Yahoo Personals Interpreted

I will now attempt to interpret another Yahoo Personal, and this time I chose a (random) woman from the lovely city of Peterboro, Ontario.

I'm a 5'5, slightly overweight single woman, who is looking for a man between the ages of 25-45.

I would describe myself as a confident, independent, friendly woman with a strong sense of self who knows what she wants out of life and is not into playing the head games. I have a great sense of humor and at times can be sarcastic but, not to worry I can take it as well as give it.

I am passionate about my career and also of that special someone who I love to spend time with. I place great importance on my family values and have been blessed with a circle of friends who mean the world to me.

My ideal match is social and outgoing. He would feel free to express himself and is able to communicate, be honest, and trusting those are just some of the key things that go along way in a relationship for me. There is no time for drama or games just reality. Someone who has a good sense of what he wants out of life and be happy with who he is.

What this really means...

I'm 5' nothing and weigh in the neighborhood of a zillion pounds. I can't see my feet or touch my own back. I'm a dirty pig, and water hasn't touched my back since 1998.

I can spit between the giant space in my buck teeth, and I have a tail. I sell advertising for EBay on my enormous ass, and I can often be found in the local K-Mart restaurant snorting chopped up lightbulbs through a twisty straw. I can't physically wipe my own ass, and it really hurts to walk, therefore, I don't walk anymore. My breasts are so large that I now rent them out as speed bags at the local boxing gym.

My feet smell like rotten cheese, and I feel sorry for myself.

I'm independent, only because no one can stand being around me. It is physically impossible for me to shut my big mouth for more than 3 seconds at a time, my doctor attributes this not so much to the fact that I have ADD, but more to the fact that I'm a really annoying bitch. I constantly talk about my job, to the point where you'll want to shove a chop stick in your ear just to make the noise go away.

I am passionate about my career because I have nothing else to live for. I work at the Yarn Barn, and I am the assistant to the assistant manager's assistant.

I enjoy watching The Price is Right and yelling out the word "LOWER!" at the TV. I like drinking motor oil and eating roadkill. I use to smear peanut butter on my vagina and have sex with my pet llama, but he jumped off a bridge shortly after his second encounter with me. His suicide note said he had nothing to live for.

My ideal man is someone who has no sense of smell or touch. I'm looking for a man who doesn't appreciate dental hygiene, and won't gnaw off his arm when he wakes up next to me. I'll pay any man alive $75 to clip my toenails.

If you are reading this, you are probably far too educated to go out with me. However, if by chance you lost a cruel bet, then give me a call.