Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2008

The sign of Pisces is associated with the Twelfth house of the Zodiac, which is called the House of Self-Undoing. A better description is the House of Secrets, that being The Place where Power hides itself to make itself secure. Power is not a risk free commodity. It will bite you, and manifest in the Hospitals and Prisons ruled by this House; it can also manifest as The Guardian Angel, and the healing and rehabilitation represented by Hospitals and Prisons. So, be a good custodian of your wealth, knowledge, or talents, for it is here during this time that the Sun transits Pisces that judgements are made.

Aries: You will come to a sudden realization that you have forgotten all about that steamer trunk full of money you have hidden. Your ability to fool lie detectors extends to blocking out your own memories of the crafty way you robbed your drug dealing neighbour of his months of drug profits. Take the cash out to air … it is getting musty.

Taurus: Yes, it is a good idea to rob the bank. Take advantage of your inside knowledge of the habits of those oh, so complacent custodians of all that leafy green cash and coin to help yourself to a sack of money. Only take one bag … two will hurt your back. And, celebrate with a nice meal and an evening of no dishes to do. It will take three weeks for the sloppy accountants at Sleepy Bank to discover the missing bale of greenbacks.

Gemini: This habit of running naked through the house will continue this week. And, to the extent that you have been performing this liberating ritual, pagans from a secretive pagan sect (which worships the divine in the form of a Moose) will come in contact with you. They will invite you to join their naked rituals this weekend, so free up your social schedule.

Cancer: The realization that you are a better cook, chef, and bottle washer than the local shoveller of foodstuffs will come to you suddenly early this week. You will feel a little sad … if only they could bottle your rich creamy goodness and sell it by the can. Alas. However, on Wednesday, the divine power of your ability to channel the life force into even the most meagre can of beans will bring a smile to your heart.

Leo: The closer you get to the Sun (as in altitude) will be proportional to the cleansing of your body of any lingering coughs or aches brought about by contact with small children or flea infested pets of foul tempered trolls. Air travel would be a bonus, if you can arrange it. What the heck, steal a car and fly to Los Vegas. If you must enter a mine, stay as close to the explosives as you can, or carry a golden amulet of any design.

Virgo: Do not be embarrassed when you step on a co-workers glass eye. The crunch tells you that your taste for sensible footwear has paid off in spades. Let this lighten your heart and vindicate your correct opinions on comfy cushion insoles and proper use of baby powder for keeping the toes dry and fungus free.

Libra: A reconnaissance in force to a discount clothing bargain barn will reward you with a rich harvest of expensive fashions at a sliver of their price. In the pocket of one find you will find a business card that will become more valuable to you in weeks to come. And, of course, keep stuffing Income Tax documents into that shoe box.

Scorpio: A new project starts for you this week. You will find a lost knife. Coins placed in a jar will reproduce into more coins. While others are becoming despondent over the weather, look to see how it is advancing your agenda.

Sagittarius: You can silence the complaints of someone with bad breath with a punch to the throat. Just tap them on the larynx, followed by an upper cut to the solar plexus. While they practice not breathing, you can fill out whatever piece of paper is required. People should not waste your valuable time this week if they value their ability to breathe.

Capricorn: If you eat chicken this week, you will notice how the sound of popping and dismembering chicken bones is so similar to the sound of popping and dismembering the fingers of your last, late lamented business rival, the one who tried to cheat you in that Magnesium trade on the commodities market. This will put you off your feed, especially if you are dining with Mom and Dad. Yes, it is one of those rare episodes of being aware of others suffering and not enjoying it. Have the beef, or perhaps the salad instead.

Aquarius: Your month of decadent sexual adventure is only into its second week. Indeed, you are at the all you can eat banquet of sensual delights, erotic treats, and other slippery fun. Between your discovery of the erotica of shoes (Wednesday) to the sensuality of costumes (Saturday), you should keep up your intake of liquids as you are prone to dehydration. And do acquire a pair of ear plugs, as Sunday’s treat might just damage your ear drums with all that screaming.

Pisces: You will find an object of great value when you are in a public place. Only you will recognize it when it is still in its protective covering. Carry it off to a place of quiet and solitude for investigation. This should all happen before you stub your toe on Saturday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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