The Mayor Reviews Movies

I figured I best be giving you some movie reviews before the weekend starts, I know you hate picking out movies if I haven't given it two thumbs and one other appendage up.

All pirated movies I'm reviewing this week come courtesy of the Chinese mafia of the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, where even the security detail doesn't speak English.

Spiderman 3--Whoever wrote this movie couldn't pick a villain, a good guy, a plot, a beginning or an ending. I'd be surprised if he could pick his own nose. There were mixed reviews for this movie and I myself had mixed reviews. I couldn't decide if this movie was craptastic or shitsational. There were a few decent scenes in Spidey 3, but not enough to save it. I want my superhero's to be strong, tough, a bit of a ladies man, not an effeminate, crying, emotionally laded little puke like Toby McGuire. What a disgrace, everyone involved in this movie should drink all the crap they find under the sink. Blah.

Attack of Gryphon--Two warring kingdoms come together to fight an evil, magical gryphon who is being controlled by an evil sorcerer. Let's put it this way, the two kingdoms were English kingdoms, with many members of said kingdoms speaking with an accent straight out of Greensboro, North Carolina. The movie was about as good as its graphics, which sucked. You would have thought that with todays modern effects, they could have come up with a gryphon that didn't look like a strung out owl made of papier-mache.

Grindhouse--The first movie, Planet Terror, starring Rose McGowan, was terrible. This is basically a zombie flick, but it was just so cheesy and stupid that I had to control myself from picking up the cat, lighting it on fire, hopping on a plane to Hollywood, finding Quintin Tarantino and jamming the cat down his pants.

The second part of Grindhouse, Death Proof, was worse than Planet Terror. You can tell it was a lousy movie week, this was like the poison icing on a brussel sprout cake. Do not, and I repeat, do not rent Grindhouse. Under no condition do you want to sacrifice 4 hours of your life to these agonizing movies.

Dark Corners--Starring Thora Birch (yes, I know, I haven't heard of her either)--A creepy little flick where if you're not sure if the girl is dreaming the nightmare or the nightmare is dreaming the girl. Or something like that. The lines of reality and fantasy are smudged, which made it a fairly decent movie. For $2.75 I say rent it. For $6.00 I'd say pass.

A Dead Calling--Where to start? Nowhere. To give this movie any review is just wasting the blood flow from my fingers. Don't see it, if you ever see it on a Blockbuster shelf, hide it behind another equally terrible movie, like Hook with Robin Williams.

So there you have it, I know that my reviews were weak today, but seeing as what I was working with it's lucky I didn't go vertical on my wrists.