Five Guys In A Limo

In the YouTube clip below, Hollywood voice-over legend Don LaFontaine (who died earlier this week) and 4 of his voice-over pals have a little fun on their way to some awards show I've never heard of.    Lot's fun, and safe for the kids too!

More about Don LaFontaine and his career can be found here.

H\T

Sex And The City Pretty Much Sucks The Fat One

The first review of the Sex And the City movie is out, and it's everything I expected from a movie, and less:

There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen, gift-wrapping each scene with a moral.

There may be a problem with characters who shop with such conviction while the audience looks up from the trough of a credit crunch.

There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film - it can feel like a never ending dinner party.

It sounds like the type of movie where halfway through, I reach into my pocket, pull out my 12" buck knife and slice my own head off.

The guy that reviewed the movie admits that the women in the theatre were weeping and cheering and laughing and possibly masturbating to a picture of me, but that seems slightly unlikely.

Who shouldn't see this movie? Anyone with less than two x chromosomes.

Who should see this movie? Bitter, crusty malcontents that have low social skillz, a thin grasp on reality, and people who say shit like, "You go girl!"

Or, it could be really good

Only 338 Days Till Christmas!

I've already told my brother what we are doing on Christmas night this year:



I'm fairly sure that's Spock doing the voice over. The past couple Star Trek movies have been dissapointing but I have to admit that I'm geared up for this one.

h\t: Loganotron

The Mayor Reviews Movies

A few weeks ago I went into a Wal-Mart in Markham to take a pee, and when I walked into the washroom, there was a Chinese man shaving his face at one of the sinks while his little 4-5 year old son was poking a urinal cake with a plastic sword.

While today's movies aren't as much fun as poking urinal pucks with plastic swords, they are as much fun as shaving your face with Gillette products inside giant department stores.

So, stop grabbing yourself, go grab some popcorn, come back and get ready for the best reviews ever in the history of movie reviews.

Transformers--Robots in disguise. More than meets the eye. Funny, engaging, cool graphics, excellent destruction, kind of stupid plot, but you'll never notice because you'll be right on the edge of your seat going, "holy fuck, that is way cool". See this movie or live your life not experiencing something that is totally awesome.

Pathfinder, Legend of the Ghost Warrior: Starring: A bunch of nobodies. A Norse boy gets left to die by his Viking warrior father on the eastern shores of what I'm guessing is somewhere in North America. He ends up getting raised by Indians (not East Indians, but the waa waa type) who, ironically, his clan originally came to destroy. Buddy's rejected by his own people and not quite accepted by the Indians. Anyway, it all leads to major fight at the end where he proves his worth. Shit description, although the movie rocked. Another must-see (but not as good as Transformers).

Live Free or Die Hard--Bruce Willis--Just think of every Die Hard movie and you pretty much can guess what happens in this one. Take the words *over the edge* and multiply that by 700, and you get Live Free or Die Hard. Worth a look, get drunk or high first.

Chaos--Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe and Wesley Snipes as the Beaver. This wasn't that shitty at all. I can't decide what this is about exactly, but I swear it wasn't bad. It had something to do with a tough cop and his rookie side-kick trying to find out why a bank robber broke into a bank, killed a few cops, but didn't take any money. Ya, that sounds right.

1408--John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson--John Cusack (who is badly dressed, as usual) plays a novelist who investigates the paranormal behavior at, of all places, motels and hotels. Every hotel/motel he has ever stayed at weren't haunted or anything like that, until he stays at the Dolphin Hotel. His stay there is like an LSD trip, which you will undoubtedly know of because you are all a bunch of stoners. You should be ashamed of yourself, what would your sister think? This movie was okay, not good, but okay. The plot was weak, the ending was stupid, the middle part was kind of shit. I take it back, don't see this movie.

So there you have it. There is a good chance I may have saved you alot of money.

The Mayor Reviews Movies

I figured I best be giving you some movie reviews before the weekend starts, I know you hate picking out movies if I haven't given it two thumbs and one other appendage up.

