A Victim's Perspective

It is not easy being a straight white male. I am responsible for all evil that ever existed: from plantation slavery to global warming, it is all my fault. I have crushed civilizations, exterminated cuddly critters with cute eyes, and caused the mothership Earth to heat up to the point of Lake Erie boiling away. I did what I could to deal with my consuming guilt: I gave money to the Young Gay Socialists, gathered signatures to support Jihad, and worked endless shifts at the homeless shelter, boiling lobster and bar-b-quing steak for the activists. But still lesbians would spit at me when I walked in the room; Gangbangers would still rob me; Religion of Peace bomb shrapnel would not miss me during subway attacks.


But then I got smart. I took a course about the Racism Industry at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence. I did not realize that I was a Victim too! I could claim my share of the handouts and entitlements and guilt free life that I had only thought were the birthright of non-white polygendered unemployable village peoples! I have arrived!

I am a Victim, too! From the moment my mother was brutally forced to not have an abortion, I became a victim. When I grew up in one of those safe suburbs where people do not have locks on the door, I was denied access to the village peoples cultural experience. Everytime my school teachers did not molest me, introduce me to narcotics, or lecture me on politics in mathematics class, I was stripped of my heritage as an activist. It never occured to me to study journalism while collecting welfare! What a horrible life I have experienced.

Now I have quit my job and am collecting welfare as a mental defective. I am going to go to the University of Toronto on scholarship for Journalism. I will be in school for years! I make big money paid cash as a telemarketer! My social worker is a retired sex trades specialty hooker and I get oral massage every time I take a cab to see her. Life is great now.

Thank you, Fenris Badwulf.