Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2007

ARIES Volcanic ash will fall down your neck as you get your car out of the garage on Tuesday. This will make you irritable all day. Take out your frustrations on a pumpkin in a supermarket. Sketch in some time for conquest and victory.

TAURUS Your neighbour lacks child rearing skills and is in the habit of putting his noxious children into the trunk of his car for transport. This will concern you, until the kids start setting things on fire, like your trash bin which you just purchased.

GEMINI Your new job is not to your pleasing. Start to gather evidence and plan to leak suitable documents to both the authorities and organized crime. This troll you work for will soon be regretting his foul grammar and spelling from inside a refrigerator on its way to the lake.

CANCER Those black spots in the new bag of flour are insect pieces. Smack the children with a wooden spoon for not sealing the flour container according to your instructions. Feed the dog before the cat on Wednesday.

LEO Your office fornicating will draw the attention of an overweight and hairy person who happens to own alot of stock in the company. Call yourself happy when you are finished servicing this ape. Play your cards right and get a raise in the bargain.

VIRGO A nightmare about your mother will happen on Thursday night. Maybe you should have her committed to a different place ... one that has sunlight. The homeless man will continue to pester you for crack money until you give him some of the mushrooms you picked in the forest.

LIBRA Your most recently deceased house cat is as vengeful and viscious in the afterlife as she was in the here and now. This cat will manifest as a poltergeist (poltercat?) unless you leave out salmon offerings, which will please your other cats almost as much as your undead one.

SCORPIO You will discover that what you think is ordinary is really an unnatural talent on Wednesday. Be careful who you tell ... some of your friends will likely have you burnt at the stake as they would be jealous. Others will give you presents.

SAGITTAURUS You will discover a nuclear warhead on your way to work on Friday. It is the mailbox sized thing that is steaming hot. Try to avoid fixing it. The owner will come looking for it while you are there. Expect a warm handshake and happy smile!

CAPRICORN Another pleasant week of toil! Take refuge in the slow advancement of your agenda ... recruit allies and undermine your enemies. Eat well this week for a long period of work ends. Cast your mind forward to new projects and contact older allies for fresh opportunities. Wear blue.

AQUARIUS You will see the family you are sponsoring through Amnesty International at the local shopping mall two days after you have a flat tire. They are supposed to be dying in a prison in Honduras ... what are they doing eating at McDonalds? Look into this, you may discover something.

PISCES A Space Alien from the Empire of Ulcron will contact you with a business proposition by telephone. Consider the offer wisely, and check the briefcase of cash for dates and serial numbers.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.