Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2007

Some of the stars you see twinkling in the peaceful night sky are the burning space ships of the Ulkron battle fleet, being annihilated some twenty thousand years ago. Plan to take in the glorious (and futile) torpedo attack of the 47th Cruiser Squadron on Tuesday night, around 11 pm. The pink tone to the twinkle is the iridium based particle beams cooking off a fusion drive.

ARIES: The next time you see a naked person running down the street will be on Tuesday. Resist the urge to stay behind, Aries. Strip off your clothes and join in the fun!

TAURUS: Your dark secret, that you secretly enjoy the flavor of the little bugs that you find in the garden fresh baby onions that you harvest from you beloved garden, is safe, as long as you do not tell your visiting Aunt what the secret is to your garden salad.

GEMINI: The can of Bear Spray that you keep in your car will prove useful on Thursday when a diseased vagrant attempts to clean your car window with dirty water at an urban intersection. Aim for the green teeth. Times like this makes commuting worthwhile. If you leave early, take a can of lighter fluid, too.

CANCER: Accept the sad inevitability that your collection of knick-knacks require urban renewal. Sort the heirlooms from the kitsch, and consign the dusty and drab to the flames. Browbeat your partner into digging a hole three feet by three feet by three feet for good luck.

LEO: The hot spell means cranky babies, chafing with diaper rash, dripping with sweat, and upset tum-tums ready to spew vomit. But then, along comes you to save the day. This week, Leo, you mere presence will calm the crying child, cool the sweaty brow, and soothe the grumbly tummy. Your friends are lucky to know you.

VIRGO: Cut extra hashish into the brownies. Wear something light blue, maybe socks, an accessory, or a corset, on your lucky day, Wednesday.

LIBRA: Your so-called friend will show up with a screaming brat instead of the promised baked goods for your long planned party on Saturday. Secret a brat sized cardboard box, along with duct tape and diapers, in the garage for your peace of mind.

SCORPIO: Your love affair with all things feline grows when you explore your cats love of eating insects alive. Do this in a quiet room and listen to the crunch and snap of thorax and carapace. Channel your inner Roman Emperor and let your kitty cat be your favourite gladiator.

SAGITTAURUS: You will have a vivid series of dreams this week that will provide insight into three things: something found, something lost, and a great stock market investment. If you wake up in darkness on Thursday, and you hear a clock ticking, you have transited into a parallel dimension. Hide under the covers and count to thirteen, and you will come back to where you belong.

CAPRICORN: A precious amulet will fall into your possession; the persons giving it to you are unaware of its strange occult properties. Exploit your new found powers by turning your underperforming financial advisor into a turtle.

AQUARIUS: Rob a knitting supply store for kicks on Wednesday. Take the money and the angora yarn. Call your cousin on Thursday.

PISCES: Taking your keys to a car never felt so good as on your shopping day this week. Your are the avenging angel of the Heavenly Host that protects cars in parking lots and their middle class owners. Savor the feeling of power.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this