Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2008

Ultimately, the transit of the Sun through its own sign, Leo, is a glorious experience. There are many who squirm under the light, but they are insects. Enjoy the festivities of the week. And, to improve your luck and fortune, always attend any birthday party for your Leo friends.

Aries: Your position as number two in several important undertakings allows you to do what you do best: be the best. Only if you are subordiante to some Leo are you in an actual subordiante position. Your mind is working well. Write down your ideas for implementation later.

Taurus: This is an awkward week. The new crop of tasty foodstuffs is not quite ready, and the stuff in storage is picked over and a little tired. This is a challenge to your genius, and a temptation to your tendency to weight gain. Explore new combinations of old favourites.

Gemini: Catching someone in a lie is never pleasant for those who are caught by you. This week, defer their suffering for a while so that they can suffer more. As well, establish a position in the stock markets with your usual investment broker.

Cancer: All around you, the crops are growing with full vigour of the life force. Seek out babies, puppies, and kittens. Even new born snakes will bring you happiness and good fortune. And attend any birthday party and you will start a new romance.

Leo: I have said this before, but this week it happens again: crying babies will fall silent and turn to smiles in your presence. Additionally, traffic will clear from your path and parking spots will open up for your convenience.

Virgo: Insects rise up in rebellion against your world view. You will be opposed by some species of insignifigant animal. With Saturn supporting you, crush them. Save the chemical detergents and insecticides for a more leisurely occasion.

Libra: Your new lover, a Leo if you were born in the day, an Aquarius if you were born at night, will be the star of a social event which you will host on this coming weekend. Be on your best behavior, which is your base font, anyway. And do something about your shoes.

Scorpio: Nothing much this week to cause you irritation this week. Someone else gets buried in the anthill, but it is neither someone you care for, nor hate. Just shrug it off. This would be a good week to gather armaments for your planned ambush later this month.

Sagittarius: Pluto retrograde is still making up down and down up. Irritating people are doing the wrong thing for the right reason, and the right thing for the wrong reason. Your best course is to retire and read some improving book. Might I suggest Thomas Paine? And get a new battery for your watch.

Capricorn: Jupiter continues to drench you in luck, but the happy events are starting to concern even you. Your hand is inky from deposits into your many accounts. But the fortune that goes to those who have pushed themselves into the right position at the right time (that is, you) is beginning to have you calculate the probability of misfortune. Oh, bosh!

Aquarius: Either dance naked in the sunlight, or rob a gas station. Or just do the spiritual equivalent using tarot and a ritual from a cheap horoscope book. Here is a trick: make a pyramid from cardboard or paper and paint it yellow. Adorn it with the glyphs for the sun, using red. Place this under your chair when you eat. Give it a try!

Pisces: A blazing force will move through your life starting this week, with its influence ending two weeks hence. Saturday will see you receive acheive nirvana, or you could stub your toe. As ideas pour into your head, you might do injury to your feet. You are in rebellion against that which is holding you back, so seek the out forests, fields, and uncut lawns rather than the ocean. You will find what you are looking for.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2008

The sun completes its stay in Cancer this week, transforming from cardinal water into the fixed fire of Leo. This happens on Wednesday. And when this happens, note where the moon is transiting ... which sets the tone. The mixture is noted for remote viewing and automatic handwriting. If you choose, you may experience any of a number of psychic phenomena this week.

Aries: Pay attention when you return to your place of work and find that some work has been done and you have no recollection of doing it. Lucky Aries, the helpful spirits are doing your work for you this week.

Taurus: A succubus will come to you this week. The raw sexual attraction will tickle your socks. Your legendary prowess in the arts of pleasure will be reflected back, and for once, it will be you, Taurus, who lies in a sweaty lump, slaked and spent.

Gemini: In a book that is most familiar to you, you will find a treasure map. There will be two pages. It will be written on aged paper, and parts are in code. If you were born at night, you will enjoy the solving of the mystery far more than the treasure. If you were born during the day, the treasure will please you most.

Cancer: Take off your clothes and dance naked in the beams of the sun. Do this before Wednesday noon. You will receive a delayed communication about an ongoing interest of yours, and a most welcome gift of sweets!

Leo: Things are moving forward for you on several fronts, but you will feel impatient. The peasants are slow to process the paperwork. Your good luck becomes fantastic after noon on Wednesday. Keep your 'I won the lottery' shoes polished.

Virgo: Only your sign could appreciate the field modifications needed to turn internal corporate documents into an Ouiji board. And only you can appreciate the use of being able to communicate with the dead in matters of pension eligibility, vacation planning, and travel tips.

Libra: Twice this week you will find that your gas tank has been filled by mysterious forces. At least once before noon on Wednesday, and once after Wednesday. Pay attention to the radio, as it can be tuned to listen to the future.

Scorpio: If you conceive a child during a thunderstorm, well, you know what will happen. You will find a strange piece of metal in your back yard which is some debris from a crashed UFO. You can use it to win at cribbage.

Sagittarius: Move forward your plans to rob the bank to this week. The manager will be sleepy from the dozen apple fritters you so generously placed in the staff fridge. Do not hurt your back hefting the bags of money.

Capricorn: Utilize that classic Capricorn management method and allow your enemies to destroy themselves while you watch. You will learn something new every day, which may sting your fingers, but will fill your purse.

Aquarius: You are being watched. An entity wishes to borrow your body for some nocturnal adventures. This explains why you wake up tired, with your clothes worn, and a strange lover in your bed. Your partner and your new lover will fight over the toaster.

Pisces: The fog is strongest in the strongest sunlight. Someone has placed a spell on you. Infact, at least three spells from one wizard, or one spell each from three wizards. Turn your hand to automatic handwriting, or, automatic handwriting will happen and you should pay attention to what you have written.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2008

To the ancients, the Crab represented the bounty of the oceans. This meant food for the belly. To the prophets, food was a symbol of the god stuff needed for the nourishment of the soul. Cancerians have access to both, all the time. And during this time of year, you do too. Get your fork! This week also sees the full moon ... which means Full Moon in Capricorn. Your plans come to harvest, and with Capricorn, money, power, and control are involved.

Aries The irksome opposition of Sun and Moon occurs on Friday, so expect your week to see a dizzying combination of mud encrusted peasants and dullard aristocrats involved in blocking your forward movement. The commute home friday will be the worst. There will be too many witnesses for you to use that neat weapon you looted from a crashed UFO

Taurus What a great week! Everybody loves you more and more, starting on Wednesday, and climaxing on Friday. Try to have sex in public on Friday, too. Either way, you will be watched in your love making on that day. Food preparation will go well as well, try something daring between orgasms.

Gemini Your interest in something related to your glorious departed ancestors will be stimulated with the arrival of fresh information. If you were born during daylight, and you receive a military relic, it will still be loaded and functioning ... a good excuse to shoot the boss, professor, or untenured lecturer in the right knee or right foot. If you were born during the night, expect a shipment of letters.

Cancer German military march music has a strange appeal for you this week. Maybe the little people should shift their arses a little faster if they know what is coming down the pipe, eh what? Take the time to wallow in the success of your latest project and maybe force someone else to polish your shoes.

Leo Your recent adventures dealing with idiots gives you fresh insights into the reasonable expectations and lifestyle of the medieval inquisitor. Perhaps they weren't so bad after all, considering what they had to work with. Did you know that it takes a full cord of wood per person per auto de fe?

Virgo You push the limits of drunken debauchery to a new level of decadence that will bring you to the attention of a space alien searching for superior body parts. Indeed, your invincible liver has market value only a few xillion light years from here. Do not drink anything that is green and fizzy.

Libra One of the lesser lumpenproletariat whom you have invited to one of your legendary social events will make an ass of themselves. It could be drinking beer out of a shoe, or knocking over the cat litter, or just experimenting with homosexual sex on the bed where the coats are being kept. You are the Achilles of entertainers; alas, you must deal with the Greeks and Trojans.

Scorpio Success will rain upon your head this week, even if it does rain on your car. Something big happens friday. You might not know what for a few days afterwards. Oh, do keep up on the laundry.

Sagittarius The full moon in the sign after yours means that a secret rival of yours will reveal themselves, but they will not know that you know. Neat, eh? You know what to do. Good luck is associated with the metal silver.

