Paris Hilton for President

If you want to waste 2 minutes of your life, be sure to check out Paris Hilton's response to John McCain's campaign ad where he compares Barack Obama to dimwitted celebrities. Honestly, scooping out the cat's litter box is more entertaining.

Paris Hilton Loves All Four African Countries

Paris Hilton was in South Africa over the weekend with boyfriend Benji Madden of Good Charlotte, when a reporter asked her what she thought of South Africa:

“I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

I guess it's safe to say she's not a big fan of the countries East Africa and North Africa. From what I hear, she thinks that East African kids need to eat more and take more baths...the little beggars are really dirty and quite skinny.

That would explain all the flies...

Paris To Visit Rwanda

Paris Hilton is planning a trip to Rwanda in November to draw attention to the plight of world poverty:

"There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help," she said.

Some people have insinuated that the only reason Paris is going to Rwanda is because she thinks there is a Hutu and the Blowfish concert that is being sponsored by the makers of Tootsi Rolls. If this is true then she is in for a huge surprise.

While I applaud Paris for going to Rwanda to bring awareness to poverty, these kind of humanitarian expeditions can blow up in your face. Like the time I went to Ethiopia to bring attention to world hunger. I got such a negative response that it actually hurt my feelings. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I made my speech in a small village while eating a cheeseburger and large fries. But c'mon, I was starving, it was like 4 hours since the last time I ate.

A night in Paris

Paris Hilton Wants A Baby

In an interview with Jackie Collins for Elle magazine, Paris Hilton says that she wants to have kids--and soon:

"I wanna have like a family and a guy," she tells Collins, a lifelong family friend, in the Q&A. "Y'know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it."

Still, the 26-year-old isn't letting the haters get her down—or get in the way of a good plan.

"I just started working out and it feels great," she said. "It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready."

If Paris is planning to have a kid next year, and she doesn't have any significant other on the go as of right now......ya, scary, eh?

I was talking to Paris about this last month. She confided in me that she wants to find a good man and settle down, have some kids, the white picket fence, all that jazz. I told her that she doesn't need a man to get pregnant, she can be artificially inseminated. She said, artificially inseed-demon-what?

So I explained it to her. You take my sperm and insert it in your mouth. It has to be directly from the hose though, no exceptions.

Hmmmm, why not just go straight into the vagina? She asked.

Because I don't want to die.

Okay, artificially inseed-demon-me then.

In five months when she figures this out she's going to be pissed

Paris Hilton In German GQ

So, GQ Germany claims it's the most widely read German men's magazine, yet it states clearly on the cover: "55 pages of fashion--What you should buy". How the mighty have fallen.

Paris looks good though. It seems the German's have a thing about Paris. Yup, once they're into Paris, it's hard to get them out. Thank you, I'll be here all night.



My German is a bit rusty, but I'm nearly positive that says, "We all have to save energy. That's why I'm negotiating with the motor companies to release a cool designed hybrid".

God help us all if that is true. Can you imagine the Paris hybrid? It would be like the ultimate retard car ever designed. I'm thinking it would look something like the car Homer designed for his brothers car company in the Simpson's, except with a monstrous backseat for ultimate comfy humpings.

Free man in Paris

Initially I was going to do a weekly Paris Hilton diary from jail....however, as many of you may already know, she was released today to 40 days of house arrest instead. So, you will have to enjoy the abbreviated version of her three day stay in the slammer.

Day 1 excerpts:
8:00 AM- Paris checks in and thankfully doesn’t have to submit to a full body cavity search; a project her fellow inmates will no doubt examine at a later time.
8:01 AM- Paris cries for the first time.
8:05 AM- Paris asks if the jump-suits come in another colour other than flat, fall pumpkin citrus?
8:05:15 AM- When informed they also come in orange, Paris cries again.
8:21 AM- Paris is aghast at the limited closet space and wants to know when she’ll be seeing the rest of her accommodations?
8:22 AM- Informed that the closet is her cell, Paris cries.
9:15 AM- Paris asks for a Perrier with a lemon twist.
9:16 AM- When informed she has perfectly good water located in her toilet, Paris cries and spends much of the rest of the day crying.

Day 2 excerpts:

7:00 AM- The bidding begins and Paris is sold to Big Bertha for a pack of smokes and a tube of lip gloss.
7:01 AM- Paris spends the rest of the day crying and hiding under her bunk while Big Bertha runs to grease up her fist.
10:17 PM- Paris complains of being cold and asks for another blanket.
10:22 PM- Guards deliver the blanket- made from the jagged-ass-wool from around a sheep’s anus.
10:22:02 PM- Paris cries.

