormative leader, Stephen Harper.

Apparently, police are now employing packs of free ranging dogs to seek out and attack criminals in high crime areas of the city. Police spokesman claim that the dogs are trained to co-operate in groups (kamphgruppe) and are incapable of violating civil liberties.

We talked to several people in the Cataraqui street area, a quiet suburban street just off Warden that is the location of several social housing developments.


ShakaZulu is a Professor of English at York University.

Wha' th' f'k? F'k dawg done y' mah ro'k. F'k muthaf'k'r. He said when we interviewed him at the local convenience store where he had stopped in to buy tin foil, lighters, and baking soda.

Apparently, a pack of police dogs had appeared out of the adjacent Warden Woods park and savagely attacked Professor ShakaZulu as he was out for his morning spiritual religious rituals. They stole his pipe, a bag of powdered medication, and some two hundred dollars in money.

F'k. Mutha'f'k'r. Pop th't beyotch 'n sh't f'k'n sh't. He said, expressing dismay and disgust at the lack of social spending on after school programs for troubled youth and inadequate funding for welfare housing initiatives.

Harmonia 'Big Momma' is a Fact Checker for the CBC and runs a Racism-Free Day Care at the Cataraqui Welfare Village Peoples Center.

Those horrible police dogs keep following me everytime I go outside. There must be twenty of those hell-hounds. They are from the planet Xeno. I cannot smoke angel dust outside, now. I have to do it inside in the nursery school. Those dogs attacked my connection, Heavy P and ate the herb and the money. I hate the police. My guiding voices tell me that Stephen Harper sent them.

On Cataraqui street, a spontaneous protest happened today with over five hundred thousand protesters protesting the use of free-range police dogs, global warming, inadequate social spending, and calling for the immediate resignation of Stephen Harper and unilateral disbanding of the Metro Police.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. ShakaZulu factchecked every fact that could be checked for factual checkedness.

Stop Harper

Like most people who oppose Stephen Harper and everything he represents, I live in a dream world. In my magical dream world, everything is sunshine and light, and there are sugarplums for all. Facing certain destruction of my fantasy life, I have sought comfort in the wise words of Doctor Bran M'Bunga, a registered anilinguist (animal language specialist) and Animal Rights Worker. Doctor Bran is a gentle man who works at the Federally Funded Free Clinic at Jane-Finch, here in the heart of troubled Toronto.

Oh My Baphomet! said Doctor Bran, when I walked in the door. 'The evil Stephen Harper is going to cut the funding for the Free Clinic!'

This is terrible news, I said, taking off my parka, scarf, thinsulate mittens, Sorrel felt lined boots, sweater, and watch cap. It sure was hot out today here in Toronto ... more proof of widespread and unstoppable Global Warming.

Without the money from the government, the Free Clinic will close down!

How many? How many people will lose their jobs, I asked.

Oh, too many. Doctor Bran took me on a tour of the Free Clinic. The Librarian would lose her job, along with the Librarian Assistant. They were crying as they shredded election pamphlets and tore up telemarketing call lists. The Senior Receptionist will lose her job too. She was out helping the local Liberal candidate gather in his election signs using the Free Clinic van. The three Junior Receptionists were crying in the staff kitchen. The Program Manager had locked himself in his office. The Program Administrator had called in sick. The Maintenance Electrician was pulling wire out of the wall ... maybe he could sell it before the evil Stephen Harper turned the Free Clinic into a Shrine to Hitler. The Maintenance Plumber was making a last order of copper pipe ... hopefully it would arrive before his Free Clinic Credit Card was stopped. Very sad.

I sat on the leather sofa in Doctor Bran's inner office while his assistant served us a soothing latte from his private kitchenette.

Western Civilization is evil, said Doctor Bran. Without this clinic, there will be a bloody uprising when The Youth realize that nobody cares about them. It will be very bad. This is a war crime.

I could only nod my head sadly and stir my cane sugar slowly into my cup with the Liberal Party silver spoon.

Let me show you, said Doctor Bran, after we had finished our latte and shared some salmon steaks, caviar, and artichoke heart salad. He turned on the surveillance camera for the small, cramped room that acted as the public section of the Free Clinic. I was saddened that the responsible, but tight fiscal policy of the Liberals had only allowed such a small public area.

The film was grainy at first, then: A Looter-Canadian came into the clinic. The date stamp on the video said that it was three in the morning. The poor man was dressed in the uniform of despondency ... pants around his butt (the lack of a belt symbolic of poverty), his hat worn sideways (symbolic of the hurt of a rejected, but vibrant sub-culture), and gold chains of poverty around his neck. He pounded on the bullet proof window and the Night Receptionist Assistant Trainee came to the glass.