Capricorn That door you walk through is really a portal to another dimension in space and time. All that is missing is your memory of where the door is to get back. Try to bring back some valuables this time.

Aquarius Something is going on behind your back involving large numbers of people. Being left out is not something that you expect, but it is going on. Inconsiderate fatherless mutants! Otherwise, work related issues are highlighted: expect some sort of communication this week. And you will be a star at your big presentation, too.

Pisces Planning a bank robbery is the focus of your attention this week. Pay attention to matters of disguise and distraction. You get to secretly observe others for a change. Enjoy the moment.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2008

The sun moving over the powerful midpoint of the sign Cancer bodes good and ill for all those driven by subconscious urges, subliminal lusts, and inspiration from the realms of infinite knowledge. Cancer is the first water sign in the journey of the Sun: quite literally the ocean from whence springs the various gods of the afterlife, of wisdom, of power, and of pleasure. During this time, all may drink from these waters that Cancer has access to all year long. Enjoy!

Aries Take a moment to retire to your inner sanctum and cast your gaze upon the lesser trophies of your earlier days: the shrunken heads, the bong make from a skull, the collections of underwear. As you withdraw from people, prepare yourself for your greater triumphs, the seeds of which are planted this week.

Taurus Your raw sex appeal is magnified by the loss of a mere two pounds. The Universe wants its pound of flesh, though: you will be tempted with a diversity of fatty foods. Be strong! Defer one temptation into another. Better to be rubbed down in scented butter than to eat it. Maybe. You choose, Taurus.

Gemini Be alert for people sleeping while driving. Laying on the horn, a gentle tap from your bumper, even a rock pitched at their windscreen will not wake them from their slumber. Shrug and drive around the burning wreckage, Gemini. Oh, try to accentuate your look with a yellow themed accessory.

Cancer You are master of the universe this week. Parking spots appear for your ease and comfort, money floats on the air to land at your feet, the toilet seat will always be warm. Bless those around you with gifts of fattening food, reawaken others addictions to cigarettes, and feed the seagulls.

Leo An excellent opportunity awaits you: show the universe that you are ready by dancing naked throughout your house. Have a long hot shower, even if those that follow have to shower in the cold. Force someone to polish your shoes.

Virgo A relaxing week for you ... even if you are busy with paid overtime, special projects, and just enjoying life. Watch your rivals and enemies destroy themselves with a smile on your lips and a frosty beverage in your hands. Being a Roman Emperor at the Games never felt so good!

Libra The gurgling emotions of others do lead to challenges to your legendary and infinte poise and grace. The entertainments you provide this week are going to be the stuff of legend ... poets would write poems about it, except the real poets do not get university positions. Oh well. Add some names to your arrest list while you are finishing off the invitation list.

Scorpio You are dipped in happiness. It is a fascinating experience, is it not? Too bad others do not seek out such perfection. Your constant choice of wisdom over power, wealth, or lust, has bourne fruit. Oh, and avoid left turns if you can: they are unlucky.

Sagittarius Something a little odd is going on. Be cautious and keep to yourself until, well, next week. This is a long term trend, and I advise a long term committment to caution until things change over in September. By November you will win the lottery, so everything will make sense then.

Capricorn Your saving card is your grim will and iron determination. As a champion of the 'Bomb Hanoi' school of foreign relations, you will be out of favour if you are unwise enough to speak your mind. Stick with subterfuge. Have sex with the boss. Everyone who has a shoe fetish will worship you as a sex god.

Aquarius You will meet someone whose opinions will make you pause and reconsider your own positions. You are on the threshold of being dipped in happiness. Avoid left turns. Buy a new pair of shoes. You will have an insightful dream on Thursday.

Pisces While this week you are supported by the Sun, the gifts of that orb will be brought to your feet (literally) by subconscious forces. With your mind working on the rational plane, it is a little irksome. Find a new place where coffee is drunk and chess is played and social outcasts frequent. Enslave them to your will.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2008

Lucky are you who can claim to be celebrating a birthday on this day of April 20, 2008. For this is the day when the pagans would celebrate with beer and cakes the holiday in honour of the Isis of the North, Freya of the Saxons, and Astarte of the Romans. Those who celebrate anyone’s birthday on this day will also share in the bounty of the good favour of this powerful goddess of Fertility, Plenty, and Prosperity.


Aries: The war ends with you holding the bag of loot. Yes, nice shiny golden coins, bars, and ingots. It will be heavy, and the distance you have to row to get to Kingston, Jamaica is a few miles. But because you are you, Aries, they have made your burden gentle and filled with glory. The beach front is filled with drunken tourists from Omsk, Tokyo, and Winnipeg. You will find a five star suite and can start your life of luxury fast.

The war god sends his surviving troops home, laden with riches and plunder.

Taurus: You are in charge now. This is your week to strike and consolidate your grip on power. Have your arrest list ready for the midnight shift for use by the Secret Police. Make big plans for your garden. Celebrate by dancing naked at least once in some public place. Admire how beautiful the sunset is to anyone you wish to seduce this week.

All Taurus born can claim an extra cosmic privilege token for buying new shoes any time this week.

Gemini: The traditional role of Gemini in the Isis-Freya story is that of clever bartender or serving wench, who gets the treasure map. Look for your filched opportunities this week, Gemini! The great boxer Ajax was a famous Gemini. Go slug someone in the chops.

Clever Gemini stays clear of those big hooves of whatever Taurus is stamping about.

Cancer: This is your week to explore underground places. Bonus points for seeking out a tomb or graveyard. You will take the side of soldiers in a civil war. Be alert for places to park your car in the event of an air strike and you have to go into one of the deep shelters. Accept gifts of silver.

Days of good news from the front means lots of entertaining … and soon Cancer’s busy hands get sore from dishing out all that potato salad to the throng.

Leo: The reborn fertility goddesses dance in the sun lit places so loved by Leo, the King of the Zodiac. Your world will be visited by Persephone, beloved daughter of Ceres the goddess of Plenty. She tends to dress goth, and likes to drug people. Expect to be seduced. And each time this happens, buy shoes, this week.

Leo, the lifeguard at the infinite beach that stretches along the east shore of Elysium.

Virgo: Your trouble shooting skills will prove useful if you are trapped aboard an experimental submarine trapped in an ocean trench off Hawaii. Invest in companies that will profit from war and exploitation of natural resources. Your financial scheme must run for twenty days. On the twenty first day, leave town.

Explore the carpetbagger lifestyle.

Libra: That fetish that you sublimate into your work and commuting will draw no unwanted attention this week. A large sum of money will find its way into your possession. An unattended pot will boil over. When you slug a miscreant in the wind pipe, they will realize their mistake.

The Goddesses of Plenty and Prosperity bless you with all the good things of this mortal life.

Scorpio: Explore the different alchemies of money this week. Arrange for a large sum of cash money to come into your possession. Study its properties … weight, texture, and folding characteristics. You will discover something that pleases you.

Seek out treasure.

Sagittarius: Re fighting old battles will appear to be the easiest and most profitable course of action, but resist this temptation. Your sharp eye is designed for seeing that which others cannot see, and sending your arrows of justice full into the heart of the evil ones who oppose you. So, leave the slow and weak for others … accept the challenge.

Put aside your comic book and put on your armour.

Capricorn: The War God makes use of your special talents for working and breaking metal. Your sign is the quintessential amphibious warfare soldier: capable on both land and sea. Expect to see some hot action. And remember to carry a few supplies with you, like a magnifying glass, a small screwdriver (a multi-tool would be better), and socks.

The heads of your enemies are stacked at your feet.

Aquarius: Another week of time travelling adventure with your new friends from beyond Orion. These will usually happen in your sleep, so keep a note book and a glass of fresh water beside your bed. The note book is for things you do not want to forget. The water is to put out any sort of fires that may start when you transition back to this dimension.

Adventure.

Pisces: You will seize a position of leadership and use it to mobilize a vast force of like thinking individuals. You are admired by more than you realize. The hands of many strong men are at your disposal. Be careful around large bodies of water, especially places where barracuda and other carnivorous sea creatures inhabit.

Neither feed the sea serpent nor tickle his fins.



