Astrology and Income Tax Evasion

Yes, it is tax time. The taxspenders are gathering for their handouts, and the taxpayers are being herded into the corrals for roping and branding.

Aries: Few people tumble on to the latest income tax evasion scheme invented by the clever Aries. Whatever it is, it is new and improved. It is off the radar because the radar has not been invented, yet. Future generations always will admire their methods and James Bond like skill in pulling of these capers in plain view.

If the tax Gestapo do show up, it is because of a computer error. Humans are not astute enough to trip over an Aries scam unless it is by accident. Computers are more effective at this sort of blundering.

Alas, Aries is so-so in talking their way out of the clutches of the Gestapo. The shoebox full of money, the collection of passports, the 'vacant lot' that has a strip mall built on it, well, give the caper away. If Aries can either slug the inquisitor or just hoof them in the testicles, they can usually escape.

After the fact, Aries likes to enjoy his money. They always buy diamonds, prefering the brilliance of this most perfect gem to such vulgar trophies as scalps, shrunken heads, or body parts in pickle brine.

Taurus: Think of Pa Cartwright on that classic television show Bonanza. Taurus has an inherent sense of property rights that would put Ayn Rand to shame. Certainly not a miser, the Bull is happy to spend his cash on what he wants, when he wants it. He just does not like anyone skimming off the top. In their heart, this sign considers taxation to be a variant of cattle rustling. This being so, similar methods apply. Taurus just does not tell them about his income ... its none of their business.

As Taurus is too lazy to actually skin a Revenue Agent alive, tan their hide, and drape it over a fence post, they just keep good records of what they want the local cattle rustlers, er, income tax agency, to see. A good eighty percent of the taxable income of this sign is invisible transactions in the form of cash, barter, and trade.

If the tax department does catch on, Taurus becomes quiet and surly. The lawyer he has had to hire is cutting into his apple pie money. This sign will pay their fine, but apply a matching amount to hiring some sort of hired gun to root out the vermin.

Taurus always enjoys their wealth. Always accept an invitation to dine or carouse with this sign.

Gemini: This sign favors multiple identities. One for themselves, one for the bank, one for business partners, and one for the taxman. This multiple balance sheet method is well known to accounting professionals, who make their living providing software and pre-printed forms to accomodate the multiple balance sheet method. LIFO, FIFO, inventory made out of sand!

Gemini is a frequent visitor to the tax department, being investigated or fined. This gives them a good opportunity to lift letterhead, sabotage check tape calculators, or plant incriminating evidence on business rivals. In truth, they enjoy the mental challenge, both of fending off the inquisitor, and of stealing his wallet.

Accounting records that have passed through the creative hands of the Gemini are works of art. Flawless and free of error, but completely devoid of any relation to reality.

Cancer: Some pea under a walnut scheme involving property usually is the method of choice for this sign. Somehow, real estate enters into the picture. Only then, after the Cancerian gains some experience at this method, do they tumble upon the art and antiques techniques. Cancerians love to cheat the tax department using bogus antiques.

When the tax department shows up, wondering about the written off Ming vase or the broken silver spoon, the Cancerian starts to sweat. It is impressive how this sign just gets all sweaty. Even if they do not smoke, they crave a cigarette. Indeed, the Crab does not do interrogation very well.

The fears that exist in the minds of this sign are an order of magnitude larger than reality. After the sweat drenched Cancerian hands over a cheque for a nominal sum, after they wring out their underwear, they realize that their years of worry were for nought. Thats when they decide to try something really big.

Cancer does not enjoy money so much as what it can get them. There is no hordes of cash, but there will be coin collections, stamps, and furniture.

Leo: The King of the Zodiac enjoys the drama of tax evasion, discovery, evasion, and trial so much that they do not put much effort into method. This sign has a hidden agenda: they like to get caught so that they can defeat the tax department in some sort of public display. So, their evasion methods they pick up from mail order books, from the internet, or from overheard conversations on public transit.

Confronting the Leo is always a mistake for any would-be tax Gestapo. From the perfect choice of clothing, the weeping spouse and children in the waiting room, and the impeccable documents, it is a tough slug for any bureaucrat to put them behind bars. Ultimately, Leo usually has some minion or underling that confesses to the wrong doing and takes the rap.

It is hard to determine if a Leo is living beyond their means, because they usually always are, anyway. People give them gifts of gold, so all that glitter in their living room could be just a gift from an aunt, rather than the fruits of under reported income.

Virgo: This sign rarely consciously attempts income tax evasion. Their mastery of the relavant income tax laws, superior to the average tax inquisitor, allied to their mistaken belief that the revenue department actually follows its own rules, leads to some interesting scenarios. The rules state that they can do 'x', so off Virgo goes, amortizing capital expense, evaluating inventory, and carrying forward whatever.

