Mayor heaves out at press conference

Mitchieville (AP): At a press conference in his mansion today, Mitchieville's Mayor, the Mayor of Mitchieville, announced that he is dropping out of the Mitchieville Mayoral race to pursue "other interests," with a leering emphasis on "other." After consultation with his bikini-clad and glassy-eyed bevy of advisors and a moment's reflection in a pool of spilled Hennessy X.O., an unshaven and dissheveled Mayor of Mitchieville came to the conclusion that he had sucked the well dry in Mitchieville and wished his competitors in the race to become Mitchieville's next Mayor luck in cleaning up after the extravagance and waste of his years in office.

"Stupid sh-ts, if they think they can [hic] run this joint on a few bits of bran or [hic] some copyright-infinsssshhhh… some copyright-infrinisssshhh… damn, some stolen beefcake pics from the internet, they're more f-cking f-cked up than I thought. All the f-cking power [hic] to them! Budget? What f-cking budget? If you're talking about my Swiss bank account, that's my budget now! Ha ha [hic]! I sure as hell don't need Mitchieville any more. Just a minute there, honey…"

Asked to comment on his legacy, the Mayor squinted his eyes and threw his half-finished bottle of whiskey at the questioner, missing by several yards and taking out the eye of an illegal migrant janitor employed at the Mayor's mansion instead.

"G-ddamn peasants, that's what you people all are! I never liked any of you, and I disliked more of you a lot less than you deserved than less of you a lot more than you deserved. Holy sh-t, that's poetry! Write that down. Yeah you, that hottie in the second row, write that down, that's my gift to you, precious. Ha ha! That and a throbbing VIP pass to my left pants pocket. Hell, you can take either pocket, sweetie. Ha ha ha *cough* *cough* *cough* *retch*"

Stumbling from the puke bucket he had mistaken for a podium, the Mayor suddenly burst into tears and bummed a cigarette from a reporter.

"You're [hic] beautiful, you know that, don't you? Jeez, I'm almost sorry for all the sh-t I've done to you little pissants. I love you people, g-ddamnit, you know? I'm gonna miss you in Dubai *sniff* Hey, baby, I've got five dollars in my pocket, if you know what I mean. Licky-licky?"

From the crumpled, whiskey-stained files of the Associated Press