Horoscope for your week of Hell that awaits.

I am sorry, I really cannot sugar coat this. But Fenris says that if I do not post this week, I am in violation of my personal services contract. He uses logical motivation methods: If I do not write a horoscope, he will break many small bones in my hands, since I won't be needing them. Eh-what? Plato himself could not say it plainer. Anyway, here it is:

The Time Travelling Nazi Scientist Empire continues to pour resources into this sector of the galaxy in order to slow the growth of the Space Warlord El-Kabob. Expect bright lights in the sky close to pretty well any planet. Should be bright enough to see in the day too. Big megatonage in those El-Kabob warheads.

ARIES Your likely arrest on charges of being a war criminal becomes problematic after pretty well all of the evidence goes away with a mudslide in the Phillipines. What a relief! But watch out for El-Tigre, that sergeant you ripped off in a euchre game and left for dead in a Thai private sex prison.

TAURUS Ah, sweet success! You emerge from the bar with your blood stream pickled with gin, and discover more money in your pocket than when you started.

GEMINI The one brave employee that you have that fears you the least confronts you on this psychological forced labor camp that is your domain. You realize that a friend who is a Capricorn is really an unsavoury space alien sex tourist.

CANCER Are you ready to fight your way out of the bar? Put on your Gow Ding martial arts combat boots for the Tuesday battle. You will find someones tooth in your personal mail as a peace offering, Viking-style!

LEO You will win the Payday lottery. That is a thousand dollars a week! Lucky you. And you will be able to afford a good astrologer to tell him the bad things you can avoid, now that you can pay for the information.

VIRGO Your combat unit is loaded aboard an assualt ship on Wednesday. On Thursday, the invasion of Jupiter begins. You are fortunate to see such events so up close. Do not eat the Fingers and Gravy entre.

LIBRA You will experience The Big Earthquake when you are driving over a dam. Your Guardian Angel will sweep down from the Sun and shield you with Her Wings. Then she will carry you to a place a safety and give you a short, pithy lecture on diet.

SCORPIO You will question your faith after you realize that you cannot handle liquor like the minions of Satan. Your prayers will bring you an answer to your question, along with a full tank of gas in your car.

SAGITTAURUS Seeking distraction, you will instead find a pack of brawling harpies. When the a bottle is broken and the sharp piece hoisted like some Aztec weapon, it is time to flee like a coward, throw away your dignity and mother's love, and high tail it to someplace safe.

CAPRICORN You are on vacation and cannot relax. Let your co-workers inhale the asbestos and filter the out-gassing carpet chemicals in their lungs and livers. Attempt no effort!

AQUARIUS I suspect that certain people are very interested in your whereabouts right about now, Aquarius. Maybe people from another dimension, or another time. Maybe people with a little grudge to settle. Hmmmm? A little karmic vendetta play? Stay away from mirrors ... they can see you in them!

PISCES The slave pit that is your childrens elementary school will be busted for being a forced labor opperation. The children have been drugged and brainwashed! You will fall under the investigation of the responsible Children's Authority

Yes, Mercury Retrograde means everything goes to Shit! Do not kid yourself. Oh, It sure is bad. That is why You Need one of My Miracle-Power Amulets to fight off Mercury Retrograde! Do not delay and Act Today!

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this, under duress and in violation of my United Nations Human Rights! Help Me! Fenris Badwulf is an unjust employer and denier of social benefits!