I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Astrology links:

Elsa Elsa’s astrology blog, of course

Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2008

The sign of Pisces is associated with the Twelfth house of the Zodiac, which is called the House of Self-Undoing. A better description is the House of Secrets, that being The Place where Power hides itself to make itself secure. Power is not a risk free commodity. It will bite you, and manifest in the Hospitals and Prisons ruled by this House; it can also manifest as The Guardian Angel, and the healing and rehabilitation represented by Hospitals and Prisons. So, be a good custodian of your wealth, knowledge, or talents, for it is here during this time that the Sun transits Pisces that judgements are made.

Aries: You will come to a sudden realization that you have forgotten all about that steamer trunk full of money you have hidden. Your ability to fool lie detectors extends to blocking out your own memories of the crafty way you robbed your drug dealing neighbour of his months of drug profits. Take the cash out to air … it is getting musty.

Taurus: Yes, it is a good idea to rob the bank. Take advantage of your inside knowledge of the habits of those oh, so complacent custodians of all that leafy green cash and coin to help yourself to a sack of money. Only take one bag … two will hurt your back. And, celebrate with a nice meal and an evening of no dishes to do. It will take three weeks for the sloppy accountants at Sleepy Bank to discover the missing bale of greenbacks.

Gemini: This habit of running naked through the house will continue this week. And, to the extent that you have been performing this liberating ritual, pagans from a secretive pagan sect (which worships the divine in the form of a Moose) will come in contact with you. They will invite you to join their naked rituals this weekend, so free up your social schedule.

Cancer: The realization that you are a better cook, chef, and bottle washer than the local shoveller of foodstuffs will come to you suddenly early this week. You will feel a little sad … if only they could bottle your rich creamy goodness and sell it by the can. Alas. However, on Wednesday, the divine power of your ability to channel the life force into even the most meagre can of beans will bring a smile to your heart.

Leo: The closer you get to the Sun (as in altitude) will be proportional to the cleansing of your body of any lingering coughs or aches brought about by contact with small children or flea infested pets of foul tempered trolls. Air travel would be a bonus, if you can arrange it. What the heck, steal a car and fly to Los Vegas. If you must enter a mine, stay as close to the explosives as you can, or carry a golden amulet of any design.

Virgo: Do not be embarrassed when you step on a co-workers glass eye. The crunch tells you that your taste for sensible footwear has paid off in spades. Let this lighten your heart and vindicate your correct opinions on comfy cushion insoles and proper use of baby powder for keeping the toes dry and fungus free.

Libra: A reconnaissance in force to a discount clothing bargain barn will reward you with a rich harvest of expensive fashions at a sliver of their price. In the pocket of one find you will find a business card that will become more valuable to you in weeks to come. And, of course, keep stuffing Income Tax documents into that shoe box.

Scorpio: A new project starts for you this week. You will find a lost knife. Coins placed in a jar will reproduce into more coins. While others are becoming despondent over the weather, look to see how it is advancing your agenda.

Sagittarius: You can silence the complaints of someone with bad breath with a punch to the throat. Just tap them on the larynx, followed by an upper cut to the solar plexus. While they practice not breathing, you can fill out whatever piece of paper is required. People should not waste your valuable time this week if they value their ability to breathe.

Capricorn: If you eat chicken this week, you will notice how the sound of popping and dismembering chicken bones is so similar to the sound of popping and dismembering the fingers of your last, late lamented business rival, the one who tried to cheat you in that Magnesium trade on the commodities market. This will put you off your feed, especially if you are dining with Mom and Dad. Yes, it is one of those rare episodes of being aware of others suffering and not enjoying it. Have the beef, or perhaps the salad instead.

Aquarius: Your month of decadent sexual adventure is only into its second week. Indeed, you are at the all you can eat banquet of sensual delights, erotic treats, and other slippery fun. Between your discovery of the erotica of shoes (Wednesday) to the sensuality of costumes (Saturday), you should keep up your intake of liquids as you are prone to dehydration. And do acquire a pair of ear plugs, as Sunday’s treat might just damage your ear drums with all that screaming.

Pisces: You will find an object of great value when you are in a public place. Only you will recognize it when it is still in its protective covering. Carry it off to a place of quiet and solitude for investigation. This should all happen before you stub your toe on Saturday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Do check out Elsa Elsa’s Astrology Blog * . It is a great read and you can harvest a rich crop of insights there.

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2008

This is the week it all begins to happen. Be observant this week for omens and signs of what the Pluto in Capricorn transit has in store for you.

Aries: The focus is elsewhere this week, Aries. You can move about unobserved and move forward your plans for The Bank Job, or perhaps The Stock Swindle. Exploit the confusion in Bank Security to get those final pictures of the vault.

Taurus: Your wise investment in a paper shredder has matured. This week, invest some money in a proper, top-end paper shredder, one that can eat credit cards and unopened junk mail. Something special involving shoes will happen on Friday.

Gemini: Your car wants to betray you, either through failed components that require repair, or through sloppy road control leading to some sort of accident. Its aggressive side needs accomodation. You can appease your car by playing military marches or by your singing the national anthem as you start your commute.

Cancer: Pretty well everybody you know will cross your path this week. You are the center of a web of family and friends. Bake one of your apple pies.

Leo: Your future this week is just too horrible to describe. Do not climb inside any sort of rock crusher or wood pulp pulverizer. Plumbing accidents are just waiting to happen. This week, you are war with the elementals: fire, air, water, and tradesmen. Now that you have been warned, you will win.

Virgo: Nothing happens this week. You get to wait for pretty well everything that can be waited for. From the ability-less hirelings in government offices, to the petty thieves that operate variety stores, all hands will be motionless in your service.

Libra: Your legendary poise and tact is on display this week. You will observe many incidents that are both rude and silly. But, conveniently, you are, thankfully, an observer. Yes, other people have some strange children, in-laws, and day parole felons living with them. But not you, Libra. Whew!

Scorpio: The most important week of your life begins Wednesday. Not so much in what you do, but in what you conceive to be done. Those plans you make sitting on the sofa watching the snow fall are going to happen. This being so, arm yourself with an inspiring book, some paper, and a pen.

Sagittarius: A great weight is lifted off your shoulders this week. It starts when a building nearby collapses because of shoddy, non-union labor. Return to a simpler time when drinking and feasting were part of your routine.

Capricorn: The three great questions that every Capricorn must face: Wealth? Power? or Wisdom? will be presented to you this week. Actually, its going to be a twenty year struggle as you choose among the three. To give yourself time, keep three objects, common objects, handy ... three pennies, three pencils, three paper clips ... whatever.

Aquarius: You will profit greatly from the ongoing economic crisis. As oil rises and bad loans fail, visualize yourself as a great and mighty slumlord. Now is the time to convert your cash holdings into equity holdings. Read up on commodities trading for preparation for next week.

Pisces: Your sign, especially, will have most contact with the people who are phasing in and out from another dimension. So, stock up your fridge and lay in a supply of snacks. Time to wear your funny socks.


One effect of the Pluto in Capricorn transit, which I happened to not tell you before, is the appearance of people whom you can only see close up. These 'people', who are really reflections of people from other dimensions, will tend to disappear from sight when they are a distance away. You will never see them 'blink out', but only when you turn your head back in their direction will you, if you are observant, notice that whoever has seemed to have dissappeared.

Generally, these people will be strangers, whom you pass by in transit. They are unimportant. Only rarely will someone you know have their doppelganger manifest. Most of the time, you will be safe.

On rare occassions, they will leave things behind. A newspaper, perhaps. A bag of groceries. Statistically, whatever real people forget, they will forget too. However, you may find the stuff they leave behind rather interesting. Future stock market prices are always welcome, as is news from the future. Winning lottery numbers should be your first concern.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Astrology and Income Tax Evasion

Yes, it is tax time. The taxspenders are gathering for their handouts, and the taxpayers are being herded into the corrals for roping and branding.

Aries: Few people tumble on to the latest income tax evasion scheme invented by the clever Aries. Whatever it is, it is new and improved. It is off the radar because the radar has not been invented, yet. Future generations always will admire their methods and James Bond like skill in pulling of these capers in plain view.

If the tax Gestapo do show up, it is because of a computer error. Humans are not astute enough to trip over an Aries scam unless it is by accident. Computers are more effective at this sort of blundering.

