Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2008

To the ancients, the Crab represented the bounty of the oceans. This meant food for the belly. To the prophets, food was a symbol of the god stuff needed for the nourishment of the soul. Cancerians have access to both, all the time. And during this time of year, you do too. Get your fork! This week also sees the full moon ... which means Full Moon in Capricorn. Your plans come to harvest, and with Capricorn, money, power, and control are involved.

Aries The irksome opposition of Sun and Moon occurs on Friday, so expect your week to see a dizzying combination of mud encrusted peasants and dullard aristocrats involved in blocking your forward movement. The commute home friday will be the worst. There will be too many witnesses for you to use that neat weapon you looted from a crashed UFO

Taurus What a great week! Everybody loves you more and more, starting on Wednesday, and climaxing on Friday. Try to have sex in public on Friday, too. Either way, you will be watched in your love making on that day. Food preparation will go well as well, try something daring between orgasms.

Gemini Your interest in something related to your glorious departed ancestors will be stimulated with the arrival of fresh information. If you were born during daylight, and you receive a military relic, it will still be loaded and functioning ... a good excuse to shoot the boss, professor, or untenured lecturer in the right knee or right foot. If you were born during the night, expect a shipment of letters.

Cancer German military march music has a strange appeal for you this week. Maybe the little people should shift their arses a little faster if they know what is coming down the pipe, eh what? Take the time to wallow in the success of your latest project and maybe force someone else to polish your shoes.

Leo Your recent adventures dealing with idiots gives you fresh insights into the reasonable expectations and lifestyle of the medieval inquisitor. Perhaps they weren't so bad after all, considering what they had to work with. Did you know that it takes a full cord of wood per person per auto de fe?

Virgo You push the limits of drunken debauchery to a new level of decadence that will bring you to the attention of a space alien searching for superior body parts. Indeed, your invincible liver has market value only a few xillion light years from here. Do not drink anything that is green and fizzy.

Libra One of the lesser lumpenproletariat whom you have invited to one of your legendary social events will make an ass of themselves. It could be drinking beer out of a shoe, or knocking over the cat litter, or just experimenting with homosexual sex on the bed where the coats are being kept. You are the Achilles of entertainers; alas, you must deal with the Greeks and Trojans.

Scorpio Success will rain upon your head this week, even if it does rain on your car. Something big happens friday. You might not know what for a few days afterwards. Oh, do keep up on the laundry.

Sagittarius The full moon in the sign after yours means that a secret rival of yours will reveal themselves, but they will not know that you know. Neat, eh? You know what to do. Good luck is associated with the metal silver.

Capricorn That door you walk through is really a portal to another dimension in space and time. All that is missing is your memory of where the door is to get back. Try to bring back some valuables this time.

Aquarius Something is going on behind your back involving large numbers of people. Being left out is not something that you expect, but it is going on. Inconsiderate fatherless mutants! Otherwise, work related issues are highlighted: expect some sort of communication this week. And you will be a star at your big presentation, too.

Pisces Planning a bank robbery is the focus of your attention this week. Pay attention to matters of disguise and distraction. You get to secretly observe others for a change. Enjoy the moment.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.