Don't Jerk Me Around

Masturbation Techniques is a site dedicated to helping you improve on the obvious retarded way you masturbate. Why someone would need help doing the only thing God intended you to do perfectly without instruction is beyond me. If someone asked me what I do perfectly, not nearly perfect, not really well, but perfectly, I'd tell them that I am a Grade A jerker offer. I can type 50 words a minute and still beat myself off at the same time. No-one really needs help jerking off, unless it's someone else jerking you off. I don't even accept hand jobs anymore, I figure what's the use. Hand balming I can do for myself, if you really want to make me happy, get me a pizza slice and a Penthouse. Let's face it, if you can't even play with yourself properly, maybe this world is not for you after all.

Maybe I'm wrong about this, maybe people do need help with their spanking technique. Maybe I have too much faith in the masses to jerk themselves off correctly. Maybe you're using your foot instead of your hand to play with yourself. Maybe you wear hockey gloves when you pull the pud. Maybe you're so dumb that you can't find the right end to play with. What the hell, give them a visit, and bring some Kleenex.