Alas, Aries is so-so in talking their way out of the clutches of the Gestapo. The shoebox full of money, the collection of passports, the 'vacant lot' that has a strip mall built on it, well, give the caper away. If Aries can either slug the inquisitor or just hoof them in the testicles, they can usually escape.

After the fact, Aries likes to enjoy his money. They always buy diamonds, prefering the brilliance of this most perfect gem to such vulgar trophies as scalps, shrunken heads, or body parts in pickle brine.

Taurus: Think of Pa Cartwright on that classic television show Bonanza. Taurus has an inherent sense of property rights that would put Ayn Rand to shame. Certainly not a miser, the Bull is happy to spend his cash on what he wants, when he wants it. He just does not like anyone skimming off the top. In their heart, this sign considers taxation to be a variant of cattle rustling. This being so, similar methods apply. Taurus just does not tell them about his income ... its none of their business.

As Taurus is too lazy to actually skin a Revenue Agent alive, tan their hide, and drape it over a fence post, they just keep good records of what they want the local cattle rustlers, er, income tax agency, to see. A good eighty percent of the taxable income of this sign is invisible transactions in the form of cash, barter, and trade.

If the tax department does catch on, Taurus becomes quiet and surly. The lawyer he has had to hire is cutting into his apple pie money. This sign will pay their fine, but apply a matching amount to hiring some sort of hired gun to root out the vermin.

Taurus always enjoys their wealth. Always accept an invitation to dine or carouse with this sign.

Gemini: This sign favors multiple identities. One for themselves, one for the bank, one for business partners, and one for the taxman. This multiple balance sheet method is well known to accounting professionals, who make their living providing software and pre-printed forms to accomodate the multiple balance sheet method. LIFO, FIFO, inventory made out of sand!

Gemini is a frequent visitor to the tax department, being investigated or fined. This gives them a good opportunity to lift letterhead, sabotage check tape calculators, or plant incriminating evidence on business rivals. In truth, they enjoy the mental challenge, both of fending off the inquisitor, and of stealing his wallet.

Accounting records that have passed through the creative hands of the Gemini are works of art. Flawless and free of error, but completely devoid of any relation to reality.

Cancer: Some pea under a walnut scheme involving property usually is the method of choice for this sign. Somehow, real estate enters into the picture. Only then, after the Cancerian gains some experience at this method, do they tumble upon the art and antiques techniques. Cancerians love to cheat the tax department using bogus antiques.

When the tax department shows up, wondering about the written off Ming vase or the broken silver spoon, the Cancerian starts to sweat. It is impressive how this sign just gets all sweaty. Even if they do not smoke, they crave a cigarette. Indeed, the Crab does not do interrogation very well.

The fears that exist in the minds of this sign are an order of magnitude larger than reality. After the sweat drenched Cancerian hands over a cheque for a nominal sum, after they wring out their underwear, they realize that their years of worry were for nought. Thats when they decide to try something really big.

Cancer does not enjoy money so much as what it can get them. There is no hordes of cash, but there will be coin collections, stamps, and furniture.

Leo: The King of the Zodiac enjoys the drama of tax evasion, discovery, evasion, and trial so much that they do not put much effort into method. This sign has a hidden agenda: they like to get caught so that they can defeat the tax department in some sort of public display. So, their evasion methods they pick up from mail order books, from the internet, or from overheard conversations on public transit.

Confronting the Leo is always a mistake for any would-be tax Gestapo. From the perfect choice of clothing, the weeping spouse and children in the waiting room, and the impeccable documents, it is a tough slug for any bureaucrat to put them behind bars. Ultimately, Leo usually has some minion or underling that confesses to the wrong doing and takes the rap.

It is hard to determine if a Leo is living beyond their means, because they usually always are, anyway. People give them gifts of gold, so all that glitter in their living room could be just a gift from an aunt, rather than the fruits of under reported income.

Virgo: This sign rarely consciously attempts income tax evasion. Their mastery of the relavant income tax laws, superior to the average tax inquisitor, allied to their mistaken belief that the revenue department actually follows its own rules, leads to some interesting scenarios. The rules state that they can do 'x', so off Virgo goes, amortizing capital expense, evaluating inventory, and carrying forward whatever.

Being hauled before the tax department makes Virgo angry. They know they followed the rules, and this little show trial is wasting their precious time. Never waste the time of a Virgo. This sign, if traumatized by the behavior of tax officials, will either join or fund some sort of survivalist group that is working towards the overthrow of the state.

Virgo will always have a stash of vitamins, asprin, and other over the counter medications stashed in a secret place. This sign always has something hidden in a toilet resevoir somewhere.

Libra: Since everyone else is cheating on their income tax, Libra thinks they should too. It is too much work, though. And it involves dirty, smeary ink and smudgy pencils. The numbers are boring, too. Unless Libra can find some minion to do the actual grubby accounting work, well, they just like to talk about cheating. It makes a pleasant diversion from gossip about infidelity, this gossip about larceny. Libra actually has the best world knowledge about income tax evasion. They just cannot be bothered to actually under-report, over-expense, or double enter. Ply them with gin, and you will learn a thing or two.

Sometimes, through computer error, bureaucratic incompetence, or the mischief of some malevolent planet, Libra gets summonsed to face the tax Gestapo. This is a crisis. What should one wear? Should you wear your nicer suit, or would that make you look like the greedy sort of person who does cheat? Perhaps one should dress a bit poor. Fewer baubles, maybe only one or two accessories. But, but, would that make you look like the sort of rogue that cheats on their taxes and dresses a bit poor to look like you do not cheat on your taxes.

To calm and soothe a Libra facing the tax people, fall to your knees and burst into tears. Tell them that they have to flee the country. They will stop worrying and giggle. They they are normal again.

Scorpio. It would be a lie to say that some Scorpions have never contemplated cheating on their taxes. Scorpio is really searching for transformative experiences, and if being the scourge of the tax department can do the trick, well, sign me up. Unfortunately, this sign only gets caught when they have some sort of subconscious drive to get caught. Its deep and murky and cold at those emotional depths.

As far as methods go, you cannot really pin a Scorpio down. Sure, not reporting some relatives death to keep on collecting the pension is usually pinned on this sign. Walling a hated co-worker up in the basement to listen to him beg for mercy could be considered a tax crime. But, tax evasion is really just some salad dressing in the great all you can eat buffet of crime that is the unhappy Scorpio.

Scorpio always enjoys facing a hostile prosecution. If they win, it is because they want to. If they lose, well, they are punishing themselves for something. In all cases, they are cool as ice.

Sagittarius: This sign cannot keep their mouth shut about whatever misdirection they are feeding the government. It may be a good angle, but they do tell on themselves. Over-reporting expenses is the natural course for this sign. Let other signs use non-existant assets; Sagittarius just likes to claim more taxi rides, office stationary, and claim that pub night is really a charitable donation. But loose lips sink ships ...

Faced with the inquisition, this sign just shrugs and pays the fine and moves on. Unless they are in the mood for a show trial. Sagittarius likes show trials. They make great speeches as they ride the tumbril to the guillotine. The clouds open and a light shines down upon them.

Having luck that would make other signs rather sour if they knew about it, Sagittarius has a wheel barrow of money waiting for their use in the astral plane.

Capricorn: If you meet a Capricorn that tells you that they do not cheat on their taxes they are lying. And, as far as criminal activities go, income tax evasion is small potatoes for this sign. What crime has this sign not indulged in to make a quick buck? Life is a commodity, and Capricorn is the broker.

A trip to the tax department is part of the cost of doing business. Kinda like having to put salt on your french fries, or wipe your shoes after you push someone into a pit of lime.

Aquarius: Your average Aquarian tax cheat prefers a combination of disappearing ink and its close friend, appearing ink. My, how those numbers change on the forms; how the addresses and amounts fade or grow. You can also expect to find forged receipts, creative letterheads, and doctored signatures. Regardless of the method, there is always an undertone of political rebellion. The numbers may be Aquarian made, but the address speaks of an agenda.

When the tax people realize that Jefferson Davis does not have an accounting firm, that the recipient of the charitable donations is a temple in Atlantis, or that the children claimed died of plague in the first century A.D. then the excitement begins. All Aquarians fantasize about shooting their way out of the tax office. Whatever resistance cell the sign is aligned with is forewarned and forearmed. Too bad the tax department does not know its staring role in the Escape from Gestapo Headquarters scenario that Aquarius has in mind. Oh well.

