Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2006

Aside from my personal life, which seems to involve restraining Fenris from encouraging the Evil Apprentice from using electroshock to turn his alcoholic roomates into specialty prostitutes, and of course bumping into minor demons who run militaria shops, things are quiet in the stars. Not that I am complaining. Whenever Fenris shows up with two bags of lime and talk about 'gardening', well, I think anyone would feel concerned. Last time this happened my favorite pair of Wellington boots (which I use in the garden) turned up covered with mud, grass, and lime. I found a finger under the drivers seat of my car. Mind you, Fenris did buy me a rather nice golden figurine of the Sphinx. Oh well.

If you are in the process of being evicted by your landlord, and one of the people who live close to you is an apprentice, your life is in danger. If you pass out drunk in your own urine on the sofa, you might wake up buried up to the neck in an ant hill. If you leave dirty dishes for days on end in the sink to feed your insect friends, do not be susprised if your next bottle of vodka is topped up with cyanide.

ARIES. Five planets in trine to your natal sign promise smooth sailing and excellent adventures this week. New romantic adventures are featured, so you can put that can of ether and the rags in the trunk.

TAURUS. You will discover an even more comfortable chair than the one you have now. Save up some food scraps for the less fortunate raccoons and skunks that are so hungry this time of year.

GEMINI. The collective mass of gurgling, diaper clad, dullards that is the collective entity that you find so maladjusted, stands between you and justice, sex, and good reading material. Consider yourself lucky if you only suffer small oppositions.

CANCER. You will win the lottery. This will happen right around the time that you reconcile yourself to a difficult situation.

LEO. Hopefully, when you read this, you will have realized that you are not the drunken wastrel that is in the process of being evicted from certain slow horrible death at the hands of an ingenious, cruel, and rather sinister co-habitant. If that is the case, then you have a quiet week of common oppression. Otherwise, you are doomed.

VIRGO. Burying your idiot bridge partner alive never seemed so attractive that it will this week. You are surrounded by bunglers and buffoons. Patience, Virgo. Be careful not to trip on a used, discarded condom on your way to your favourite place of fleshy pleasures.

LIBRA. Your suspicions that your neighbour is planning a midnight disposal of an obnoxious tenant is best left unexplored. This line of enquiry just opens a whole can of worms for Libra ... as in, what to wear? Few wardrobes could encompass suitable basics and accessories for clandestine internment chic. This absence of fashion will make you depressed for no reason. Pull down the blinds and shut your ears to the strangled screams.

SCORPIO. Your successes are beginning to be whispered about. Life begins to assume the routine it had back in the summer, except for the new car, the extra zero's on the pay cheque, and the steady diet of fetish sex. If anybody knew what you were up to, they would be jealous, oozing envy, and dipped in inadequacy.

SAGITTAURUS. This week, you conqueor. Your victorious legions advance across whatever field and crush the opposition like an eggshell under your boot. It feels good to win, and this week its all you, all the time.

CAPRICORN. If you feel the urge to slowly strangle someone while scowling into their eyes, watching their life ebb, perhaps you should count to ten first. Instead, plant drugs in their luggage when they travel to Turkey, or put Rogaine on their toilet paper. Patience Capricorn.

AQUARIUS. Others successes give you inspiration of victory of your own. A difficult problem is solved by osmosis.

PISCES. You will be a good friend to a person in a difficult situation. This will make your guardian angel smile upon you and your good works.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.