The Mayor Reviews Movies

I know most of you have been on pins and needles waiting for another installment of, "The Mayor Reviews Movies", you were probably checking this site every 15 minutes waiting for my most-excellent reviews, scared to go to Blockbuster without my official go ahead. Well, you can relax, I'm here to soothe your sucky fears.

This week I have a few movies that are new, some that are old, some that are shitty and some that are gold, but one thing all my movies have in common is that they are Chinese mafia pirated movies from The Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, where there is no law to speak of.

Blades of Glory starring Will Farrell and Jon Heder is a surprisingly good movie. Two rival figure skaters end up being partners and the hijinx ensues....I guess. I thought that this was going to be one huge pile of steaming crap, but it wasn't. It was just a little pile of steaming crap. Honestly, it looked so stupid, but it actually had its share of good belly laughs...and that's because Will Farrell is effin' hilarious.

Turistas Go Home stars a bunch of nobodies and *who the hell is thats?* An evil Spanish doctor and his evil cohorts (think Fenris on a bender) lure unsuspecting tourists in and harvest their bodies for parts. A lot of hiding, dropping the flashlights, gore, swimming, shit like that...and then the predictable chosen few live, I'm pretty sure. I might actually be mixing this up with another movie, but I'm thinking I'm not. Anyway, I'm nearly positive I didn't hate this movie, although at this point anythings possible.

Curse of the Golden Flower--Starring Chinese people. This is an award winning movie about some Emperor and his family, and their dirty little Chinese secrets causing everyone to cut each other open at the end of the movie in which it can only be described as weird Chinese torture porn. This is one hell of a Chinese soap opera which, on the one hand, is stunningly beautiful, but, on the other hand, shit. Don't see it, order Chinese food instead and watch Hollyweird B Flicks.

Walk the Line--An oldie but a badie starring Joaquin *Hairlip* Phoenix and Reese *Peanut butter cup* Witherspoon in a rather crappy portrayal of Johnny Cash' life. It's a little long, a little on the gushy romantic side, and who new Johnny was such a softy. The end. Actually, TLDG just reminded me that we actually liked this movie.

Severance starring more people you have never heard of, this time though, they're British people you have never heard of. This was a pretty funny movie, I completely enjoyed it. This is another British movie that I thought was worth the $1 I gave to the Chinese mafia. This is about a bunch of colleagues who go on a corporate weekend retreat only to be hunted down and massacred by some commie assholes who treat them with extreme prejudice, kind of like how Rosie O'Donnel treats reason and logic. Go see this movie, or better yet, give the Chinese mafia $1 and you can own it....round-eye.

My thanks go out to the Chinese pirate mafia hoodlums at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario...open until 9 on Saturday and Sunday...AND with no police presence, you can do whatever the hell you like.