Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2007

ARIES: Domestic issues take up your week with a extended period of debauchery. Your hands will be greasy, your shirt dripped with sauce, and your supply of contraceptives comprimised by purloining cousins (family, not Crips).

TAURUS: Being bigger and stronger never felt better, especially when your most recent victim is both smaller and weaker and in the plastic lined trunk of your roomy luxury sedan. Gangbangers should not urinate on your garden, not unless they want to become compost. Remember, two bags of lime, Taurus.

GEMINI: Same old, same old in the propaganda game this week, which bores you. Use a subterfuge to undermine a rival at work, but hold off on the poisoned cookies until Thursday. Count your scrabble tiles: someone has stolen a vowel.

CANCER: You are blessed with good weather, good friends, good times, and a good supply of baking supplies. You are quick of mind and words this week, and most things are in harmony with you. Enjoy.

LEO: A dog wags his tail when you meet on the street. You spot the spoor of eight gangbangers who have moved into a nearby neighbourhood.

VIRGO: The homeless person who has been sleeping in your garden shed discovers that your mastery of electricity combined with your strong property rights stand makes for a shocking change of perspective. Sponge out the crawling vermin with insecticide, and feed your roses some calcium.

LIBRA: You will run down a biker standing on the road at midnight on Tuesday. This will allow you to get your hands on another silencer for your .222. Explore your options in re-upholstery.

SCORPIO: Preparations for the human sacrifice on Saturday are going according to timetable. Feed the ants with their favorite treats, knowing that they will have a special meal during the midnight ritual.

SAGITTAURUS: Powerful Jupiter in your sign makes you lucky this week. Powerful forces, such as the law, academia, and the press all back down and show you their tail. A great week to make demands.

CAPRICORN: You are opposed by the daily powers that be ... nothing new for you, Capricorn. Wait for the traffic light to change, the clerk to notice you and your money, and for the neighbourhood gangbanger to catch a slug in the head. The pressure cooker is pounding up for your advantage.

AQUARIUS: Your fate this week is linked to that of the Spice Girls. Good news about them means good news for you. And, the restraining order against you from Pickle Spice expires this week, too. Aaaargh.

PISCES: A subconscious urge to walk in darkness leads to your meeting up with nocturnal devil worshippers who have access to plentiful supplies of good biker dope, Canadian beer, and easy virtue.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Confidential to Confined in Cambridge: Your escape into the high fashion world of fetish videos is completely invisible to those from your 'old life'. Aside from your little nephew who remarks that you smell like latex, all is secret. Re-invest your profits into the Hamburg housing market, pronto. Gather more copper.