Animal Awareness Week, eh?

Raccoons
I feel so sorry for these cute furry little creatures that I just have to feed them. I cannot stand the sight of them eating garbage, it is so unhealthy. So what I do to protect our environment and spike George Bush’s war machine is to feed the raccoons. I have a metal tool shed, and I made some holes in it that are not easy to see by humans, but easy enough for even the most fat and pregnant raccoon to squeeze in. Inside the tool shed I have set up a feeding station. It has a drip line for fresh water. I also have found that those plastic automatic dog feeders work good too. I have three in there, so the poor oppressed raccoons have a tasty selection of nutritious dog and cat kibble. With three feeding stations, there are fewer fights among the raccoon families that now thrive in the area of my house. It only costs a few bucks a month to buy those fifty pound bags of dog kibble. It is worth it to save the planet.

Infact, the raccoons in my area came out of hibernation early, and are a good six weeks early into rutting season. I do not have a clue why. I blame global warming and George Bush.

Skunks
Most city people have a bad opinion about skunks, but that is racism. Skunks are as cute and cuddly as most any other oppressed ethnic group, maybe more so because they go around at night and like to tag things with stink. You should not judge people by their actions, and skunks are no exception.

I am a big supporter of recycling at any price, so I have gone the Greenpeace earth warriors one better … I feed my table scraps directly to my skunk neighbors. They sure like most anything. This way I bypass the garbage-compost-plants part of the growth cycle. I have designed a skunk feeding house, I call it after my hero, Bob Hunter. It is my way of fighting global warming.


Cockroaches
Certainly the most oppressed of our animal friends, the bisexual cockroach is an important part of the ecosystem of the city. Racist profiling has depressed the diversity of the city cockroach, but activists can fight back by feeding them. I was thrilled to learn that cockroaches are bisexual, non-violent, and celebrate diversity. If only more humans could be like cockroaches. All they eat is paper. So I feed them my specially re-cycled copies of environmental publications. It only takes a few pounds of paper and a few drops of growth and fertility hormones to make a thriving cockroach village. They are so good for the environment … take that in the eye, Donald Rumsfeld.


Street People
People are animals too. Those long suffering people never have anywhere to sleep and nobody ever gives them anything. My heart just bleeds every time I pass the homeless people. Why does not our fascist tyranny do something to help these people? And you just know that teenagers (the evil male heteronormative kind) just like to set them on fire. How many times have I walked past some smouldering corpse on my way to work while some snickering kids were off giggling and taking pictures with their camera phones.

What I do is whip up a batch of Mother Jones' prune elixir. I got the recipe out of the Loompanics catalog. After I have a batch of prune elixir, I put the stuff into Vodka bottles, then leave it around where the oppressed homeless people can find it. It sure puts a smile on their face, and, after eighteen hours, they will have a smiling, happy colon, too. I figure that it will bring them some happiness, and its good for what ails you. Maybe if George Bush had some prunes he would not be so bent on world conquest.

I, Fenris wrote this