Heather Mills Wants More

Not happy with the measly amount of money a judge ordered Heather Mills last week, she has called in forensic accountants to examine her former husband's finances:

"We all know he's worth £800 million. He's been worth £800million for the last 15 years."

Even if the forensic accountants (that's the only time accountants have ever sounded sexy) find that Paul is worth much more than he claimed, all might not be roses and sunshine for Mills:

"Mr Justice Bennett made the ruling based on Heather's need and also based on the standard of living the couple enjoyed when they were together.

So why would Heather Mills hire special accountants to uncover Paul's unclaimed wealth, even if it means she's not going to see one pence of it? Simple, this broad is a total ball-buster.

I actually have to give this woman credit, she is not going away easily. She's like a bad case of genital warts. You can try to scratch them off and bleach them away, but the only way they will ever leave you is if you go to the doctor and get some special medicine that you apply a few times daily for about a month or until the burning kicks in, then you have to stop and rest your cock for a few days. Eventually you'll have to go back on the medication and take treatments again, and then one day you wake up and magically the warts are gone. Unfortunately though, now your partner has them. So, you rinse and repeat and try to stay away from oral sex.

Ya, Heather Mills is EXACTLY like that.

Heather McCartney To World--Suck On This

Heather Mills McCartney, on a world tour to promote environmentalism through the group, "We know better than you so shut your fucking mouths" (WKBTYSSYFM), had this to say today on one of her stops:

Mills, 39, asked people to "cut down on one or two meat and dairy and fish dishes a week."

"We are the only species that drinks another person's milk, so why aren't we drinking rat's milk, or dog's milk, or cat's milk, that's how crazy it is," she said.

"It's mad that we are having cow's milk. Even cows don't drink it after one year but we continue forever."

Imagine being the child of this monster, how terrible would that be? "Mom, can I get some milk for my Bran Flakes?" "Yes, son, just keep sucking on the nipple of that rat!"

I can't imagine a worse spokesperson for an organization than this gimp. Armed with half-truths, a busted face and a tree stump for a leg, she's be better suited guarding fields from crows than talking about environmental issues.

I got your rats milk right here

Heather Mills McCartney is an Attention Seeker

British police have warned Heather Mills McCartney to stop bugging the hell out of them with her persistent 911 (999 in England) calls:

LONDON (Reuters) - British police have warned Heather Mills McCartney, the estranged wife of former Beatle Paul, about using the emergency phone number 999 too often.

"We are duty-bound to respond, but clearly people who make lots of calls to the police run the risk of being treated as the little boy who cried wolf," he added.

"Officers who have attended previously to find there have been no grounds might not take any claims seriously, and that's the danger we face."

I didn't figure that Heather Mills would understand the legwork involved by police officers when they have to respond to nonsense 999 calls. The police go out on a limb for Heather Mills, but she offers no support to them. I'm sure they are as stumped as we are why she makes so many calls, but I fear they won't end, so they better brace for more calls.

Mills representatives had this to say when reached for comment:

"He assures us he is in no way disappointed with the level of calls from Miss Mills."

Of course he isn't disappointed, the police love responding to fake and false 999 calls. It gives them a break from hanging out at the precinct all day, drinking tea and eating crumpets and watching Coronation Street. They would much rather be responding to fake and false calls from one-legged vegetarian cougars like MZZZZZZ McCartney.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on

Thanks to Mitchieville's Minister of Information for the tip

Heather Mills McCartney

I have obtained a letter from Heather Mills McCartney to Paul McCartney stating her love for the little Beatle in no uncertain terms. The letter is kind of sappy, but it's easy to see after viewing it that Heather really does, and did, love Paul:

Dear Paul,

Although we are no longer living together and have been apart for some time, I'm finding it hard to LEGgo of you. You are always on my mind. Like today, for instance: I was watching baseball and I saw this man hit the ball and he LEGged out a single, and for some weird reason I thought of you. It must have been because of how hard you worked in our relationship.

I woke up this morning and I felt very sad, like I do most mornings. I got out of bed and reached for my LEGgs Pantyhose, cut off one side with scissors because I really have no use for both LEGs of the pantyhose, and thought of you. I cried. I went downstairs and made myself some waffles, and when I was about to eat one, the maid came and took it out of my hand. I yelled at her, "Maria, LEGgo my Eggo". I know that if you were here you would have stopped Maria.

Paul, without you I am nothing, I am but a speck of dust, a leaf blowing in the wind. Without you I don't have a LEG to stand on. LEG's say we try to reconcile and stop playing games with each other. We are silly to try to get a LEG up on each other, we are too mature for that, LEGs let bygones be bygones.

As I hobble up and down the stairs all day, I think of you and all the wonderful times we had together. There are no if, ands or LEGs about it, I am still addicted to you.

LEG's give it one more chance, Paul. I don't know what I would do without you, I may as well unscrew this wooden leg of mine and smash my stupid head in with it. I can't LEGgo of the thought of you, Paul. You are all encompassing, LEG LEG LEG LEG LEG LEG...

I will LEG you 'till the end of time,

LEG,
Heather
xxoo

Run of the Mills

The gloves have come off in the Heather Mills/Paul McCartney divorce proceedings. What's the saying, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? You better believe it:

Not only does she claim in the divorce papers filed today that her former hubby was a drug-taking alcoholic, she also alleges that he beat her up while she was pregnant, that he stabbed her with a broken wine glass, and that he once tried to choke her.