Day 3 excerpts:

9:01 AM- Paris gets a visit from her Lawyer and her Psychiatrist. It is determined that Paris will be released to serve out her sentence in the confines of her 9,000 square foot home, but will have to wear a monitoring ankle bracelet.
9:02 AM- Paris asks how many diamonds are on the bracelet?
9:03 AM- When informed none, Paris cries and is escorted home.

* Apparently her early release was due to an unspecified medical reasons.

I’m no doctor, but I didn’t think having a fist pumped repeatedly into your vagina was classified as a medical reason?

Personally I am so outraged by this blatant two-tiered justice system for the rich that if I could afford to stay in the Hilton, I wouldn't, just to protest. I'd say "That's the last time you'll ever find me in a Hilton", which of course is what Big Bertha said too. *snare/cymbal*

Truth is stranger than Strange

Paris Hilton Has Escaped From Jail

I'm kidding, of course, escaping from jail would actually mean Paris would have to do something other than standing like a statue and saying, "That's hot!"

Law enforcements have told TMZ that Paris Hilton was released from prison today due to a medical condition:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, and that's why she was released early this morning.

When the news first broke this morning that Paris Hilton was released from jail due to a medical condition, I'm sure most of us thought, how can a person be released from prison just because they have herpes? Herpes be damned, Paris has REAL problems.

I'm not sure that letting a person out of jail because they're on the verge of a nervous breakdown is setting a good precedent. "My Jones, you have killed 5 people in cold blood, you have raped half of Pennsylvania, but seeing as though you're looking a little twitchy, why don't you go home and get a good night sleep". Yaaaaaaa, I'm not so sure that's sending the right message.

TMZ--Don't let them catch you

You Should Feel Sorry For Paris Hilton

A few weeks before her sentencing, Paris Hilton was photographed smoking a little ganja while backstage at last month's Coachella music festival.

While this really isn't news, other than the fact that we now have a picture of her smoking pot instead of the usual pictures of her smoking a bone, I found this part of the article pretty funny:

The online Free Paris Hilton petition has gathered more than 25,000 signatures - but unfortunately for the reality TV star, a rival campaign, Jail Paris Hilton, is twice as popular, with more than 60,000 supporters.

It's funny because I have a good source that told me that TH III, MACCO, all fellow Mitchievillian's, have voted at least 2000 each to have Paris incarcerated.

Sadly, Jihad Jimmy voted 3700 times to have Paris freed. Then again, he's always been a sucker for dirty blonde's...and it doesn't get any dirtier than Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail

Paris Hilton is seen here with her father, leaving the Los Angeles Municipal Court after being sentenced to 45 days of jail time in the county clink. No having her assistant pick up trash for her while she holds her little yappy dog doing community service. No diamond studded ankle bracelet confining her to her mansion. Paris must go behind bars.

The average person will find it a little hard not to feel sorry for Paris. I, on the other hand, only feel sorry for the prisoners at the jail where this coke-snortin', herpe circus is going to be spreading her infections and diseases. These are prisoners for God's sake, not human petri dishes.

That's Hot!

The New Paris Hilton T-Shirt

For the love of everything holy, someone please buy me this.

Courtesy of Fugly

Paris Hilton Arrested on Drunk Driving Charge

Paris Hilton was arrested early Thursday morning in Hollyweird and charged with driving under the influence:

TMZ has learned LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM and stopped her. They believed she exhibited signs of intoxication. We're told they administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.

Paris was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was booked. The officers who stopped the car did not know it was Paris Hilton until they approached the vehicle on foot. Police sources say she was cooperative. Paris had a passenger in the car, Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter.

Paris' boyfriend, Kevin Connolly, Nicky Hilton and Paris' publicist, Elliot Mintz, arrived at the police station shortly before 2am, where Hilton was released on her own recognizance. Mintz goes on to explain:

He said she had a single drink a margarita the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station.TMZ spoke with Paris as she was driving home from jail, stopping for Parliament Lights cigarettes en route. She says she regrets it occurred, and adds that she has been up for 24 hours, having shot a music video all day.

Driving under the influence in a misdemeanor in California, which means Paris doesn't face jail time, although she could face llicenseer licence for 90 days and ordered to attend an alcohol program.

So, Mintz is claiming that Paris only had one drink and still blew .08? The only way I believe that is if the drink was served to Paris in a keg.

For video and more news about Paris and her drinkie drinkie problem, visit TMX

Paris Hilton is Selling Her Crap

Paris Hilton is renovating her digs, and is auctioning off her furniture online:

…even Hilton’s scratched headboard and mattress are part of the sale of the top item. She says, “The bed is hers, the mattress is hers, the boxspring is hers… The bed is hot.