All pirated movies I'm reviewing this week come courtesy of the Chinese mafia of the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, where even the security detail doesn't speak English.

Spiderman 3--Whoever wrote this movie couldn't pick a villain, a good guy, a plot, a beginning or an ending. I'd be surprised if he could pick his own nose. There were mixed reviews for this movie and I myself had mixed reviews. I couldn't decide if this movie was craptastic or shitsational. There were a few decent scenes in Spidey 3, but not enough to save it. I want my superhero's to be strong, tough, a bit of a ladies man, not an effeminate, crying, emotionally laded little puke like Toby McGuire. What a disgrace, everyone involved in this movie should drink all the crap they find under the sink. Blah.

Attack of Gryphon--Two warring kingdoms come together to fight an evil, magical gryphon who is being controlled by an evil sorcerer. Let's put it this way, the two kingdoms were English kingdoms, with many members of said kingdoms speaking with an accent straight out of Greensboro, North Carolina. The movie was about as good as its graphics, which sucked. You would have thought that with todays modern effects, they could have come up with a gryphon that didn't look like a strung out owl made of papier-mache.

Grindhouse--The first movie, Planet Terror, starring Rose McGowan, was terrible. This is basically a zombie flick, but it was just so cheesy and stupid that I had to control myself from picking up the cat, lighting it on fire, hopping on a plane to Hollywood, finding Quintin Tarantino and jamming the cat down his pants.

The second part of Grindhouse, Death Proof, was worse than Planet Terror. You can tell it was a lousy movie week, this was like the poison icing on a brussel sprout cake. Do not, and I repeat, do not rent Grindhouse. Under no condition do you want to sacrifice 4 hours of your life to these agonizing movies.

Dark Corners--Starring Thora Birch (yes, I know, I haven't heard of her either)--A creepy little flick where if you're not sure if the girl is dreaming the nightmare or the nightmare is dreaming the girl. Or something like that. The lines of reality and fantasy are smudged, which made it a fairly decent movie. For $2.75 I say rent it. For $6.00 I'd say pass.

A Dead Calling--Where to start? Nowhere. To give this movie any review is just wasting the blood flow from my fingers. Don't see it, if you ever see it on a Blockbuster shelf, hide it behind another equally terrible movie, like Hook with Robin Williams.

So there you have it, I know that my reviews were weak today, but seeing as what I was working with it's lucky I didn't go vertical on my wrists.

The Mayor Reviews Movies

If I judged how popular each post is by the amount of comments they received, I would have to conclude that, "The Mayor Reviews Movies", is a complete waste. But that's not how things work in real life, often the greatest posts are the ones that get zero comments. Or maybe that's exactly how things work, maybe this segment gets zero comments because it sucks. Either way, I'm still going to eat steak tonight and rip TLDG a new one. That's how I rock, and yes, that's also how I roll.

All the movies I am reviewing tonight are pirated Chinese mafia flicks, purchased at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. Without further ado, let's review:

Disturbia--Starring Shia LaBeouf and Sarah Roemer. Who, you ask? Don't worry about it, they're not important. This LaBeouf character gets put under house arrest and starts to suspect that his neighbour is a serial killer. He figures this out because he had been spying on the naked chick (which is weird cuz he French, so you think he'd be spying on some dude) and notices some suspicious actions going on in his neighbours place. This was actually a pretty decent movie, not particularly scary, but interesting enough. Well worth the $2.75.

Next--Starring Nicholas Cage and Jessica Biel. Nick has the ability to see a few minutes into the future, and for some reason this leads the CIA to believe he can help find and stop a nuclear explosion. And who are the terrorists? Some British guys and a Romanian chick...natch. Yes, 2 minutes is plenty of time to hunt down the weapon, disarm it and capture the bad guys. Oh, and Nick also has time to throw one into Jessica Biel, and sees how she's going to enjoy it before he sullies her. Bitch.

