The Mayor Reviews Movies

A few weeks ago I went into a Wal-Mart in Markham to take a pee, and when I walked into the washroom, there was a Chinese man shaving his face at one of the sinks while his little 4-5 year old son was poking a urinal cake with a plastic sword.

While today's movies aren't as much fun as poking urinal pucks with plastic swords, they are as much fun as shaving your face with Gillette products inside giant department stores.

So, stop grabbing yourself, go grab some popcorn, come back and get ready for the best reviews ever in the history of movie reviews.

Transformers--Robots in disguise. More than meets the eye. Funny, engaging, cool graphics, excellent destruction, kind of stupid plot, but you'll never notice because you'll be right on the edge of your seat going, "holy fuck, that is way cool". See this movie or live your life not experiencing something that is totally awesome.

Pathfinder, Legend of the Ghost Warrior: Starring: A bunch of nobodies. A Norse boy gets left to die by his Viking warrior father on the eastern shores of what I'm guessing is somewhere in North America. He ends up getting raised by Indians (not East Indians, but the waa waa type) who, ironically, his clan originally came to destroy. Buddy's rejected by his own people and not quite accepted by the Indians. Anyway, it all leads to major fight at the end where he proves his worth. Shit description, although the movie rocked. Another must-see (but not as good as Transformers).

Live Free or Die Hard--Bruce Willis--Just think of every Die Hard movie and you pretty much can guess what happens in this one. Take the words *over the edge* and multiply that by 700, and you get Live Free or Die Hard. Worth a look, get drunk or high first.

Chaos--Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe and Wesley Snipes as the Beaver. This wasn't that shitty at all. I can't decide what this is about exactly, but I swear it wasn't bad. It had something to do with a tough cop and his rookie side-kick trying to find out why a bank robber broke into a bank, killed a few cops, but didn't take any money. Ya, that sounds right.

1408--John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson--John Cusack (who is badly dressed, as usual) plays a novelist who investigates the paranormal behavior at, of all places, motels and hotels. Every hotel/motel he has ever stayed at weren't haunted or anything like that, until he stays at the Dolphin Hotel. His stay there is like an LSD trip, which you will undoubtedly know of because you are all a bunch of stoners. You should be ashamed of yourself, what would your sister think? This movie was okay, not good, but okay. The plot was weak, the ending was stupid, the middle part was kind of shit. I take it back, don't see this movie.

So there you have it. There is a good chance I may have saved you alot of money.