Bob Hunter and the Scalp Bounty

I have to write another eulogy for Truthspeaker Bob Hunter. You may have noticed his smiling face plastered all over politically correct media across the city of light that is Toronto.

I got a call from the Greenpeace telemarketing Command Post. Thanks to Bob’s death, they are mounting an extra six weeks of Save the Seals from Extinction in 2005 to this years campaign before they go back to selling carpet cleaning and home security systems. All the on going extended media coverage of Bob’s death is priming the telemarketing money pump! Yes!

Let me cast your imagination back to the Dark Ages, when Mike Harris ruled Ontario. It was a few years after his coup d’etat, when his fanatic Christian Brown shirts had seized power unfairly through the ballot box, by lying to people and then doing what he said he would do. Evil incarnate. Evil enough to get elected twice.

Anyway, Mike Harris had upped the scalp bounty on the homeless here in Toronto. It went from the traditional 25 dollars a scalp way up to 500 dollars. And, evil Mike started selling hunting permits to degenerate American hunters, too. You remember that awful fall … Americans roaming the streets of Toronto in Jeeps and Humvees mounted with .50 caliber machine guns, using phosphorus grenades to flush the homeless from their ‘nests’ under bridges and then chopping them down with heavy weapons fire. Sometimes they would just watch the wounded homeless person crawl around in his own intestines before they drew cards to see who would administer the coup d’grace - usually a blow to the head with a ball peen hammer. Then the slow, grisly lifting of the scalp while friends and the hired guides smoked greenhouse gas producing cigarettes and guzzled whiskey made from genetically modified yeast. Of course, they took trophy pictures and laughed.

It did not stop there. Harris enforced the vagrancy acts, and rounded up other so-called degenerates. They were put in the stocks and flogged, or locked in cages that were hanging over the street. I remember the three cages that were suspended over the intersection of Yonge and Dundas, where innocent people who were welfare cheats or were infected with AIDs and had sex without a condom were subject to the humiliation of public ridicule. And then there were the military parades every Monday down University Avenue, when the latest weapons in the bloated inventory of the Ontario WarMachine were put on phalli-centric display. TVO started its Glorify War series.

Late in the fall, Mike Harris had escalated his campaign of terror and intimidation against everything diverse and multi-gendered. When Quebec asked politely that Ontario stop profiling drivers with Quebec license plates, what did Mike Harris do? He deployed a few brigades of artillery and shelled border villages, that is what. Quebec appealed to the United Nations after that, but Mike Harris took the UN delegate and cut off his hands and tongue. It took the heroic efforts of the wise leader of the peace loving people of North Korea to put an end to the massive arms shipments flowing into Ontario from the planet destroying Americans. Only after the biosphere loving democratically elected East German leader cut off Ontario’s supply of hops, did the beast Mike Harris stop lobbing Intermediate Range missiles armed with Mustard Gas into Quebec schools, day care centers, and cultural events.

But the scalp bounty still lead to the death of thousands of homeless people every fall, every hunting season in cities, towns, villages, and hamlets across Ontario. The main stream media was firmly in the fascist grip of the ruling robber gang. No one dared offer a single word of criticism of Mike Harris, so afraid were the people of the Ontario Secret Provincial Police (the dreaded OSPP) and the midnight knock that meant a one way trip to Secret Police Headquarters at the intersection of Bloor and Hitler Avenue for a torture session with electric shock, the brain wipe, the butt probe, or the deadly non-vegetarian high cholesterol, low fiber food laced with meat products, additives, and unspeakable preservatives forced upon the doomed inmates by chain smoking white male monogamous heterosexuals. It was a race against time as madman Harris directed his legions of evil scientists to develop new and unthinkable secret weapons in his crazed campaign to destroy diversity and the planet.

One man stood forward: Bob Hunter.

Bob Hunter wrote a book about the horrors: The Ontario Scalp Bounty and Mike Harris’ War on the Homeless. Bob Hunter gave lectures. Bob Hunter sent forth telemarketers to call people to raise their awareness. Bob Hunter sent out mass mailings to let you know The Truth.

In only six short years, six years that the homeless stood on the brink of extinction, Bob Hunter stopped the Scalp Bounty!

In the last year of the scalp bounty, the unhuman Mike Harris had opened the Scalp Hunt to crossbows and black powder weapons. The carnage was unspeakable as buckskinned Americans whooped and yee-hawed across the province, tracking the underprivileged as they scurried from their social services sanctuary, clutching their welfare check or food bank supplies. The nights were worse, as whiskey saturated scalpers clanking in their authentic medieval plate mail holding onto grisly trophies of human hair danced in the streets to bonfires that glorified war and heteronormative relationships.

Finally, Bob Hunter had had enough. From his office at the one magazine that still dared to contemplate criticism of the evil Harris gang, he put down the manuscript of the book he was writing. He loaded up his pipe with organically grown indigenous native peoples approved tobacco. He pushed aside the list of phone numbers of likely supporters. Out on the street, an oppressed member of some ethnic minority was earning a sub-standard and humiliating existence selling tobacco pouches made from the scrotums of homeless people. This was too much for Bob. Selling books and getting paid to give lectures and getting ten percent of gross revenues from a telemarketing campaign was not going to stop this outrage of outrages. Bob Hunter sucked on his pipe and was given over to eager atheist prayer to any god but the God of the Christians.

That afternoon, Bob Hunter climbed up to the top of a flagpole and vowed to keep chewing chewing gum until the madness stopped!

Then the clouds parted! The matriarchal lesbian diverse deity Gaia appeared to the assembled people in Queens Park. The prisoners in cages hung over the street looked up into the rainbow colored light! The innocent purse snatchers and pimps and drug dealers looked up from the stocks where they were tied up into the loving diverse poly gendered glow. Homosexual, Bisexual, and transgendered angels danced in the heavens, loving each other in diverse ways, with lips, tongue, and fist. It was a fairytale ending to six years of terror, and yet another fairytale experience to the existence that was Bob Hunters fairytale life. Over 500,000 people saw this. Mike Harris fled from office only two years later. But the Scalp Bounty was no more! The homeless were saved! They could breed and raise families in peace, with welfare and food banks and social services! Hurrah!

Thank you, Bob Hunter. I, Fenris, love you.