Pisces: The sign of the fish usually gets caught up in some other persons elaborate tax fraud. The first time, that is. After this eye opening experience, Pisces wises up and specializes in creating a sophisticated and elaborate illusion of some non-existant Mister Big - Mastermind of Crime who can take the rap. The money is never found, of course. Pisces has hidden their tracks too well ... who can see foot prints in water?

Facing interrogation is a skill Pisces develops in their youth. You have to be pretty resilient to get a grip on the slippery fish. This sign will often seduce their interrogator, or just drug them, or both.



see also Astrology and Murder

Astrology and Traffic Tie Ups

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of January 13, 2008

You do not have much time left. Have you taken stock of your life in preparation for the transit of Pluto into Capricorn? The unexamined life is not worth living; and with Capricorn soon to be running things, you can rewrite that as The unexamined life is not worth keeping around. Ah, Capricorn: The sign where Mars is exalted. And when those Capricorns unleash Mars around you, will you be in their lengthy, detailed good books?

Aries: Your covert use of an Ouiji board to determine the whereabouts of a lost mechanical pencil will prove irksome when a noxious spirit from another planet takes up refugee status in your waste water drainage system.

Taurus: Run your credit cards up to the max and buy everybody on your special list presents that reflect your good taste and their special ways. As for the homeless person who spits on the sidewalk, give him a carrot.

Gemini: You will acquire a book that has not actually been read. In this book you will find a letter, forgotten. Check out the value of the stamp, and do research the identity of the signature. You are in for some good luck in this regard.

Cancer: The stove is running 'too hot'. Use your strange psychic powers to compensate. You will discover a new beverage which will put spring in your step. Wear something silver on Tuesday.

Leo: Ah, the perfection of being you. Both a member of the underclass and a member of the ruling gentry will seek the warmth of your presence. The bum will hit you up for a free drink; and the other will confess their inferiority in getting their paws on sex partners.

Virgo: Your subconscious has been warning you for a while about the true goings on at your local supermarket. The bread is never really fresh there. And the milk, often questionable. Open your eyes and take inventory of your cares.

Libra: You will receive an invitation to attend a delightful party. But, your escort of choice is hesitant to attend. Such is the fate of Libra, the sign always seeking equilibrium. By Thursday, your escort will have collapsed under your barrage of reasonable arguments.

Scorpio: Some people will realize that you have been right, all along. Enjoy their suffering, discomfort, and grovelling. Just wait until they hear the complete scenario. Someone at work admires your taste in shoes.

Sagittarius: An older relative will share some shocking news with you about who your real parents are. This is good ... you now qualify for victim status! Find an excuse to wear the royal purple. But do it tastefully.

Capricorn: That house of cards you call your financial empire is going to collapse unless you impose greater discipline upon your underlings. Reduce expenses by reducing food allowances on all your dungeon resident workers.

Aquarius: Since Valentines day falls in your sign, you should shift your carcass and begin some strategic planning. This Valentines day is going to be very important for you. Your rewards are proportional to your effort. Oh, and wear some sort of plaid undergarment, especially Friday.

Pisces: This week, your 'ahead of their time' insights into just about everything are greatly appreciated by the vulgar masses. As you watch their slack jawed expressions as you pour wisdom into their tablespoon sized intellects you will be tempted by The Dark Side.



Question of the Week: Fenris Badwulf, to whom nobody should answer if they value their soul, has pointed out that I am obligated to answer questions. Since I value the meager stipend that Iron Purse (that is, Fenris) dribbles out to me, I am now going to answer questions furthered to me, but only in the comments. Those with confidential questions about criminal acts, infidelity, or sharp business practices can continue to contact me through my e-mail or telephone with scrambler.

The Question: How do you, Sargon the Magnificent, come up with these weekly horoscopes?

The Answer: The lost sheep who disbelieve the influence of the planets on their lives would expect me to say that I make it up. Otherwise, what I do is use a form of remote viewing to access the infinite wisdom of the Cosmic (the Great Librarian of the FreeMasons, actually). It is similiar to automatic writing, or perhaps the seer stones of the Mormons. That is to say, I enter a waking trance and then the Higher Power details the exact words I am to write. Me, I am just a channel. So, I do not make it up; The Great Librarian makes it up.

The Answer to your next question which you have not yet asked me: I made a post a while back on remote viewing. That will get you started.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of January 6, 2008

The first full week back to work ... go to it taxpayers! For taxspenders, time to roll over and hit the snooze button.

Aries: You will find that some urchin has misplaced some important papers. You will find them quickly, with chocolate smears. Your housepet is pregnant, too. Dog or cat, parrot or iguana, it doesnt matter. Blame Santa.

Taurus: An issue that raises its head this week will develop into an ongoing situation that will ferment for a month or so. This could be to your financial advantage, so pay attention. Keep some anti-acids handy as your legendary digestion is still digesting the wheelbarrow of food you ate over the Holidays.

Gemini: Beware of a woman driving her car backwards. You will avoid the accident, but you will be tied down with the paperwork as a witness, and might have a hysteric on your hands too. All of which cuts into your personal time.

Cancer: Your discovery of an ancestors book of Masonic secrets will complicate your life. Not so much the Men In Black who show up, but the inclusion of a date square recipe in the instructions for a rite to bring the dead back to life.

Leo: You will have a prophetic dream on Thursday night. You will lose a pair of gloves, only to find them, and a another pair exactly the same. Small children will stop crying when you smile at them.

Virgo: Serious responsibilites will devolve onto your shoulders this week. The magnitude of your tax preparations will forestall an audit. If you choose to poison your boss, he will drink from the wrong cup of coffee.

Libra: A week of tranquility for the sign of balance. Your discovery of a glass eye in the fold of your sofa is a lucky omen. Nobody told you they lost theirs, so keep it as a spare. It will come in handy, later.

Scorpio: People will keep giving you money this week. Your hand will become sore from signing bank deposits. The less you tell people about your good fortune, the more you will have, so control the tap wisely. Get your shoes polished.

Sagittarius: A new romance enters your life, and you will have no problems keeping this secret from your old romance. A stranger, a woman in her seventies with a blue coat, will be the first to know about your two timing project for January.

Capricorn: Continue to invest wisely in oil stocks. Consider putting another five bars of gold in your bunker for a 'rainy day'. People will pay attention to you this week, make them pay for it. Get a hair cut.

Aquarius: You feel like a seed waiting for spring. Your talent for remote viewing will prove useful when you peruse an internet article on Roman tastes in soup. Your faith in democracy is shaken when you realize how much you enjoy sending peasants to work in the mud.

Pisces: Your intuition that some reptilian wizard is watching you from another dimension is accurate. Clean the windows, and do not spare the spray. A peacefulness will come over you once you have done this.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2007

This is the last complete month before Pluto transits into Capricorn. As such, it is the time that steaming cracks appear in the earth. In places, the earth rises, and there are deep grumbles from deep in the earth. You can spin this as Global Warming, Obesity, or the lingering effects of Colonialism in Africa; better to call a volcano a volcano. Anyway, you got your month.

Aries: Another aspect of being the leader of the zodiac is that of waiting around for others to screw up, then sweep in to solve the problem, get the cigar, the sexy babe, and the wheelbarrow of cash. So, you must watch the painful exercises in dullardism from now until Thursday. Friday, you win.\

Taurus: People do not really know how much volume of foodstuffs you can compact into your extensive digestive tract. The eats are better with those that celebrate Christmas, not Festival Season. You run the risk of being poisoned by some knock off Festival Season treats on Tuesday, anyway.

Gemini: A new face in the variety store means you get to count your change again, again. Although the new guy is a cousin of the old guy, his embrace of Canadian culture does not extend to honesty. It is optional where he comes from, so you better get busy appeasing. Better yet, shop elsewhere.

Cancer: Yes, you are gaining weight. You have not stopped eating, and this increase in volume of input by a factor of three may be the culprit. So, who cares? Agitate for free public health care that includes liposuction.

Leo: There is something about screaming, barfing children, over-gorged on strange food, that calls for Leo. Your mere presence brings calmness to the hyperactive, and quiets the over churned stomach of most children. Babies smile, and fall asleep around the King of the Zodiac. Lucky to be you, Leo.