Yo, beotch. Sum whi' ho dun cal me'uh N* he said in the poetic melody of Jane-Finch Looter Ebonic. He pounded on the glass again with his Krupp-und-Skoda nine millimeter.

The poor oppressed man, I blurted, he lives in such fear of the rampaging Toronto Police and the Canadian Army that he is forced to carry a gun when he goes out at three in the morning! But what of this mysterious 'N' word? What horrible insult could it be that it drove this poor man into a Free Clinic at three in the morning? Did this evil and cruel white woman call him a Nin'com'poop? Ne'er-do-well? Nitwit? Nutjob? Nutbar? Ninny? Nanocephalus? Nerd? Nasty? Numbskull? Nerfgerbil?

I screamed in horror when Doctor Bran whispered the dreaded N-word into my ear. The exact same word celebrated by Rap Artisans and Hip-Hop Movie Stars! But when used by a non-politically correct person, it is turned into a thing of evil, and deserving of reparations!

I felt marginally better when the video showed the Night Assistant Receptionist Trainee give the downtrodden man twenty dollars in exchange for his signature on the Racism Incident Report. He left, making a phone call on his cell phone. He was seeking support from his special friend, who had a rock for him. A rock of love!

There are endless hours of these sad incidents. I left the Free Clinic before Doctor Bran was to have dinner with Malcom X, his Labrador Retriever.

Please help me save the Free Clinic. If our Looter-Canadians do not have access to the comfort and support of the Clinic, they will turn to crime! Send me your money!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stop Harper

Like most people opposed to the Conservative Party of Stephen Harper, I am trying to make the bad voices in my head stop. Make them stop! It is so hard to sleep now. So, I took advantage of the free therapy offered at the walk in clinic at the Jane-Finch mall, here in Toronto. There, I talked to Doctor Bran M'bunga, a registered anilinguist (animal linguist) and Canine-Canadian rights worker. He is a gentle man, who speaks with the elf-like lilt of the culture of the Khyber Pass Village Peoples.

Bran: When did you last share a meal with your dog? You share your house with your dog ... and why are you not including him in your social activities? Dogs are social fur-persons, and they feel excluded if you do not share with them.

Bran: It is simple. Make up your food in a dog dish, I like to call them a dog-person dish, and then sit on the floor with your Canine-Canadian friend and share a meal. The whole family should pitch in. Sit on the floor and eat with your hands, no utensils. Knives and forks make your dog feel alienated. He cannot use a knife or fork, so if you want to include him and celebrate diversity you should sit on the floor with your dog and eat with your mouth, just like he does. Anything else is insulting and causes teenage dogs to attack people.

Bran: You should share your food from mouth to mouth, just like the dog-people do. Take a peice of meat, some chicken or beef or goat, and let your dog-brother nip it from your mouth. It is good to share drool, too. Now your Canine-Canadian brother will feel included, that you listen to his voice, his woof, and celebrate his culture.

Bran: Dogs speak their own language. I call it Abonic, after my own Apricot Poodle who we called Abo, where Abo was named after the Kwanzaa ritual of sharing the corn cob. You should learn to speak Abonic. If you do not learn Abonic, your dog will hate you. Now you know why he shits on the carpet or pees on the rug ... because you do not eat on the floor with him, or share food out of your mouth, or speak his tongue ... Abonic. When you do not include your dog or celebrate his diversity, well, dogs become violent. Look at all the humans being attacked by dogs. It is not just the vicious killer attack dogs doing all the vicious killer attacks. No, all dogs attack people. You cannot just blame one breed. Besides, it is societies fault, because you do not eat with your dog. You are guilty of war crimes.


Wow. This is excellent advice, thank you Doctor Bran M'Bunga!

Now, you out there. We need more magical thinking from Doctor Bran. And that Harper creature will just cut funding and the magical Doctor Bran will loose his job at the free clinic here at Jane-Finch Mall. He only makes $141,000 a year, and is a bargain at that price. If M'bunga loses his job, there will be an upsurge in youth crime and gun violence in Jane-Finch, I just know it. So, listen to your inner voices and vote Liberal. Let us keep that Bran Magic flowing with the Liberal Party!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Stephen Harper is a Cannibal

I was saying to Prime Minister Paul Martin just the other day, you have to get some serious negative advertising going against the Conservatives or you're dead meat.

This to me though is going way too far over the top. Let's face it, it would be pretty hard to prove that Stephen Harper would actually eat your baby if he was elected. You'd have a hard time convincing the Canadian public that as Prime Minister, Stephen Harper would collect your baby, sit down with a nice bottle of Chianti, and perhaps some fava beans, and eat your baby.

Paul Martin, I say enough is enough. Stop the negative advertising now!