The Turpentine Commission

One of the most important aspects of activism is making sure that fairness occurs. The level playing field requires a bulldozer. And what better way than to see that one of Mitchieville's most responsible citizens receives the appreciation he deserves.

Thurston Howell the Third is a tireless supporter of politically correct causes and, of course, an church elder of the cult of Set, the Snake God. Thurston is a pillar of our community here in Mitchieville. And what better person to chair the crucial Turpentine Commission?

The Turpentine Commission. Responsible to oversee the production of this strategic resource, so crucial to the production of wood preservation products, scented bath candles, and pickle spice mixtures. Strategic weapons are also produced from turpentine, particularly the secret weapon 'Greek Fire' (not the Gay Pride drink found in Toronto), which would be important in the destruction of the American fleet based in Houston, Texas. Our triremes need the turpentine based weapons of destruction. It worked for our Byzantine activists allies, it will work for us.

Thurston Howell the Third sends me cheques, wicker baskets of money, and so should you. Hurry to your wallet and purse and send me your money. Take out a second mortgage on your home. Send me your children's college money. You will feel better, quickly. Thurston Howell the Third is beloved of Set, the Snake God.

I hereby nominate Thurston Howell the Third to the position of chairman of the Turpentine Commission, responsible for turpentine and turpentine by-products produced throughout the regional municipality of Mitchieville, especially the Turpentine works at the Mitchieville Prison. I am confident that support will be spontaneous and wide spread. Or else.

I call upon all loyal citizens of Mitchieville to support Thurston Howell the Third for this position. He will receive a meager stipend of 350,000 a year (dollars, American, tied to cost of living), along with a travel allowance, a car (Mercedes SUV with three motorcycle escorts (Harley Fatboy)) an endless supply of maple syrup, corn dogs, and back bacon, and the support of a full time staff of five. Office space is available at the Mitchieville Town Hall offices on the thirty third floor.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care