Virgo: Stores that never existed before will appear to sell you exactly what you are looking for. Exotic tea? Specialty kitchen cutlery? Medieval weapons for re-enactment enthusiasts? All there. You will enjoy spending money on Wednesday.

Libra: Something is missing in your life, this week. Indeed, where is that former lover of yours? Although you have many (and tell few), you will have many evoked memories of this one (described by you in unflattering terms), which will then lead to you getting somewhat weepy and contrite among all the prickly holly and refreshing pine. All in your mind, with very little showing on your perfectly composed person.

Scorpio: The Christmas season sparks up with three levels of meaning for you. There is a stronger undercurrent of ominous foreboding this year. Your ability to 'see into people' is increasing: the tragic elements of some tinsel clad events speaks to your heart. The quietest voice is one of a powerful force, that acts behind the scenes towards a great purpose.

Sagittarius: You are center of attention of three circuses. You will experience a sensation like walking through water as you transit from one sphere to another. In each area, your outer persona is different; and you will realize this as a flash of insight.

Capricorn: What better way to spend the days before your coup than by allowing yourself to enjoy Christmas shopping and gathering? It is not part of your grim repetoire, but, well, as the timer ticks down to Tora! Tora! Tora! maybe you should check out the chocolate selection.

Aquarius: You will develop the ability to feel peace and contentment in large crowds and around communting herds. An aggressive selection of comfortable clothes will stand you in good stead. And get some comfy inserts for your shoes, too.

Pisces: Your vulgar co-workers will reveal a mastery of vulgar terms for gymnasitic and unhygenic sexual acts that will both shock and amaze you. Your sense of purpose in an ordered universe will remain serene; by Thursday you will have classifed this new knowledge.

Only I, Sargon the Magnificent, can write this.

Horoscope for the week of November 25, 2007

I return to Toronto, refreshed and tanned. I sure enjoyed my vacation. In the stars, however, the ominous clouds are gathering as Pluto prepares to transit into Capricorn. To add some excitement to this already exciting event, Jupiter is lording over his own sign of Sagittarius to add some puff and tinsel to the great false idols that Pluto intends to annihiliate. Do lay in a supply of food, water and trade goods. The time to start is now.

Aries: Sometimes you have to let others do your dirty work for you. It is not the Aries way, but this week, alas, you have to sit back and watch while others go through the motions. Everybody has to learn sometime, and this time, you get to teach, rather than do. You can be helpful by having a jug of water handy for the waterboarding. Get some new shoes as a treat.

Taurus: Your wisdom in bailing out of the sinking ship of the real estate market will be rewarded with both wealth and a treat for your sophisticated sexual tastes. You will be licking your lips all week, and on Tuesday, your fingers too.

Gemini: Your recent coup de main in securing a very valuable item at a mere figment of its true value will only turn to ashes when you forget to buy a lottery ticket using your favourite numbers. It is your turn to win the lottery, so force yourself to do both at the same time.

Cancer: Your new oven is too hot. You will burn the cheesecake, something you have never done before. While fantasies of skinning the culprits alive may dance in your head, realize that this is just the realignment of the spheres in your favor.

Leo: Your legendary wit will cause a co-worker to laugh himself to death, before the eyes of your assembled admirers. He continue to laugh, even as his lips turn blue, and his aorta ruptures. Only you, King of the Zodiac, could make someones last moments be so pleasant.

Virgo: Avoid air travel. The malignant influence of Saturn will have you on an airline run by incompetents. Your first clue will be when they serve beans as the inflight meal. Behind you, there will be the couple arguing heatedly in some foreign language; in front of you, the baby will barf. Send someone else to suffer.

Libra: The calm that precedes the storm will descend upon your tasteful and elegantly furnished home. The parole of your ex-lover, and the visit of some members of a secret society will be as a gentle spring breeze. You will find a mysterious set of car keys close to where you park. Go for a joy ride!

Scorpio: Your cat will bring you a shrunken head. The mystery is, where did it come from? Those meddling neighbourhood kids? Perhaps your neighbours are Devil worshipers? Take a flashlight when you look in the attic.

Sagittarius: You will find yourself as a paladin for a social movement that symbolizes all that you currently hold dear. Which is nice, especially when you find yourself running the local operations in your sector.

Capricorn: Your latest toy will irk you until you master its operation. Grit your teeth and just do it. Prepare for the coming crisis by topping up the supplies in your bunker. Your wardrobe should appeal to appearance, rather than utility.

Aquarius: If Gemini does not win the lottery this week, you will.

Pisces: Something evil is lurking in the back of your fridge. It is from another dimension and feeds off of the vibrations of the compressor. When you defrost the freezer, it will sound a wail of defeat and retreat to the cold, outer blackness where it lives.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2007

On September 8, 2007, Pluto goes direct. It enters Capricorn on January 26 of next year. Power will move from the control of those institutions ruled by Sagittarius to those ruled by Capricorn. This astrologer has a simple, yet direct description of what may happen * . As for the scary reference to 'one world government', I suggest that the emotions associated with the concept are based upon the fairycake notions of the passing Sagittarian order. Yes, there will be a new Napoleon, and yes, the experiment that is the United States will be put to the test. Of course, ones pre-existing bias about Napoleon or the United States may cloud your judgement. Better to be open minded and objective than dogmatic ... and have a months supply of food, too.

This will be a week of flux for everyone. If you feel comfortable and complacent, you are looking the wrong way. You should be able to detect vague tremors through your feet. You will have dreams that cast understanding on your past and present. Many of the sights you find familiar will soon be memories, ashes, or landfill.

This is, possibly, the best time in your life to initiate change in your surroundings, personality, or attitudes. Projects do not have to be completed, merely started. Move pencils around your desk, open a book and read a paragraph. The things you begin to transform this week will indeed transform. The obliterative power of Pluto grows exponentially more powerful when it meets resistance. Better to move with the gradient, than be a resistance across the potential.

Ask yourself what you want. Open yourself up to the reality that what you need may be different from what you want. Realize that others wants and needs may be opposed to yours, block yours, enable yours, or be exactly the same. So, practice silence in your study of yourself. But do communicate a few reasonable requests to those close to you. The unreasonable will be squished, for that is the way of Pluto.

Those dull, boring Capricorns who climb so steadily towards whatever lofty goals burn with impatience inside. You can hitch a ride with them if you share their vision and agenda. Those that oppose them will not stand. The insight and powers that Scorpio wrestles with will be on loan to Capricorn for a short while, which is good. As we see with the current generation of corrupt and damned Sagittarius (some, and not all of that sign), the Cthullu's that they have summoned will be coming home to look for supper. Capricorns are well advised to study the horrible fate of those that joke around with Pluto. But, being Capricorns, it will be great fun to watch. How they enjoy to watch others suffer, and how they do learn from the lesson (as few other signs do).

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this while in hiding, surrounded by rings of amulets, smoking incense, sacred glyphs, and Enochian prose works carved into basalt, black granite, and serpentine.

Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2007

Aries: The quick step march you hear is the sound of money flowing into your hands. Listen for it, Billy Boy. You are the pioneer of the zodiac, so look forward. Let the followers follow. You get to lead this week, every week.

Taurus: Ah, the contentment of expensive liquor, tasty grub, and a trained love slave waiting in the sack. The comforts of the flesh are yours this week, Taurus. It is summer in your private kingdom, and no signs of peasant revolt.

Gemini: No opposition worthy of your wits waits for you this week. Which is boring, but good for your ego.

Cancer: Good quality sex, minor intrigues, and the lesser pleasures of insect extermination are in the stars for Cancer this week. The intrigue involves other people, rather distant in time, space, and emotional connection.

Leo: Last weeks victory has given you the taste of victory. You are Napoleon, returning from Italy. Don the republican tricolor, but plan your Imperial palace. Look deep into your heart, and you know this is so. Perhaps you should secretly search for a praetorian prefect.

Virgo: Some people sing of mountains and valleys. This week, you savor the uniquely mercurial pleasures of order and good administration. Marshal your paper clips, your staples, and inventory your colored folders.

Libra: Others seeking equilibrium will bring chaos, anger, and poor taste into your front room of perfection. Especially on garbage day. While burning them alive is tempting, it will interfere with your enjoyment of your view from the patio. Just pretend that you are not home. Let them suffer, elsewhere.

