Squirrel Fight 2008--The Final Destination

Good evening one and all and welcome to Squirrel Fights 2008--The Final Destination. I am your host, The Mayor of Mitchieville, and it is my honour to bring you this incredible event.

We have had an amazing tournament thus far. We started with 7 fighters and now it comes down to just two: The Mango Muncher from Naples Florida, and The Mayor's stud, Pugsly (from parts unknown). Both fighters are in the greatest shapes of their squirrel lives. I haven't seen anything quite like this before, they are ready, willing and eager for the match of the century.

The fighters have come out of their respective dressing rooms and are in the ring. Let's go up to where Michelle Buffet is ready to introduce these magnificent warriors:

"Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages--let's get ready to watch some blood shed!!"

Whatever, Michelle, where's the snipers when you need 'em?!

Fenris (the traitor) has placed both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we're nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like he's making a Margarita.

MM and Pugsly immediately go into a clinch. They are both trying to put downward pressure on the other, a pretty standard squirrel fighting tactic. MM is really leaning hard on the heavily muscled legs of Pugsly. They keep circling each other, it's what we in the business call a *Mexican stand-off*. Hey, look, it's Michael Bolton! I love you Michael!!!

The squirrels are still....wait, what the hell is going on here? Fenris has grabbed the pillowcase and is reaching into it. He has pulled Pugsly out and is squeezing the poor thing. Oh the humanity! Fenris has snapped Pugly's heavily muscled legs like they were matchsticks. Oh the humanity! Now Fenris has stuck Pugsly's head into his mouth--OMG, he bit Pugly's head right off. Oh the humanity!

This fight is over, this fight is done--Fenris is a dead man. The security is tasering Fenris, this is quite a scene. Taser that bastard some more, damn you!!

I can hardly see, the tears are flowing from my most-masculine cheeks so heavily that a small puddle of eye water has accumulated next to my Rye bottle.

I declare this fight null and void! This fight is over, there is no winner, just a loser--and he goes by the name of Fenris Badwulf. Oh the humanity! Oh the Sean Hannity!

Folks, I have to go, my poor heart is broken, I'm so sorry you had to see this pitiful episode.

Vote The Mayor.