Being hauled before the tax department makes Virgo angry. They know they followed the rules, and this little show trial is wasting their precious time. Never waste the time of a Virgo. This sign, if traumatized by the behavior of tax officials, will either join or fund some sort of survivalist group that is working towards the overthrow of the state.

Virgo will always have a stash of vitamins, asprin, and other over the counter medications stashed in a secret place. This sign always has something hidden in a toilet resevoir somewhere.

Libra: Since everyone else is cheating on their income tax, Libra thinks they should too. It is too much work, though. And it involves dirty, smeary ink and smudgy pencils. The numbers are boring, too. Unless Libra can find some minion to do the actual grubby accounting work, well, they just like to talk about cheating. It makes a pleasant diversion from gossip about infidelity, this gossip about larceny. Libra actually has the best world knowledge about income tax evasion. They just cannot be bothered to actually under-report, over-expense, or double enter. Ply them with gin, and you will learn a thing or two.

Sometimes, through computer error, bureaucratic incompetence, or the mischief of some malevolent planet, Libra gets summonsed to face the tax Gestapo. This is a crisis. What should one wear? Should you wear your nicer suit, or would that make you look like the greedy sort of person who does cheat? Perhaps one should dress a bit poor. Fewer baubles, maybe only one or two accessories. But, but, would that make you look like the sort of rogue that cheats on their taxes and dresses a bit poor to look like you do not cheat on your taxes.

To calm and soothe a Libra facing the tax people, fall to your knees and burst into tears. Tell them that they have to flee the country. They will stop worrying and giggle. They they are normal again.

Scorpio. It would be a lie to say that some Scorpions have never contemplated cheating on their taxes. Scorpio is really searching for transformative experiences, and if being the scourge of the tax department can do the trick, well, sign me up. Unfortunately, this sign only gets caught when they have some sort of subconscious drive to get caught. Its deep and murky and cold at those emotional depths.

As far as methods go, you cannot really pin a Scorpio down. Sure, not reporting some relatives death to keep on collecting the pension is usually pinned on this sign. Walling a hated co-worker up in the basement to listen to him beg for mercy could be considered a tax crime. But, tax evasion is really just some salad dressing in the great all you can eat buffet of crime that is the unhappy Scorpio.

Scorpio always enjoys facing a hostile prosecution. If they win, it is because they want to. If they lose, well, they are punishing themselves for something. In all cases, they are cool as ice.

Sagittarius: This sign cannot keep their mouth shut about whatever misdirection they are feeding the government. It may be a good angle, but they do tell on themselves. Over-reporting expenses is the natural course for this sign. Let other signs use non-existant assets; Sagittarius just likes to claim more taxi rides, office stationary, and claim that pub night is really a charitable donation. But loose lips sink ships ...

Faced with the inquisition, this sign just shrugs and pays the fine and moves on. Unless they are in the mood for a show trial. Sagittarius likes show trials. They make great speeches as they ride the tumbril to the guillotine. The clouds open and a light shines down upon them.

Having luck that would make other signs rather sour if they knew about it, Sagittarius has a wheel barrow of money waiting for their use in the astral plane.

Capricorn: If you meet a Capricorn that tells you that they do not cheat on their taxes they are lying. And, as far as criminal activities go, income tax evasion is small potatoes for this sign. What crime has this sign not indulged in to make a quick buck? Life is a commodity, and Capricorn is the broker.

A trip to the tax department is part of the cost of doing business. Kinda like having to put salt on your french fries, or wipe your shoes after you push someone into a pit of lime.

Aquarius: Your average Aquarian tax cheat prefers a combination of disappearing ink and its close friend, appearing ink. My, how those numbers change on the forms; how the addresses and amounts fade or grow. You can also expect to find forged receipts, creative letterheads, and doctored signatures. Regardless of the method, there is always an undertone of political rebellion. The numbers may be Aquarian made, but the address speaks of an agenda.

When the tax people realize that Jefferson Davis does not have an accounting firm, that the recipient of the charitable donations is a temple in Atlantis, or that the children claimed died of plague in the first century A.D. then the excitement begins. All Aquarians fantasize about shooting their way out of the tax office. Whatever resistance cell the sign is aligned with is forewarned and forearmed. Too bad the tax department does not know its staring role in the Escape from Gestapo Headquarters scenario that Aquarius has in mind. Oh well.

Pisces: The sign of the fish usually gets caught up in some other persons elaborate tax fraud. The first time, that is. After this eye opening experience, Pisces wises up and specializes in creating a sophisticated and elaborate illusion of some non-existant Mister Big - Mastermind of Crime who can take the rap. The money is never found, of course. Pisces has hidden their tracks too well ... who can see foot prints in water?

Facing interrogation is a skill Pisces develops in their youth. You have to be pretty resilient to get a grip on the slippery fish. This sign will often seduce their interrogator, or just drug them, or both.



see also Astrology and Murder

Astrology and Traffic Tie Ups

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.