Scorpio: Monday is the day when you will have an incredible connection with The People. Expect the same in 28 days, for that matter. Verbal agility is strong this week, too. Do not let the fact that some do not listen annoy you: it is their way of letting you know that they are dullards.

Sagittaurus: No one ever complained on their death bed that they did not work enough. Maybe it is time to change that, and this is your project for the week. More zombies means more cash flow for you, and more taxes for social programs.

Capricorn: Your plans for world domination embrace the recruiting and training of a new satrap this week. If you see the doctor on Thursday, you will find a finger in the waste basket. Be discrete, and say nothing.

Aquarius: An exciting development in your ability to hypnotize customers, staff, and your boss, occurs on Wednesday. Make them crawl, and fetch you caramel latte. Gloating is good for the soul.

Pisces: The normal sort of strange things that occur in quiet places filled with thinking people occur this week. Except your acute hearing detects the quiet footfall of Bubastis, the Cat god. Offer up an offering. Favor the color aquamarine in your ritual.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Confidential to Conrad in Chicago: Your secret admirer has made contact with a prison based cult that worships both capitalism and the mysterious 'Charlie'. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. You have friends who are angry that you have been messed with. Payback time starts in September.

Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2007

Some of the stars you see twinkling in the peaceful night sky are the burning space ships of the Ulkron battle fleet, being annihilated some twenty thousand years ago. Plan to take in the glorious (and futile) torpedo attack of the 47th Cruiser Squadron on Tuesday night, around 11 pm. The pink tone to the twinkle is the iridium based particle beams cooking off a fusion drive.

ARIES: The next time you see a naked person running down the street will be on Tuesday. Resist the urge to stay behind, Aries. Strip off your clothes and join in the fun!

TAURUS: Your dark secret, that you secretly enjoy the flavor of the little bugs that you find in the garden fresh baby onions that you harvest from you beloved garden, is safe, as long as you do not tell your visiting Aunt what the secret is to your garden salad.

GEMINI: The can of Bear Spray that you keep in your car will prove useful on Thursday when a diseased vagrant attempts to clean your car window with dirty water at an urban intersection. Aim for the green teeth. Times like this makes commuting worthwhile. If you leave early, take a can of lighter fluid, too.

CANCER: Accept the sad inevitability that your collection of knick-knacks require urban renewal. Sort the heirlooms from the kitsch, and consign the dusty and drab to the flames. Browbeat your partner into digging a hole three feet by three feet by three feet for good luck.

LEO: The hot spell means cranky babies, chafing with diaper rash, dripping with sweat, and upset tum-tums ready to spew vomit. But then, along comes you to save the day. This week, Leo, you mere presence will calm the crying child, cool the sweaty brow, and soothe the grumbly tummy. Your friends are lucky to know you.

VIRGO: Cut extra hashish into the brownies. Wear something light blue, maybe socks, an accessory, or a corset, on your lucky day, Wednesday.

LIBRA: Your so-called friend will show up with a screaming brat instead of the promised baked goods for your long planned party on Saturday. Secret a brat sized cardboard box, along with duct tape and diapers, in the garage for your peace of mind.

SCORPIO: Your love affair with all things feline grows when you explore your cats love of eating insects alive. Do this in a quiet room and listen to the crunch and snap of thorax and carapace. Channel your inner Roman Emperor and let your kitty cat be your favourite gladiator.

SAGITTAURUS: You will have a vivid series of dreams this week that will provide insight into three things: something found, something lost, and a great stock market investment. If you wake up in darkness on Thursday, and you hear a clock ticking, you have transited into a parallel dimension. Hide under the covers and count to thirteen, and you will come back to where you belong.

CAPRICORN: A precious amulet will fall into your possession; the persons giving it to you are unaware of its strange occult properties. Exploit your new found powers by turning your underperforming financial advisor into a turtle.

AQUARIUS: Rob a knitting supply store for kicks on Wednesday. Take the money and the angora yarn. Call your cousin on Thursday.

PISCES: Taking your keys to a car never felt so good as on your shopping day this week. Your are the avenging angel of the Heavenly Host that protects cars in parking lots and their middle class owners. Savor the feeling of power.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this

Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2007

ARIES: Domestic issues take up your week with a extended period of debauchery. Your hands will be greasy, your shirt dripped with sauce, and your supply of contraceptives comprimised by purloining cousins (family, not Crips).

TAURUS: Being bigger and stronger never felt better, especially when your most recent victim is both smaller and weaker and in the plastic lined trunk of your roomy luxury sedan. Gangbangers should not urinate on your garden, not unless they want to become compost. Remember, two bags of lime, Taurus.

GEMINI: Same old, same old in the propaganda game this week, which bores you. Use a subterfuge to undermine a rival at work, but hold off on the poisoned cookies until Thursday. Count your scrabble tiles: someone has stolen a vowel.

CANCER: You are blessed with good weather, good friends, good times, and a good supply of baking supplies. You are quick of mind and words this week, and most things are in harmony with you. Enjoy.

LEO: A dog wags his tail when you meet on the street. You spot the spoor of eight gangbangers who have moved into a nearby neighbourhood.

VIRGO: The homeless person who has been sleeping in your garden shed discovers that your mastery of electricity combined with your strong property rights stand makes for a shocking change of perspective. Sponge out the crawling vermin with insecticide, and feed your roses some calcium.

LIBRA: You will run down a biker standing on the road at midnight on Tuesday. This will allow you to get your hands on another silencer for your .222. Explore your options in re-upholstery.

SCORPIO: Preparations for the human sacrifice on Saturday are going according to timetable. Feed the ants with their favorite treats, knowing that they will have a special meal during the midnight ritual.

SAGITTAURUS: Powerful Jupiter in your sign makes you lucky this week. Powerful forces, such as the law, academia, and the press all back down and show you their tail. A great week to make demands.

CAPRICORN: You are opposed by the daily powers that be ... nothing new for you, Capricorn. Wait for the traffic light to change, the clerk to notice you and your money, and for the neighbourhood gangbanger to catch a slug in the head. The pressure cooker is pounding up for your advantage.

AQUARIUS: Your fate this week is linked to that of the Spice Girls. Good news about them means good news for you. And, the restraining order against you from Pickle Spice expires this week, too. Aaaargh.

PISCES: A subconscious urge to walk in darkness leads to your meeting up with nocturnal devil worshippers who have access to plentiful supplies of good biker dope, Canadian beer, and easy virtue.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Confidential to Confined in Cambridge: Your escape into the high fashion world of fetish videos is completely invisible to those from your 'old life'. Aside from your little nephew who remarks that you smell like latex, all is secret. Re-invest your profits into the Hamburg housing market, pronto. Gather more copper.

Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2007

ARIES: This is the week that you will realize that your landlady is having an affair with her son, using your bed, in your absence. Or something just as shocking. A three layer horror, that can twist even your stomach

TAURUS: After a few days of planning, your plot to exterminate an annoyance will come to naught when your victim ups and dies on you, without your help. This leaves you holding the bag: two bags of lime, one bag of grass seed, two shovels, and a van rented in your ex's name.

GEMINI Your skills at forgery are put to the test when you realize that any primate with a crayon could sign up for social assistance. Your elaborate scheme to bankrupt the Royal Bank now appears to be over-worked, the work of a fuss budget.

CANCER Your home is a palace, not only for the body, but for the soul. If you are observant, you will see a melancholy man draw spiritual sustenance from your tasteful decor and quality furnishings. Truly a victory of good taste. Treat yourself to ice creme.

LEO Your newest love interest has an unwholesome obsession with serial killers. You may ask yourself what they see in you, but you will not like the answer. Time to move on, after you get your laundry done.

VIRGO An internet site will lead you to believe that you could indeed mass produce Smallpox in your refrigerator, using eggs as a culture medium. Perhaps it is time that your boss consider you for a raise.

LIBRA Life in the Mud-Pit was never better, especially when you are the puppet-master, pushing the muddy workers from the hot boiling mudpit to the cold slimy mudpit. If they cannot use proper manners, well, then you should feel no qualms dispatching the miscreants to suffer in the goop.

SCORPIO Nothing is transiting Scorpio, so nothing much is happening. Except for the transit of the Moon, which starts the week. This means that some miscreant will suggest you turn your recreation room into an Sado-Masochist brothel. Either that or ants will seek to resist your will.