The King Maker--Starring Gary Stretch (???)This is a movie I can't remember a thing about other than I'm pretty sure TLDG gave me a giant hand job about half-way through the movie to kill the boredom and to work on her forearms.

The Contract--With Morgan Freeman and John Cusack. Cusack and son go camping and stumble upon an escaped assassin (Freeman), and they basically capture Freeman and try to take him back into custody. Even though that was a horrible description of the movie, it was still pretty good none-the-less.

Headspace--Starring a couple of unknown rejects. A man who's intellect grows bigger everyday is somehow linked to some deadly murders. In the end it turns out he is or isn't the killer, I'm not sure. Although this movie has some interesting parts, nothing at the end really made any sense. And that bites.

So that does it, five more reviews courtesy of the Chinese mafia douchbags of the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. As I always say, thank the Lord the police are too scared or whatever to actually bust the huge pirated movie ring at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, or my fun would dry up.

The Mayor Reviews Movies

I know most of you have been on pins and needles waiting for another installment of, "The Mayor Reviews Movies", you were probably checking this site every 15 minutes waiting for my most-excellent reviews, scared to go to Blockbuster without my official go ahead. Well, you can relax, I'm here to soothe your sucky fears.

This week I have a few movies that are new, some that are old, some that are shitty and some that are gold, but one thing all my movies have in common is that they are Chinese mafia pirated movies from The Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, where there is no law to speak of.

Blades of Glory starring Will Farrell and Jon Heder is a surprisingly good movie. Two rival figure skaters end up being partners and the hijinx ensues....I guess. I thought that this was going to be one huge pile of steaming crap, but it wasn't. It was just a little pile of steaming crap. Honestly, it looked so stupid, but it actually had its share of good belly laughs...and that's because Will Farrell is effin' hilarious.

Turistas Go Home stars a bunch of nobodies and *who the hell is thats?* An evil Spanish doctor and his evil cohorts (think Fenris on a bender) lure unsuspecting tourists in and harvest their bodies for parts. A lot of hiding, dropping the flashlights, gore, swimming, shit like that...and then the predictable chosen few live, I'm pretty sure. I might actually be mixing this up with another movie, but I'm thinking I'm not. Anyway, I'm nearly positive I didn't hate this movie, although at this point anythings possible.

Curse of the Golden Flower--Starring Chinese people. This is an award winning movie about some Emperor and his family, and their dirty little Chinese secrets causing everyone to cut each other open at the end of the movie in which it can only be described as weird Chinese torture porn. This is one hell of a Chinese soap opera which, on the one hand, is stunningly beautiful, but, on the other hand, shit. Don't see it, order Chinese food instead and watch Hollyweird B Flicks.

Walk the Line--An oldie but a badie starring Joaquin *Hairlip* Phoenix and Reese *Peanut butter cup* Witherspoon in a rather crappy portrayal of Johnny Cash' life. It's a little long, a little on the gushy romantic side, and who new Johnny was such a softy. The end. Actually, TLDG just reminded me that we actually liked this movie.

Severance starring more people you have never heard of, this time though, they're British people you have never heard of. This was a pretty funny movie, I completely enjoyed it. This is another British movie that I thought was worth the $1 I gave to the Chinese mafia. This is about a bunch of colleagues who go on a corporate weekend retreat only to be hunted down and massacred by some commie assholes who treat them with extreme prejudice, kind of like how Rosie O'Donnel treats reason and logic. Go see this movie, or better yet, give the Chinese mafia $1 and you can own it....round-eye.

My thanks go out to the Chinese pirate mafia hoodlums at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario...open until 9 on Saturday and Sunday...AND with no police presence, you can do whatever the hell you like.

The Mayor Reviews Movies

I haven't reviewed any movies in a while, and there is a reason for this: I'm lazy. Sue me, take me to court, but just get the hell off my back. It's not as if The Little Danish Girl and I haven't seen a buttload of flicks, because we have. It all trickles down to laziness. Hehe, trickles.

