Horoscope for the week of January 13, 2008

You do not have much time left. Have you taken stock of your life in preparation for the transit of Pluto into Capricorn? The unexamined life is not worth living; and with Capricorn soon to be running things, you can rewrite that as The unexamined life is not worth keeping around. Ah, Capricorn: The sign where Mars is exalted. And when those Capricorns unleash Mars around you, will you be in their lengthy, detailed good books?

Aries: Your covert use of an Ouiji board to determine the whereabouts of a lost mechanical pencil will prove irksome when a noxious spirit from another planet takes up refugee status in your waste water drainage system.

Taurus: Run your credit cards up to the max and buy everybody on your special list presents that reflect your good taste and their special ways. As for the homeless person who spits on the sidewalk, give him a carrot.

Gemini: You will acquire a book that has not actually been read. In this book you will find a letter, forgotten. Check out the value of the stamp, and do research the identity of the signature. You are in for some good luck in this regard.

Cancer: The stove is running 'too hot'. Use your strange psychic powers to compensate. You will discover a new beverage which will put spring in your step. Wear something silver on Tuesday.

Leo: Ah, the perfection of being you. Both a member of the underclass and a member of the ruling gentry will seek the warmth of your presence. The bum will hit you up for a free drink; and the other will confess their inferiority in getting their paws on sex partners.

Virgo: Your subconscious has been warning you for a while about the true goings on at your local supermarket. The bread is never really fresh there. And the milk, often questionable. Open your eyes and take inventory of your cares.

Libra: You will receive an invitation to attend a delightful party. But, your escort of choice is hesitant to attend. Such is the fate of Libra, the sign always seeking equilibrium. By Thursday, your escort will have collapsed under your barrage of reasonable arguments.

Scorpio: Some people will realize that you have been right, all along. Enjoy their suffering, discomfort, and grovelling. Just wait until they hear the complete scenario. Someone at work admires your taste in shoes.

Sagittarius: An older relative will share some shocking news with you about who your real parents are. This is good ... you now qualify for victim status! Find an excuse to wear the royal purple. But do it tastefully.

Capricorn: That house of cards you call your financial empire is going to collapse unless you impose greater discipline upon your underlings. Reduce expenses by reducing food allowances on all your dungeon resident workers.

Aquarius: Since Valentines day falls in your sign, you should shift your carcass and begin some strategic planning. This Valentines day is going to be very important for you. Your rewards are proportional to your effort. Oh, and wear some sort of plaid undergarment, especially Friday.

Pisces: This week, your 'ahead of their time' insights into just about everything are greatly appreciated by the vulgar masses. As you watch their slack jawed expressions as you pour wisdom into their tablespoon sized intellects you will be tempted by The Dark Side.



Question of the Week: Fenris Badwulf, to whom nobody should answer if they value their soul, has pointed out that I am obligated to answer questions. Since I value the meager stipend that Iron Purse (that is, Fenris) dribbles out to me, I am now going to answer questions furthered to me, but only in the comments. Those with confidential questions about criminal acts, infidelity, or sharp business practices can continue to contact me through my e-mail or telephone with scrambler.

The Question: How do you, Sargon the Magnificent, come up with these weekly horoscopes?

The Answer: The lost sheep who disbelieve the influence of the planets on their lives would expect me to say that I make it up. Otherwise, what I do is use a form of remote viewing to access the infinite wisdom of the Cosmic (the Great Librarian of the FreeMasons, actually). It is similiar to automatic writing, or perhaps the seer stones of the Mormons. That is to say, I enter a waking trance and then the Higher Power details the exact words I am to write. Me, I am just a channel. So, I do not make it up; The Great Librarian makes it up.

The Answer to your next question which you have not yet asked me: I made a post a while back on remote viewing. That will get you started.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.