Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2007

This is the last complete month before Pluto transits into Capricorn. As such, it is the time that steaming cracks appear in the earth. In places, the earth rises, and there are deep grumbles from deep in the earth. You can spin this as Global Warming, Obesity, or the lingering effects of Colonialism in Africa; better to call a volcano a volcano. Anyway, you got your month.

Aries: Another aspect of being the leader of the zodiac is that of waiting around for others to screw up, then sweep in to solve the problem, get the cigar, the sexy babe, and the wheelbarrow of cash. So, you must watch the painful exercises in dullardism from now until Thursday. Friday, you win.\

Taurus: People do not really know how much volume of foodstuffs you can compact into your extensive digestive tract. The eats are better with those that celebrate Christmas, not Festival Season. You run the risk of being poisoned by some knock off Festival Season treats on Tuesday, anyway.

Gemini: A new face in the variety store means you get to count your change again, again. Although the new guy is a cousin of the old guy, his embrace of Canadian culture does not extend to honesty. It is optional where he comes from, so you better get busy appeasing. Better yet, shop elsewhere.

Cancer: Yes, you are gaining weight. You have not stopped eating, and this increase in volume of input by a factor of three may be the culprit. So, who cares? Agitate for free public health care that includes liposuction.

Leo: There is something about screaming, barfing children, over-gorged on strange food, that calls for Leo. Your mere presence brings calmness to the hyperactive, and quiets the over churned stomach of most children. Babies smile, and fall asleep around the King of the Zodiac. Lucky to be you, Leo.

Virgo: Stores that never existed before will appear to sell you exactly what you are looking for. Exotic tea? Specialty kitchen cutlery? Medieval weapons for re-enactment enthusiasts? All there. You will enjoy spending money on Wednesday.

Libra: Something is missing in your life, this week. Indeed, where is that former lover of yours? Although you have many (and tell few), you will have many evoked memories of this one (described by you in unflattering terms), which will then lead to you getting somewhat weepy and contrite among all the prickly holly and refreshing pine. All in your mind, with very little showing on your perfectly composed person.

Scorpio: The Christmas season sparks up with three levels of meaning for you. There is a stronger undercurrent of ominous foreboding this year. Your ability to 'see into people' is increasing: the tragic elements of some tinsel clad events speaks to your heart. The quietest voice is one of a powerful force, that acts behind the scenes towards a great purpose.

Sagittarius: You are center of attention of three circuses. You will experience a sensation like walking through water as you transit from one sphere to another. In each area, your outer persona is different; and you will realize this as a flash of insight.

Capricorn: What better way to spend the days before your coup than by allowing yourself to enjoy Christmas shopping and gathering? It is not part of your grim repetoire, but, well, as the timer ticks down to Tora! Tora! Tora! maybe you should check out the chocolate selection.

Aquarius: You will develop the ability to feel peace and contentment in large crowds and around communting herds. An aggressive selection of comfortable clothes will stand you in good stead. And get some comfy inserts for your shoes, too.

Pisces: Your vulgar co-workers will reveal a mastery of vulgar terms for gymnasitic and unhygenic sexual acts that will both shock and amaze you. Your sense of purpose in an ordered universe will remain serene; by Thursday you will have classifed this new knowledge.

Only I, Sargon the Magnificent, can write this.