Peak Oil and The Landmine Crisis

Not only am I filled with outrage, like a pressure cooker under a full load, but I am tingly with fear for the future of those you care most about. My hands are shaking like a cat eating some smoked salmon off a plate on the dinner table while your mother looks on in horror. My throat is hoarse, like a snake after unhinging its jaws to swallow a tasty frog. And my adorable house cat, Mister Whiskers, has fled to his sealskin pillow, where he is curled up in a ball and kneading his downy paws in empathy.

What should fill you with blind, unthinking fear is the certain likelyhood of a series of large wars, comparable to the period between the rise of Napoleon to the most recent fall of Berlin. Indeed, peak oil is soon to be a forgotten footnote before a an age of large armies locked in modern combat. Those greedy heteronormatives who rule the plantations of despair across the earth are surely going to turn to weapons and war as a way to solve their differences. They will fight over the dwindling lakes of oil: Peak oil! Peak oil! to power their grim legions of tanks, hordes of heteronormative infantry bent on rape, and parking lots filled with artillery. Yes, the Dark Ages are coming back. Eeeek!

But Canada can stop the Peak Oil! fueled forces of heteronormative oppression. Canada can win the next few global wars by restricting the use of landmines by other countries. Landmines are bad. And Peak oil! makes them worse. Because in the coming global wars to come, landmines will be the instrument of victory, and that victory might be the bad guys, and we do not want that.

I only trust Canadians with land mines. Only in Canada should there be the factories to make land mines, the road and rail net to move around the raw materials to make land mines, the airports to fly the land mines to where they are needed most, the dedicated Canadian Auto Workers who construct landmines, and the caring, highly paid professionals of the Canadian War Machine who plant landmines wherever there is place for some bad guy to step on the detonator.

You see, as long as Canada has an arsenal of the latest landmines, Canada can come to the aid of the good guys when they are attacked by the bad guys. And the bad guys would lose, thanks to landmines, Canadian landmines. You cannot go to bed and sleep tonight unless you support a Canadian monopoly on these weapons.

Landmines have many redeeming social benefits. Certainly, any engineer or car mechanic involved in their creation and use can tell you of many happy moments and delightful anecdotes involving problem solving, team building, and bonding experiences. Nothing says that you have overcome white guilt and arrived at a place with no visible invisible white privilege than when your stay behind explosives go Boom!, taking whatever it is you do not like into the clouds as dust to seed rain that fights Global Warming. Aaargh!

Children soon grow to be responsible citizens who embrace diversity and celebrate multi-culturalism, when they share experiences with landmines as part of their paramilitary youth training in the Canadian War Machine. And landmines can be used by anybody, regardless of ability. Disabled Canadians can easily wheel around with anti-personel mines, children can emplace incendiary or biological devices, leaving the heavier anti-tank devices to weekend trained enthusiasts. This is what builds a culture in our post-Christian Canada.

Landmines are carbon neutral. Under the firm hand of Canadian control, landmines could be powered from more earth friendly materials, such as phosphorus (which makes plants grow), jellied trans-fats (from recycled wastes), or magnesium (which builds strong bones and teeth). A vast research and development apparatus, composed of academia, industry, and government, would oversee the mass production, storage, and employment of Canada’s landmine arsenal. And those warehouses of landmines would be carbon friendly, be constructed by unionized labour making a fair wage, and only be used when Canadians say so.

Peak oil! Is the herald of another Age of Darkness. Canada should be prepared.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at the usual places

Mitchieville, DustMyBroom, TheStormyDaysOfMarch