Well, I'm going to review some movies which are old, some which are borrowed and some that are blue. But one thing all these movies have in common is that they were purchased illegally at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, 7 movies for 20 bucks. Thanks to the Chinese mafia and a lack of decent police work, I have the power to buy brand new, pirated copies of all the bestest movies and give my amazingly amazing reviews to you, my fellow Mitchievillian's.

Does anyone else feel like a big handjob? I sure the hell do, but first I'm going to review a few flicks. Let's get at 'er!

300-If you don't know what this movie is about by now, you should go and light yourself on fire. This is the must-see movie of the year. It is excellent, the fight scenes are choreographed so well and the action is so intense that you will feel invigorated and alive. And then you'll want to find a sword and lop off someones head for shits and giggles. This movie is so good that there isn't a chance in hell it will win an Academy Award. Sorry Academy, no fags or liberals in this flick.

Ghost Rider--Johhny Blaze (Nicholas Cage), sells his soul to save his fathers life. He must do the devils deeds, but refuses and wacky hijinx occurs. Okay, the hijinx part is a load of crap, but the rest is factual. Any time Nicholas Cage's head is on fire, I'll pay good money to see it. This movie got terrible reviews, but I didn't think it was that bad at all. Especially when you compare it to the steamy piles of dog feces that Hollyweird produces on a weekly basis. You'll like it, it's good fun.

Fido--Starring Carrie-Anne Moss and Billy Connolly, as the main zombie guy. This is a Canadian movie, but unlike 99% of other Canadian movies, it isn't completely unwatchable. It has an interesting premise, and is suppose to be a lighthearted zombie movie, but it's not really that lighthearted, and isn't the least bit funny. I can't for the life of me remember why I'm recommending this, there isn't even a decent muff shot or any frontal nudity. If you like zombie movies, and who the hell doesn't, then you might get a kick out of this.

88 Minutes--Al Pacino is the main attraction in this movie in which he has 88 minutes to find out who is trying to kill him. The movie started out really well, we thought it was going to be a great ride. But it wasn't a great ride, unless you consider riding downhill, out of control, eventually smashing your face against a brick wall and having your head caved in great. The plot was good, but the ending is not believable in the least. It would have been better if the killer actual killed Pacino. I'm talking in real life now.

The Woods--Starring a bunch of nobodies. Some chick gets banished to a girls' boarding school for being the little bitch that she is, and the woods surrounding the school are not as friendly as they seem. Eventually this leads to the main broad hacking up a bunch of people with an axe. Yup, I gave it away, but what I wrote was funny, so it stays. See this movie, it's actually worth the $2.75 that I paid the Chinese mafia assholes at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario.

The Mayor Reviews Movies

The Little Danish Girl and I counted up the number of movies we saw last year: 327. Mind you, that may seem like alot, but we only watched about 4 hours of TV. So everything evened its way out, that's the way I roll, even steven.

Since I've seen a poo-hole of movies already this year, I figure I may as well revue a few of them. All reviewed movies are pirated Chinese copies from the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. Seven days a week, thousands of pirated $3 movies to choose from.

Primeval--Starring nobody important. It was either about the political unrest of an African country, or, it was about a giant crocodile that attacked people. Believe it or not, it wasn't too bad. However, it would have been much better if the writer had chosen to pick a topic and stay with it. Buddy, do you want the movie to be about political upheaval and the genocide of Africans, or do you really want it to be about a gigantic croc that eats people? Alas, at the end, the two stories ended up marrying together. As I said, it wasn't too shitty.

Hot Fuzz--From the creator of Shawn of the Dead (a great movie) comes another winner starring two pretty decent and funny actors, Simon Pegg and Nick frost. A London cop (Simon) gets transferred to a sleepy English town where he discovers a murder, then another one, then another one, yet the other coppers were either in on it or too stupid to figure it out. Cool flick, I recommend it. Funny, scary, gross, and a little never ending.

