Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2007

Aries: The quick step march you hear is the sound of money flowing into your hands. Listen for it, Billy Boy. You are the pioneer of the zodiac, so look forward. Let the followers follow. You get to lead this week, every week.

Taurus: Ah, the contentment of expensive liquor, tasty grub, and a trained love slave waiting in the sack. The comforts of the flesh are yours this week, Taurus. It is summer in your private kingdom, and no signs of peasant revolt.

Gemini: No opposition worthy of your wits waits for you this week. Which is boring, but good for your ego.

Cancer: Good quality sex, minor intrigues, and the lesser pleasures of insect extermination are in the stars for Cancer this week. The intrigue involves other people, rather distant in time, space, and emotional connection.

Leo: Last weeks victory has given you the taste of victory. You are Napoleon, returning from Italy. Don the republican tricolor, but plan your Imperial palace. Look deep into your heart, and you know this is so. Perhaps you should secretly search for a praetorian prefect.

Virgo: Some people sing of mountains and valleys. This week, you savor the uniquely mercurial pleasures of order and good administration. Marshal your paper clips, your staples, and inventory your colored folders.

Libra: Others seeking equilibrium will bring chaos, anger, and poor taste into your front room of perfection. Especially on garbage day. While burning them alive is tempting, it will interfere with your enjoyment of your view from the patio. Just pretend that you are not home. Let them suffer, elsewhere.

Scorpio: Monday is the day when you will have an incredible connection with The People. Expect the same in 28 days, for that matter. Verbal agility is strong this week, too. Do not let the fact that some do not listen annoy you: it is their way of letting you know that they are dullards.

Sagittaurus: No one ever complained on their death bed that they did not work enough. Maybe it is time to change that, and this is your project for the week. More zombies means more cash flow for you, and more taxes for social programs.

Capricorn: Your plans for world domination embrace the recruiting and training of a new satrap this week. If you see the doctor on Thursday, you will find a finger in the waste basket. Be discrete, and say nothing.

Aquarius: An exciting development in your ability to hypnotize customers, staff, and your boss, occurs on Wednesday. Make them crawl, and fetch you caramel latte. Gloating is good for the soul.

Pisces: The normal sort of strange things that occur in quiet places filled with thinking people occur this week. Except your acute hearing detects the quiet footfall of Bubastis, the Cat god. Offer up an offering. Favor the color aquamarine in your ritual.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Confidential to Conrad in Chicago: Your secret admirer has made contact with a prison based cult that worships both capitalism and the mysterious 'Charlie'. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. You have friends who are angry that you have been messed with. Payback time starts in September.