Some people are calling this the sale of the century. Health officials are calling this *The Chlamydia on springs, scratch yourself raw until your penis shrivels up like a hot-dog that has been lying on the sidewalk in the sweltering heat sale*. Either way, if the dust mites don’t get ya, the crabs certainly will.

Thanks to The Mitch and Famous, the second greatest site on the internets.

Paris Hilton...Oh, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Paris Hilton is concerned about her "fun time". I know that I for one, have been thinking that Paris just doesn't seem to have time to do anything fun anymore. What, with her yachting in Saint-Tropez, pole-dancing at the VIP Room nightclub, eating at the finest restaurants in the world and her countless shopping sprees who has time for fun.

Having seen the trouble Lindsay's been in for her all-night partying, Paris has demanded a "fun time" clause in all future film and music projects."She's young, she works hard, so she needs her time to let her hair down without the threat of being sued for it. She is currently negotiating over a movie role that will include provision for 'fun time' in her working schedule to avoid any misunderstandings either way."

I can understand her dilemma, having never worked a day in her life, the thought of 2 or 3 consecutive days in a row without a break must be very frightening, almost as frightening as seeing Paris Hilton try to act in another movie.

That's All They Really Want...Just Fuuuuun...

Gossip By Luvy Famous

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton...Am I Seeing Double!

I can't help feeling a little sorry for Nicole Richie. She has been what guys always refer to when describing two girls as "the ugly fat friend". The other girl in this case is Paris Hilton. Nicole went from being a fairly well-adjusted daughter of a star to an anorexic, Paris wannabe. She is now super-skinny..like Paris, she has long platinum blond hair...like Paris and to pull another copy-cat move, she is now coming out with a music CD...like Paris.

I know what you are thinking...at least she can probably sing, I mean her father is Lionel Richie. Guess again, she is adopted.

Nicole Richie is launching a pop career. The Simple Life star is following in her former best friend Paris Hilton's footsteps and bringing out an album. Nicole, the adopted daughter of 80s pop legend Lionel Richie, claims she already has six tracks ready for the record.

Let's just be thankful that with recording studios the way there are today, they could make a voice that sounds like nails running down a chalkboard sound good with enough re-recordings and special effects.
So these two self-indulged, "money can buy me a recording contract", teenage-like divas, can delight us with their questionable musical talents.

Diva Screechings!

Reported by Special Agent Nikita

Paris Hilton Swears Off Sex

And the 18th sign of the apocalypse appears:

Paris Hilton is giving up sex for a year. The hotel heiress has imposed the ban on herself because she is convinced that abstaining from all carnal activity will help her to rediscover herself. She said: I'm doing it just because I want to. I feel I'm becoming stronger as a person. Every time I have a boyfriend, I'm just so romantic, and I'll put all my energy into the guy, and I don't really pay attention to myself.

How will all the dirty, diseased penis' react to this? Not well, I suppose. Fortunately, Paris has no concept of time and thinks that one year is tomorrow, so everything should be just peachy in about 24 hours.

Maybe I've been too hard on Paris lately. Maybe I haven't been hard enough on her, history will judge me accordingly. See what I did there? I filled up a complete sentence with filler, I added nothing to the post or to the article. Am I pleased with what I have done? On the contrary, I'm deeply embarrassed. Then again, you can't seem to stop reading this drivle, it's really sad when you think about it. Here's me typing absolute nonsense, and you can't stop reading it. That's shameful.

There's nothing here either, the post ended ages ago. Seriously, this is just another line full of crap. This is proof positive that you'll read anything I type. For God's sake, this joke has gone on long enough. Stop reading this garbage.

Don't let this link fool you, it's also crap

Paris Promotes Diamondquest

These are the things that The Mayor lives for:

LOS ANGELES-Paris Hilton unveiled her new video game on Thursday, but inexplicably called it by the wrong name as she greeted throngs of fans and photographers.

Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam."

"Sorry I'm late," the heiress said. "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game," she said.

On the bright side, Paris can now sign her name with a pen instead of a crayon, and she no longer signs her name with a giant *X*, but has learned to sign it with a giant *P*.

I don't like you in that way, but I do like you in this way

Something Happened to What's Her Face and Some Other Chick

I didn't really want to post this, but The Little Danish Girl is watching Will & Grace, so it was either watching that shit and slicing up my wrists, killing The Little Danish Girl, or posting this trash. And since the blade of my knife actually broke when I jammed it into my wrist, I suppose I have to post this nonsense:

Partying heiress Hilton and shipping heir Niarchos have reportedly split but just hours after Hilton recently left the U.S. for Australia, Niarchos was spotted “sipping cocktails and dirty dancing at L.A. club Element with Lohan, according to Life & Style.

