The Mayor Reviews Movies
The Little Danish Girl and I counted up the number of movies we saw last year: 327. Mind you, that may seem like alot, but we only watched about 4 hours of TV. So everything evened its way out, that's the way I roll, even steven.
Since I've seen a poo-hole of movies already this year, I figure I may as well revue a few of them. All reviewed movies are pirated Chinese copies from the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. Seven days a week, thousands of pirated $3 movies to choose from.
Primeval--Starring nobody important. It was either about the political unrest of an African country, or, it was about a giant crocodile that attacked people. Believe it or not, it wasn't too bad. However, it would have been much better if the writer had chosen to pick a topic and stay with it. Buddy, do you want the movie to be about political upheaval and the genocide of Africans, or do you really want it to be about a gigantic croc that eats people? Alas, at the end, the two stories ended up marrying together. As I said, it wasn't too shitty.
Hot Fuzz--From the creator of Shawn of the Dead (a great movie) comes another winner starring two pretty decent and funny actors, Simon Pegg and Nick frost. A London cop (Simon) gets transferred to a sleepy English town where he discovers a murder, then another one, then another one, yet the other coppers were either in on it or too stupid to figure it out. Cool flick, I recommend it. Funny, scary, gross, and a little never ending.
Population 436--Starring Jeremy Sisto (6 Feet Under & 13). A census dude goes to a little American town that has had the same amount of people living in it for at least a hundred years. Guess what the population is? Nice one, Sherlock, you could be a real live detective. Although the movie is interesting, it's quite predictable. It cost us a dollar and was well worth it.
The Hitcher--Starring Sean Bean and Sophia Bush (yummy) and some other shit kicker. Anyway, major disappointment. It's one of those movies where the villain can do virtually anything. These poor bastards can't run, hide, drive, fly, crawl or shit without buddy showing up and killing everyone around them...but not them. I hated this movie, I lost 1.5 hours of my life, and I'll never get them back. I curse the creators of The Hitcher. May they be sent to hell only to have to watch their own movie. **Note to the Director and Creator of this joke of a movie...What's the psychos motive?
Night at the Museum--With Ben Stiller. My hate-on for Ben Stiller dissipated with this movie. Stiller was stellar, and the movie was actually really good. Kids can watch it, adults can watch it, what the hell, even old people can watch it, if they don't have cataracts. The museum comes to life at night due to a magic tablet that Stiller is trying to save from some old people that The Little Danish Girl and I thought were dead in real life. Who knows, maybe they are, maybe they're being operated like Muppets. Sure, the movie sounds gay, but it's actually really good.
The Number 23--Starring Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey becomes obsessed with a book called The Number 23. I was going to list 23 reasons why this movie sucked so hard, but I stopped once I hit 400. During this movie, I fell asleep 23 times, pet the cat 23 times, pet The Little Danish Girl 23 times, and smacked the monkey 4 times. I know, it wasn't 23 times, but I thought you should know what kind of a verile animal I really am.Once again though, it cost hardly anything to purchase from the Chinese mafia folks at the Pacific Mall in China West (Markham), so what the hell. Don't see it, even if it only costs a dollar.
Babel--Starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. Think of the biblical story of the tower of babel, it's all about communication. The movie was broken down into three story lines. Ah, what the hell, you already know this, it's been out for months. Anyway, the movie is worth a watch. Any time Cate Blanchett bites the big one, I'll shell out hard earned dollars to see it. TLDG thinks otherwise, she likes Cate Blanchett, but that might be a secretive lezbo think. YES!
Since I've seen a poo-hole of movies already this year, I figure I may as well revue a few of them. All reviewed movies are pirated Chinese copies from the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. Seven days a week, thousands of pirated $3 movies to choose from.
Primeval--Starring nobody important. It was either about the political unrest of an African country, or, it was about a giant crocodile that attacked people. Believe it or not, it wasn't too bad. However, it would have been much better if the writer had chosen to pick a topic and stay with it. Buddy, do you want the movie to be about political upheaval and the genocide of Africans, or do you really want it to be about a gigantic croc that eats people? Alas, at the end, the two stories ended up marrying together. As I said, it wasn't too shitty.
Hot Fuzz--From the creator of Shawn of the Dead (a great movie) comes another winner starring two pretty decent and funny actors, Simon Pegg and Nick frost. A London cop (Simon) gets transferred to a sleepy English town where he discovers a murder, then another one, then another one, yet the other coppers were either in on it or too stupid to figure it out. Cool flick, I recommend it. Funny, scary, gross, and a little never ending.
Population 436--Starring Jeremy Sisto (6 Feet Under & 13). A census dude goes to a little American town that has had the same amount of people living in it for at least a hundred years. Guess what the population is? Nice one, Sherlock, you could be a real live detective. Although the movie is interesting, it's quite predictable. It cost us a dollar and was well worth it.
The Hitcher--Starring Sean Bean and Sophia Bush (yummy) and some other shit kicker. Anyway, major disappointment. It's one of those movies where the villain can do virtually anything. These poor bastards can't run, hide, drive, fly, crawl or shit without buddy showing up and killing everyone around them...but not them. I hated this movie, I lost 1.5 hours of my life, and I'll never get them back. I curse the creators of The Hitcher. May they be sent to hell only to have to watch their own movie. **Note to the Director and Creator of this joke of a movie...What's the psychos motive?
Night at the Museum--With Ben Stiller. My hate-on for Ben Stiller dissipated with this movie. Stiller was stellar, and the movie was actually really good. Kids can watch it, adults can watch it, what the hell, even old people can watch it, if they don't have cataracts. The museum comes to life at night due to a magic tablet that Stiller is trying to save from some old people that The Little Danish Girl and I thought were dead in real life. Who knows, maybe they are, maybe they're being operated like Muppets. Sure, the movie sounds gay, but it's actually really good.
The Number 23--Starring Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey becomes obsessed with a book called The Number 23. I was going to list 23 reasons why this movie sucked so hard, but I stopped once I hit 400. During this movie, I fell asleep 23 times, pet the cat 23 times, pet The Little Danish Girl 23 times, and smacked the monkey 4 times. I know, it wasn't 23 times, but I thought you should know what kind of a verile animal I really am.Once again though, it cost hardly anything to purchase from the Chinese mafia folks at the Pacific Mall in China West (Markham), so what the hell. Don't see it, even if it only costs a dollar.
Babel--Starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. Think of the biblical story of the tower of babel, it's all about communication. The movie was broken down into three story lines. Ah, what the hell, you already know this, it's been out for months. Anyway, the movie is worth a watch. Any time Cate Blanchett bites the big one, I'll shell out hard earned dollars to see it. TLDG thinks otherwise, she likes Cate Blanchett, but that might be a secretive lezbo think. YES!
Labels: Movie Reviews
posted by The Mayor at 8:15 PM
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