Population 436--Starring Jeremy Sisto (6 Feet Under & 13). A census dude goes to a little American town that has had the same amount of people living in it for at least a hundred years. Guess what the population is? Nice one, Sherlock, you could be a real live detective. Although the movie is interesting, it's quite predictable. It cost us a dollar and was well worth it.

The Hitcher--Starring Sean Bean and Sophia Bush (yummy) and some other shit kicker. Anyway, major disappointment. It's one of those movies where the villain can do virtually anything. These poor bastards can't run, hide, drive, fly, crawl or shit without buddy showing up and killing everyone around them...but not them. I hated this movie, I lost 1.5 hours of my life, and I'll never get them back. I curse the creators of The Hitcher. May they be sent to hell only to have to watch their own movie. **Note to the Director and Creator of this joke of a movie...What's the psychos motive?

Night at the Museum--With Ben Stiller. My hate-on for Ben Stiller dissipated with this movie. Stiller was stellar, and the movie was actually really good. Kids can watch it, adults can watch it, what the hell, even old people can watch it, if they don't have cataracts. The museum comes to life at night due to a magic tablet that Stiller is trying to save from some old people that The Little Danish Girl and I thought were dead in real life. Who knows, maybe they are, maybe they're being operated like Muppets. Sure, the movie sounds gay, but it's actually really good.

The Number 23--Starring Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey becomes obsessed with a book called The Number 23. I was going to list 23 reasons why this movie sucked so hard, but I stopped once I hit 400. During this movie, I fell asleep 23 times, pet the cat 23 times, pet The Little Danish Girl 23 times, and smacked the monkey 4 times. I know, it wasn't 23 times, but I thought you should know what kind of a verile animal I really am.Once again though, it cost hardly anything to purchase from the Chinese mafia folks at the Pacific Mall in China West (Markham), so what the hell. Don't see it, even if it only costs a dollar.

Babel--Starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. Think of the biblical story of the tower of babel, it's all about communication. The movie was broken down into three story lines. Ah, what the hell, you already know this, it's been out for months. Anyway, the movie is worth a watch. Any time Cate Blanchett bites the big one, I'll shell out hard earned dollars to see it. TLDG thinks otherwise, she likes Cate Blanchett, but that might be a secretive lezbo think. YES!

The Mayor Reviews--The Departed

Have you seen The Departed? It stars Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Alec Baldwin, and others. What a cast, how can a movie with so many talented actors be bad? It would be impossible, right? First, let's see what The Departed is all about:

Two men from opposite sides of the law are undercover within the Massachusetts State Police and the Irish mafia, but violence and bloodshed boil when discoveries are made, and the moles are dispatched to find out their enemy's identities.

Martin Scorsese won a Golden Globe for best Director for this movie. The Departed has won 28 various awards and will be nominated in a bunch of different categories come Oscar time.

It must be one hell of a movie, right? Wrong, The Departed is not a good movie. The premise is interesting, but the delivery was second rate and truth be told, boring as hell. Swearing and violence was inserted into the movie for lack of script and creativeness. Kind of like this blog. Basically, If I was to sum this dog up, I would do so like this: Irish guys swearing a blue streak and fighting. If I really wanted to see that I'd invite my cousins over for dinner.

I can't believe all that talent can produce something so startlingly mediocre. Why is this movie talked about like it's the second coming of Christ? Simple, compared to most everything that's out right now, this movie is the shit. It's hard to name 10 good movies over the last year. Take away children's movies and I defy you to name 3. I'm talking good movies, not mediocre ones.

I can't say that this movie is terrible, cuz it isn't. It's just not that good. It's like finding poker on TV at 1am on a Thursday, generally you wouldn't watch it, but what the hell, it's better than infomercials.

Rachel Weisz Drowns in The Fountain

Rachel Weisz' new movie, The Fountain, opened up to less than stellar reviews at the Venice Film Festival:

British movie star Rachel Weisz was stunned when her new movie The Fountain was booed at its premiere at the Venice Film Festival yesterday (04Sep06).

