Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2006

There is a great stellium in Scorpio this week, with all those wonderful powers that make Scorpio so amusing for us mortals: the Sun (so it will be personal for all Scorpio), Mercury (whatever happens will be very noticible, involve your neighbours, and get talked about), Venus (sex and war, maybe both), Mars (war and sex, maybe both), and Jupiter (makes things bigger). I am unable to give general guidance for anyone who is a Scorpio this week: there is too much happening and it would be better to consult your natal chart for advice. I told as much to Fenris, but he said that I would be in violation of my personal services contract and that he would have me clapped in irons and sent to the workhouse. Well, there you go.

ARIES This is the week to explore opening a tavern with your brother.

TAURUS That stellium in Scorpio is opposed to your sign. All the excitement is elsewhere, which is a little hard on the ego, but just fine for your digestion. You are destined to trip on a discarded condom on Wednesday (blame Scorpio).

GEMINI You will see things this week that will make you re-consider your strange pagan beliefs. Carrots are ill omened.

CANCER You are going to ride a flying carpet Tuesday.

LEO Invaders from Space will scratch your car in the shopping mall parking lot when you are not around.

VIRGO Smoking rubble from a near impact will scent the air with the smell of freshly broken rock, disturbed earth, and fresh cut grass. You can blame Scorpio.

LIBRA You will find yourself in an embarassing situation which you will handle with your James Bond like calm.

SCORPIO Your future is impossible to predict this week on a general basis.

SAGITTAURUS Put your handyman skills to good use preparing a dip tank full of trans-fat dissolver for that annoying someone in your life. Soundproof the garage, too. Everybody loves you this week.

CAPRICORN Take your burgular tools out for a test drive on Tuesday.

AQUARIUS All that warring and sexxing happening around the neighbourhood Scorpio is delaying your commute to work, maybe disturbing your sleep. Thursday, you will come across a couple engaged in sex. Shocking.

PISCES You will have a revelation into a puzzling problem from the past. As to where you will be when this happens, I will not mention in polite company.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.