Lindsay was all over Stavros, a bartender told the mag. At one point, he had his hand up her skirt! Three days later, Stavros was reportedly seen leaving Lohan's room at the Chateau Marmont.

This is the final evidence I needed to prove my theory: Greek men won't stop touching filthy women until their bodies are wracked with STD's and their penis' fall off. There's no other explanation for it.

You see, shipping heirs are just about the richest motherfuckers in the universe, they could buy 400 million foreign virgins if they wanted to, but instead they opt for screwing herpe machines that have seen more meat that an IGA deli.

I don't get it, and hopefully I never will.

Lindsay and Paris and Greek's and...who cares?

Pearls From Paris

Whenever I'm having a bad day, all it takes for me to cheer up are a few words from this delicate little rose-petal:

The blonde socialite - renowned for her love of partying - likes the way she looks when she sparks up a cigarette.

She said: "Smoking is so sexy.

"It's like so cool how you all smoke everywhere in the UK."

I know that most of you have just read that quote and are now saying to yourself what a complete idiot Paris Hilton is, and although she is most of the time, this time she's actually correct.

I love women smokers, they're as sexy as hell. Granted, women are only sexy when they smoke up to the age of about 25. After that, their voices start sounding like a DJ at any stripper bar, all raspy and throaty. But young smokers? Sexy.As.Hell.

Maybe I find they're so sexy because I know if I ever dated them that they would be dead in a decade or so and I'd collect the insurance, I'm not sure. Although, I think I find them sexy because they look so fucking cool and mature. Oh ya, and so slutty. Young girls that smoke look like little sluts, and to me, that's a fantastic look.

I know that most of you don't smoke, and smoking probably disgusts you, but I have scientific proof that women who smoke tend to drink more, and women that drink more tend to pass out more. And women that tend to pass out more tend to have sex with older guys that have fetishes about young sluts that smoke. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.

Anyway, Paris is right, long live smoking sluts.

Oh Paris, lead us to the promised land

The Simpletons Life

That's a first, I tried to upload this picture and I got a *Herpe 404* message. Wut up wit dat?

Paris Hilton is in the news again, this time blasting one time best friend Nicole Richie:

"She cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her.

"It breaks my heart. She was my sister. She was the funniest, best person to be around and then she let fame go to her head.

"She's not the same person any more. I never want to speak to her again -- ever."

Of Richie's recent weight loss, Hilton laments, "That's not normal. I can't believe it. She looks horrible. It's really sad."

Truth be told, Nicole Richie has never looked better in her simple life, the weight loss has done wonders for her. Sure, having sex with Nicole would be equivalent to screwing a pearl necklace, but who among us hasn't fantasized about screwing a pearl necklace?

Although I think Paris Hilton is absolutely stunning, and my heart breaks for the future Wal-Mart greeter, I think she's more upset at Nicole out of simple jealousy. Perhaps Paris is upset that Nicole is officially disease free, where as Paris has more contamination running through her than a generation of Chernobyl kids. The green eye of jealousy is a powerful thing.

I'm sure Paris' outbreak has nothing to do with the fact that The Simple Life 4 will be out shortly, and this is just another Hollyweird promotional stunt designed to work up viewers into a frenzy. Yup, I'm sure that's not the reason at all.

Paris and Nicole truly lead a simple life

Paris Hilton to Play Mother Theresa

And yet more proof that God has an incredible sense of humour, Paris Hilton has been chosen to play Mother Theresa in an upcoming biopic:

"My agents in California have contacted Paris Hilton. I think she'll be a hit," he explained.

Hilton explained, "It's such an honour. I'm so excited. I really want to learn more about this amazing woman, so that's what I'm doing in a few months."

In preparation for the role, Paris is apparently joining the Order of Mother Teresa missionaries, and will travel around Bangalore and Calcutta to care for the sick.

Considering that Paris Hilton has to have someone feed her, it will be a real treat to watch when the time comes for her to actually feed the hungry and dying.

I'm sure most destitute, starving, homeless Calcutta children will appreciate the many muff shots and nip-slips Paris will be giving them, but chances are they would really prefer 500 calories of rice instead. I can nearly hear Babboo now... "Yes, that is one fine nipple you have there madam, but for the love of Krishna, please put that spoon to my god-damned mouth before I expire".

Paris is Mother Theresa, and I'm the Pope

Praise be to Use My Computer for letting me borrow this picture of Petra Nemcova. I know most of you are sick of looking at Paris, so there ya go.