Added to that, Heather also alleges that Macca tried to stop her from breastfeeding by bellowing: “They are my breasts.”

Am I reading that correctly? Are they saying that Paul said "They are my breasts?" Haha, The Mayor is luvin' it. You have to be pretty stinkin' high to yell at your wife that her breasts are actually your breasts.

If those allegations turn out to be true, then Paul McCartney is one seriously messed up little beatle. I wonder where he stabbed her with the wine glass? My guess is the leg. If it was the leg it's no big deal, it's made of wood. That could have been a kinky fetish thing they had going. "Oh Paul, stab me in the leg, you little beatle".

Paul McCartney is reportedly worth 1.5 billion dollars. If 1.5 billion dollars only gets you a one-legged, vegan, anti-fur, pasty-faced, snaggle-toothed hag, then my bank account which reads $4 is telling me I'm in a load of trouble.

Coo coo ca choo

The Reasons for the Split of Paul McCartney and Hobbles

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64? Clearly not:

Heather even exclaimed during one conversation: "Oh God, he's such a boring old f* rt!" It is a wonder that the relationship lasted as long as it did.

The behaviour which irritated her most was what she regarded as his reclusive ways. 'Why won't Paul have a social life?' she would moan. 'He's got no friends and it's driving me mad.'

"Heather realised Paul had lived in his own little world with Linda, spending every single day together and smoking a lot of dope.

Those were just a few passages in a long, drawn out article outlining the many reasons why Paul McCartney and Hobbles Mills split.

Here's my take on it: Paul was as exciting as watching paint dry. While his wife was young and vibrant, Paul was a chronic pot smoker who has a small penis that fails to get erect on command.

Hobbles was a fucking bitch who hounded poor Paul every day and night, yelling at him in that disgusting British accent that women with 5 teeth in their head have. "Paul, bring your non-erect small penis over here and satisfy me", "Paul, put down that bong and bring your non-erect small penis over here and satisfy me", "Paul, I'm going to a 'Save the Fire ants' march this afternoon, now bring that non-erect small penis over here and satisfy me".

Paul knew their marriage was on the rocks when he sang Hobbles the song, "When I'm 64". When he got to the part, *When I'm 64*, Hobbles would look uncomfortable and say to Paul, "Excuse me Paul, I have to go get the laundry out of the dryer".

Paul McCartney, the boring walrus

Mills McCartney doesn't have a leg to stand on

Any article that involves someone losing a prosthetic leg is good enough for the pages of Mitchieville any day.

Paul McCartney’s wife Heather Mills McCartney lost her prosthetic leg during a violent confrontation with security guards at Jennifer Lopez's New York office.

This is sounding like it could get pretty sexy.

The incident happened on Tuesday as the model turned animal rights activist attempted to deliver a People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) DVD showing creatures being killed for fur to Lopez.

After striding into the building opposite Manhattan's Bryant Park, accompanied by an entourage of journalists and photographers, McCartney Mills - who lost a leg after being hit by a car in 1993 - was confronted by burley minders who yelled: "You have no authority to be here.

"Get out! Leave the floor immediately!"

In the tussle that ensued, Mills McCartney's prosthetic leg became detached. She bent down and clutched her knee in pain, before asking to use a bathroom so she could reattach the leg.

No word yet if Mills McCarney started rubbing herself with her broken prosthetic leg, but in my mind that's exactly what happened.

Why was she clutching her leg in pain, isn't it prosthetic? Could it be possible that Mills McCartney is so in tune with nature that she can actually feel the pain of wood when it is snapped? That would be pretty impressive.

According to 25hoursonline.com, Lopez's guards continued to verbally attack the group – screaming: "Call the cops! Call the cops!" - until Mills McCartney recovered her composure and was able to leave the building.

Technically, yelling "Call the cops" isn't considered *verbally attacking* someone.

If the guards were going to verbally attack Mills McCartney, they might have screamed something like this: "Hey, Hoppy, you are in this building ILLEGALLY, I ask that you take your chunk of wood and leave immediately, you self-righteous, preachy, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, hypocritical, spurious glory hound".

Let's review. Mills McCartney has called on the world to boycott Jennifer Lopez' music, clothing line, and movies, all because she wears fur. Mills showed up to Jennifers apartment with reporters and an *entourage* of photographers. She has been in every major paper denouncing Jennifer Lopez, and has been brutal to her for years. And why? Because Jennifer Lopez is making a choice that Mills disagrees with.

That's like Jennifer Lopez asking the world to boycott anything of Paul McCartney because he has such terrible taste in women. Okay, so it's not like that at all, but he does have terrible taste in women.

I'm glad her leg fell off, I just wish it was her head, that would have been super cool. I'm not a big fan of big-mouthed British women who try to ruin peoples careers and lives because they don't believe in wearing fur. It would be laughable if it wasn't so tragically pathetic.

I was going to have a salad for lunch today, but after reading that article I've decided otherwise. Now I'm going to go find the neighbours dog, skin it, eat it's carcass, and make a nice pair of mittens out of its skin. Yes, dog meat and mitten skin for lunch. Yummy. Thanks Mills!!

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