How To Be The Bestest Father in The Whole Wide World--5 Awesome Tips

As most of you are aware by now, I'm a great fan of top 10 lists and the various self-improvement lists that are constantly circulating through all the tubes and wires that make up the internets. That is why I was so excited when I stumbled across, "How to be a great dad, 12 Awesome tips". What really shook me from my foundation is the fact that there really were 12 awesome tips, things fathers would never figure out on their own.

Like, "Play with them". That's right, according to the article, in order to be a great dad you should play with your children. You see, I never knew that. I just generally tie a milkbone around my kids necks and let my rottie play with them.

Another great way to be a super-duper father is to "Protect them". According to the very wise article, you should not only child-proof your home to protect your child, you should also protect them financially. I can nearly see all the heads bobbing up and down in agreement.

There are another 10 awesome ways to be a great dad left, but I don't want to spoil your reading enjoyment, so I'll just leave it for you to explore.

After I read that amazingly truthful article, I decided to come up with my own list on how to be a great dad. I call this piece, "How to be a greater dad than that idiot who came up with the *How to be a great dad* article. 6 Fucking awesome ways".

Let's get to 'er....

1) Feed your child. Apparently, children like food. In order for them to grow, they need nourishment, this is where you can help. By feeding the little rapscallions, they will eventually grow into adults and lead healthy and productive lives. Without food, they'll die.

2) Clothe them. According to a 2005 survey, children that wear clothes are 34% less likely to be ridiculed and teased at school. In Moslem countries, they are 100% less likely to be stoned to death.

3) Speak to your child. And when I say speak to them, I don't mean yelling, "Down in front!!" or "get me a beer". Try talking to them like they're actually human. Hahaha, judgement call.

4) Teach your child hygiene. Everyone hates smelly kids. It very well might be that your child is receiving beatings every day from classmates because your kid stinks. Teach Pepe Le Pew good soaping and bathing habits, it'll go a long way. Not only will it help your child's self-esteem not to be beaten like Tina Turner, but it will help control that nasty house fly problem you have, you dirty pig.

5) Randomly smack around some street urchin in front of your kidlet. The world is tough, your child needs to learn that. The world has no room for timid, weak kids, the world will strip them to the bone like Rosie O'Donnell on a chicken wing. Your kid needs to learn the #1 lesson in life: When the world gives you lemons, stick those lemons up the next guys ass and rob him of his wealth.

There you go, you're welcome.

There are three types of dads in this world, bad dads, good dads, and great dads. Which one do you want to be? Don't answer that, I could hardly care less. My point is, if you want to be a great dad, stop acting like a sheep and institute a few of those pearls I just handed you, or get use to unwedging the underwear out of your kids ass every day.