The film, directed by her fiance Darren Aronofsky, left the audience confused and disappointed - even though Weisz insists it is important to have something "different" on screen.

Rachel Weisz would have been smart to follow the old adage that you should never go into business with family or friends. She crossed that line and now she's stuck defending a sub-par movie by saying things like *it's important to have something different*. If by different Rachel really meant *shit*, then she accomplished her goal.

Rachel Weisz' fiance, Darren Aronofsky, better be hung like a horse and able to breathe out his ears, because every time from this day forward when he mounts this delicious specimen, Rachel won't be thinking, "Take me you award-winning steed", she'll be thinking, "Damn, I should have done Porkys IIII instead".

Drown in The Fountain

*The Break Up* is a Terrible Movie

At least so says everyone who has a neck:

Misleadingly marketed as a boisterous comedy, "The Break-Up" may be the first "last-date movie" -- the one you see with someone that you're about to dump. Sporadic rays of sunshine emanate from the broad and gifted supporting cast, but the core story is almost relentlessly unpleasant, like sitting through a dinner party where the host couple does nothing but bicker. Pic's built-in curiosity about the onscreen Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston pairing should quickly dissipate faster than one of Vaughn's rat-a-tat riffs as word of mouth spreads.

It seems as if, on the scale of bad reviews, "The Break Up" is getting slightly better reviews than "Vern Has Sex With a Young Male Chinese Hooker", but only slightly better.

However, I can't blame Vern for those lousy reviews, he wasn't even in the movie, he was being played by a robot Vern. A pirate robot Vern. A Fwench robot pirate Vern.

Jennifer Aniston knows how to pick 'em

Movie Review #2

It's a slow news day, so this is what you get, crappy reviews about crappy movies...ho hum.

The little Danish girl and I saw The Constant Gardener last night. I read The Constant Gardener about 4 months ago and I thought it wasn't half bad, I thought John Le Carre did a pretty decent job writing it, so I thought there was a chance that the movie might be okay. I was so wrong it hurts.

Another unwatchable Hollyweird piece of shit. It's about some dudes activist (bitch) wife who is found murdered somewhere in Kenya. Buddy guy goes and tries to find out who murdered her, only to find a sinister conspiracy more far reaching than he could ever imagine. Sounds cool, eh? Well it isn't, it isn't cool at all.

Ralph Fiennes is in it, I thought he was great in Red Dragon, but this isn't Red Dragon, it's The Constant Gardener, and Ralph is boring as shit in it. Everyone sucked, but the person who pissed me off the most was Rachel Weisz. What a complete douchebag, God I hate her now. She played, as I said earlier, an activist. Activists are NOT cool, they never have been and they never will be. Activists are annoying head-cases who need to have hockey pucks slapped at their stupid, whiney heads. Rachel is no exception, she grates on the nerves to the point where I found myself writing her name on a piece of paper then ripping the paper up into millions of pieces. Go to hell, Rachel.

We ended up turning the movie off and engaging in sex (with each other). We pretended to be the actors/actresses from The Constant Gardener. I was Ralph Fiennes, so I was completely useless and boring in bed, while the little Danish girl was Rachel Weisz, an annoying, aggravating little piece of shit that I pounded really hard only because I thought it would cause her great pain and discomfort.

You should try that game, it's alot of fun.

Anyway, to sum up The Constant Gardener, don't rent it. If you see it on the shelf, hide it under a copy of The Krunks, cuz no one deserves to be tortured by watching outrageously terrible cinema, no one.

Let's put it this way: The Constant Gardener was so bad that I gave up gardening after watching it.

Batman Reviewed

As Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in N.E. Durham Region, Ontario, I don't get a chance to go out and see very many movies in the theatre, the affairs of Mitchieville are all consuming. If there's a movie I really want to see, I just wait for someone to videotape the flick at the Googaplex and give me an illegal burned copy.

