Interpreting Yahoo Personals

What she says:

All Woman seeks Gentleman of substance, savoir faire, authenticity, great communication skills, creativity, humor and kingly means.

I love fine wining and dining... and balance with yoga, workin out and wholistic health regimes.

I'm sophisticated, well traveled, sensitive, sensual, generous, intelligent and very romantic.

What she really means:

I am a high-maintenance hippy slut who is only after your money. I am a colossal pain in the ass who will yip and nag you, until eventually you will either shoot yourself in the face to end your misery or smother me with a pillow as I sleep.

I like to drink wine, it makes me even more talkative than when I'm sober. I love to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. I always talk shit, and enjoy interrupting you so I can talk more shit. You will lose all your friends and family because of me, and there is no doubt you will resent and hate me after a short period of time.

I'm into yoga, so that means I can put my feet behind my ears. At the beginning you will find this a massive turn-on, but after a week or so you will constantly have a smell in your nose of burning fish.

Remember that ugly girl in grade two who everyone despised and pelted with rotten fruit? That was me. I hate myself.