Book Burning, Let's!

As a progressive activist, I look forward to burning books that disagree with my sensitive socialist feelings. At times, activists quote sources out of context, change sentences, or move words around. Comrades, the socialist end justifies the means!

This week, I would like to draw your attention to one of the latter chapters in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It never made it to the movie, so nobody will miss it much if we act together and suppress it. The People are Stupid and need to be led like Sheep is a good socialist principle, and it applies here. Other activists suppress books (*), and I, Fenris Badwulf, can do it too.

From the racist hate site which specializes in training fascist stormtroopers under the guise of 'roleplaying games' (*) comes this synopsis of this disgusting chapter:

Embittered by the destruction of his army at Helm's Deep and with his power broken at Isengard, Saruman the White became a vicious shadow of his former self. Under false pretences, he gradually infiltrated the Shire with his agents, unkempt villains from the lands around Isengard. These rogues began to seize power, and by the time the White Wizard's staff was broken at Orthanc, the Shire was almost entirely under Saruman's control. Only the Tooks resisted his rule. Calling himself Sharkey, the fallen wizard sought to tighten his grip on the Shire as his final act of spite, petty revenge for his downfall.

When the Travellers finally rode back into the Shire, they were so shocked by what had come to pass that they immediately set about overthrowing the oppressors and restoring the Shire. What followed was the greatest battle ever to be fought within the bounds of the Shire and the last recorded engagement of the War of The Ring.

I broke into tears when that was read to me by one of my faithful, hard working, and nameless minions. I had to have my personal assistant kick him when he did not shut up fast enough when I raised my pinky in the 'shut up' signal. I was upset. This is not the time to discuss the racist hatred of Saruman, orcs, or that great statist Sauron. We can deal with that when Bob Rae is prime minister.

What activists should find offensive about this chapter in this otherwise great literary work is the offensive role of returning war veterans, here the hobbits Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo. Where do they get off in staging a military coup to overthrow the duly elected government of Saruman and his Orcs? Due process was involved, and in true socialist fashion, incrementalist control of the state was used to make the Shire into a happy place of income redistribution, haven for orc immigration, and state industrial policy. Returning veterans should not do this. And, we do not want anybody getting ideas, especially since Canada has a large contingent of soldiers about to come home from combat. When they come home to find what they were fighting against over there has now put down roots here, well, they might get counter-revolutionary. And we cannot have that, now can we?

So, here are your marching orders. Firstly, from your personal copies of The Lord of the Rings, cut out the offending chapter with your gangsta switchblade. Show this to your commissar as a sign of loyalty to The Central Authority. Secondly, mutilate any copies you find in school or public libraries. If you cannot cut out the chapter because of the police state fascists, then sneak in with a magic marker and blot out the words. Thirdly, make a complete report to The Central Authority as an additional attachement in your weekly report to the Secret Police. Superior efforts will be rewarded with carbon credits and extra rations of prune mush at the community feeding tent.

Under the unblinking eye of socialism, everybody watches everybody. You are being watched, so get busy.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at both DustMyBroom and Mitchieville.

By the way, it would be a good idea for all Statist Careeriststo suggest other books to be burnt, and passages to be removed. Your timely suggestions are both welcome and required. Arbeit Macht Frei, wurmchen. Do it right now. Your swift attention to this matter done by day will keep the Secret Police from your door by night. I care for your continued good health.