I do want to see the new Batman movie though. I've read all the reviews, and from what I hear, it sounds pretty good. The only person who didn't seem to like the movie is film critic, Liam Lacey at The Globe and Mail , or as I'm now starting to refer to the paper as, The Glob and Pail.

Liam whines and complains about this and that and the other, typical whiney film critic crap, but then he comes up with this sparkling gem of film critic brilliance...

Genuine opportunities to explore a political context -- the obvious post-Sept. 11 references to white powder, terrorist attacks and the political manipulation of fear -- are wasted.

Say what? Huh? Come again? This is Batman we're talking about here, not Fahrenheit 9/11. The majority of Batman fans are children, do you really think they want to watch a movie that explores the political context of terrorism? Liam, did you fall down and bump your head?

Tell me, how the hell does a *film critic*, as if that's a real job in the first place, suddenly turn into a political analyst? Do we really need in-depth political opinions from a guy that usually writes "it made me laugh, it made me cry, three out of five stars"? Stick to stuffing your face with *real buttery popcorn* and soda and critiquing wardrobe like you're suppose to do, no-one in God's green earth cares about anything you have to say other than Katie Holmes is hot, which she is, burning sun-dripping hot.

Does anyone really go to a Batman movie hoping that it explores the political ramifications of American foreign policy? Of course not, we go there to see Batman kick some evil guy in the nuts. And to see Katie Holmes, have I mentioned how hot she is?

Hollyweirdo's and their ilk like to pretend that they're *deep*, like they know what they're talking about. I'm here to tell you, I'd rather talk politics with the guy that strolls up and down my street in the ice cream truck. At least the ice cream guy has a real job.

I suppose it's time to rate Liams *Glob and Pail* article. I give it two thumbs down, and one middle finger up.

H/T to Bumf Online.

Kingdom of Heaven

Just got in from seeing the Orlando Bloom flick, Kingdom of Heaven.

I will be seeing this movie again.

Mind you, those boneheads they call movie reviewers need to read some history. I read all the reviews on the movies before making a selection, and those guys were way off the mark. They completely missed the point entirely. It makes me laugh.

The movie is thick with masonic and mormon imagery, which seems to have completely sailed by the politically correct reviewers. Give me a break ... the widows son, here a blacksmith, is taken by his long lost father (its called an analogy, any over priced movie reviewer selected for his genderbender qualities and ethnicity should know these things to be competent, but then again, competence is not important ... sucking the bosses dick and complementing his choice of corset and having the right skin shade to match his shoes is i guess) to protect the people of Jerusalem.

He even gets tempted, right out of the tempation of Solomon (or Jason, or Paris). But then again, I actually went to my lectures in Classical History and did not go to the acid mushroom orgies that were politically correct, so I know this stuff.

Anyway, I liked the movie, and the reviewers are bunged. Go eat some prunes you politcally correct tapeworms.

I dont have to explain this, do I?

Fenris

Movie Review

I know there are a lot of blogs out there that review movie's. I also know that a lot of newspapers and T.V shows review movies too. I didn't want my blog to be a personal journal or a site that reviews movies, that just isn't my style. However, sometimes a movie will come along where I just have to review it, for the sake of my readership (population 29). White Noise is just that movie.

I saw White Noise last night at the local theatre in Mitchieville. Generally I don't like to go out to movies. I find the theatres usually smell like feet, and I hate the long line ups at the concession stands. I'm also not a big fan of crowded theatres or screaming kids. But I sucked it up and checked out White Noise.

Firstly, before I review White Noise, I would like to commend the Genius at Cineplex Odeon for putting on the air conditioning inside the theatre. Although it was -32 out last night, the decision to put the air conditioning on was a smart one. I think I can speak for all 180 people who saw the movie last night by saying, thank you, we love to wear our jackets and hats and gloves while viewing a movie indoors, you made last night special for all of us.

Here is my review of White Noise, starring Michael Keaton.

White Noise sucks.