SAGITTAURUS Time to experience new things, like how the Romans dealt with overeating. Purging yourself of food and drink so you can wallow in more food and drink is decadent. Indulge.

CAPRICORN Wallowing in the pigsty of despair will not get you up the ladder of life, Goat. Misery is around your neighbours, not you. Why not just watch them suffer. An apple a day makes your enemies liver shrivel. Put a curse on them to make things move faster.

AQUARIUS Insects are gathering to resist your plans. Gather a full arsenal of chemical weapons and prepare to do battle, 1917 style.

PISCES All rivers find their way into the ocean that is Pisces. The exceptions are stagnant ponds and dried up salt basins. But even the swamp water and the brine seek union with Pisces. This is your question, this week.


Confidential to Bankrupt in Cambridge Cutting yourself off from those that care about you is making you more misery. You will win the lottery this week.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Astrology and Werewolf food

Although Fenris and I disagree about the cult of the Snake God, Set, we do agree that feeding werewolf spirits is multi-cultural and fights Global Warming.

It is easy to feed the werewolf. Simply buy some meat from the store. Some stewing beef, or liver, or some chicken thighs. Cheap and greasy is best.

Let the meat turn in the fridge. Mom and Dad will not notice. And, if they do manage to eat the turned liver, well, they will be in the hospital for a good two weeks. After the meat has turned, you can take it out on a dark night and toss pieces into the snow.

From now till spring all the werewolf friends, like the dog, the cat, the skunk, the raccoon, and the homeless primate, will be drawn to your meat blessing place.

It is fun!

This is a better use for your allowance than sending it to Fenris and getting nothing but junk mail and telemarketers in return.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2006

This week witnesses the entry of the Sun into Capricorn. This is the last year for the sun to transit signs under the aegis of Pluto in Sagittaurus. So, this is the first of twelve transits where things begin to be prepared for the dire and dread entry of Pluto into Capricorn.

Two things are going on with this Pluto transit. It is leaving one sign, and entering another. The sign it is leaving has domain over such things as the judiciary, the legal system, the media, and the rule of law. All of these things are tainted with scandal and Pluto is going to clean house in his explosive way. The 'Cleansing of the Shire' starts on the solstice.

ARIES: Cheap, annonymous sex figures prominently in your life this week, Aries. Getting gobbled at work and on the golf course is in your stars. Smile your way through boring meetings, tedious paperwork, and the tepid mush that is food on Friday, because you know you are going to get some.

TAURUS: Nothing says perfection like perfect asparagus, accompanied by pasta and a sauce that evokes spring in Tuscany. People who are invited to your table are thrice blessed, especially by their grovelling admiration for your well stocked barn of culinary delights. Mmmmmmm.

GEMINI: Your Scrabble opponents are torn in two by conflicting emotions of awe and reptilian hate. Your astounding succession of seven letter word scores, doubled and redoubled, merely puts these lowly spineless life forms in their proper place. You are the master, and they know it, from their mud encrusted head to their manure stained toes.

CANCER: Your questionable habits of drinking from the milk bag, sauntering around the house in a vest and nothing else, and mixing toothpaste brands will be considered a sign of divine privilege by the specialty prostitute you hire on for a weekend of sticky fun.

LEO: This week, learn to make unreasonable demands. Shout, 'And make it Snappy!' at everyone as they scurry from your commanding voice. Let them tremble and fear your displeasure.

VIRGO: You will win the lottery this week. Indulge your secret passion for latex fashions and accessories.

LIBRA: You will add a fresh scalp to your belt this week. This will happen on Tuesday.

SCORPIO: Yet another long lost romantic interest will emerge from the mists. If you wear sunglasses, you will see them first and be able to prepare for a suitable response. Otherwise, it is a complete ambush scenario. In all cases, having your breasts fondled in public is not acceptable on some levels.

SAGITTAURUS: As your boss is determined to extend the definition of incompetent, dullard, and crackpate, sit back and watch the corporate ship gain speed and momentum as it hurtles towards the mud bank. Put cross dressing in perspective on Wednesday.

CAPRICORN: A blend of slow poisons is called for in a problem solving scenario. It is always good to get back to basics. An enemy will walk into the pit filled with bamboo spears you have so carefully prepared.

AQUARIUS: The Virgin Mary will appear to you in a brilliant cloud of light with a message that you should really, really pay attention to. This will happen on Thursday.

PISCES: You will find more money in your pocket at the end of the evening than you left with on your Friday adventures in decadent debauchery. In your other pocket will be a big bag of dope.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Complaints about the way your life is going? Not enough 'me' time? Enemies just won't burst into flames, no matter how much you visualize it? Is your cat pregnant, again? Maybe it is time you shared your problems, hopes, and dreams with a registered Astrological Professional, one who cares. Learn how to use the power of the planets to bend all to your will! Get rich quick with only a few simple words, charms and incantations! Sign up now for your Confidential Astrological Analysis!

Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2006

Aside from my personal life, which seems to involve restraining Fenris from encouraging the Evil Apprentice from using electroshock to turn his alcoholic roomates into specialty prostitutes, and of course bumping into minor demons who run militaria shops, things are quiet in the stars. Not that I am complaining. Whenever Fenris shows up with two bags of lime and talk about 'gardening', well, I think anyone would feel concerned. Last time this happened my favorite pair of Wellington boots (which I use in the garden) turned up covered with mud, grass, and lime. I found a finger under the drivers seat of my car. Mind you, Fenris did buy me a rather nice golden figurine of the Sphinx. Oh well.

If you are in the process of being evicted by your landlord, and one of the people who live close to you is an apprentice, your life is in danger. If you pass out drunk in your own urine on the sofa, you might wake up buried up to the neck in an ant hill. If you leave dirty dishes for days on end in the sink to feed your insect friends, do not be susprised if your next bottle of vodka is topped up with cyanide.

ARIES. Five planets in trine to your natal sign promise smooth sailing and excellent adventures this week. New romantic adventures are featured, so you can put that can of ether and the rags in the trunk.

TAURUS. You will discover an even more comfortable chair than the one you have now. Save up some food scraps for the less fortunate raccoons and skunks that are so hungry this time of year.

GEMINI. The collective mass of gurgling, diaper clad, dullards that is the collective entity that you find so maladjusted, stands between you and justice, sex, and good reading material. Consider yourself lucky if you only suffer small oppositions.

CANCER. You will win the lottery. This will happen right around the time that you reconcile yourself to a difficult situation.

LEO. Hopefully, when you read this, you will have realized that you are not the drunken wastrel that is in the process of being evicted from certain slow horrible death at the hands of an ingenious, cruel, and rather sinister co-habitant. If that is the case, then you have a quiet week of common oppression. Otherwise, you are doomed.

VIRGO. Burying your idiot bridge partner alive never seemed so attractive that it will this week. You are surrounded by bunglers and buffoons. Patience, Virgo. Be careful not to trip on a used, discarded condom on your way to your favourite place of fleshy pleasures.

LIBRA. Your suspicions that your neighbour is planning a midnight disposal of an obnoxious tenant is best left unexplored. This line of enquiry just opens a whole can of worms for Libra ... as in, what to wear? Few wardrobes could encompass suitable basics and accessories for clandestine internment chic. This absence of fashion will make you depressed for no reason. Pull down the blinds and shut your ears to the strangled screams.

SCORPIO. Your successes are beginning to be whispered about. Life begins to assume the routine it had back in the summer, except for the new car, the extra zero's on the pay cheque, and the steady diet of fetish sex. If anybody knew what you were up to, they would be jealous, oozing envy, and dipped in inadequacy.

SAGITTAURUS. This week, you conqueor. Your victorious legions advance across whatever field and crush the opposition like an eggshell under your boot. It feels good to win, and this week its all you, all the time.

CAPRICORN. If you feel the urge to slowly strangle someone while scowling into their eyes, watching their life ebb, perhaps you should count to ten first. Instead, plant drugs in their luggage when they travel to Turkey, or put Rogaine on their toilet paper. Patience Capricorn.

AQUARIUS. Others successes give you inspiration of victory of your own. A difficult problem is solved by osmosis.

PISCES. You will be a good friend to a person in a difficult situation. This will make your guardian angel smile upon you and your good works.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.