Dreaming in Mitchieville, of Mitchieville
I had a dream last night.
Scene: A modern grocery store in Mitchieville. The store is decorated with vegetarian propaganda posters, the most common figure in the posters is Lisa, wearing a Khaki Nehru jacket, a Sam Brown belt, and a Nag Model 92 7.62mm pistol.
(soundless action, as if taken by a surveillance camera)
A retired couple move nervously towards the nearly empty meat counter ... where they are arrested by Vegetarian Gestapo, hiding behind displays of canned tofu.
Scene: In a concrete dungeon, where the old couple sit on scraps of cardboard (canned tofu). Besides them sits another old man.
Loudspeaker: Meat eating scum! Attention! Listen to the words of wisdom of your Mayor, Lisa! Attention!
The retired couple hug each other for comfort, while the other man spits on the floor.
Loudspeaker: Meat eating scum! Mayor Lisa is merciful! Those of you that wish to eat meat may do so only if you kill the creature yourself! Otherwise, you will be sent to Debtors Prison to work off your Beautiful Mitchieville Landless Peasants Tithe! Make your decision! Tonights meat is lobster!
Retired Lady: I am so hungry for a taste of meat. I hate that putrid canned tofu that we have to eat, now.
Retired Man: I miss eating bacon for breakfast. Bran loaf with turnip greens makes my colon grumpy.
Other Man: (spits) I love meat! I never should have voted for Mitch for Mayor. He was the best Mayor of Mitchieville until the last time, when he lost. I had a great job working for Fenris Badwulf. I was a telemarketer. I made good cash money to supplement my meager pension.
Retired Lady: I miss the Mayor. Lisa is forcing everyone to become vegetarians.
Retired Man: I always supported the Mayor. But his rash policy of banning telemarketing ruined my chain of convenience stores. I lost everything. Sales of tobacco plumeted after all those hard working telemarketers left town.
Retired Lady: I miss them calling at dinner. Anything to remind me of the days when we had roast beef.
Other Man: (growls) I was one of the Hungry Sales Wolves! I was champion prune products sales wolf for August, 2007. Back in 2005 I was champion canned goods sales wolf. Fenris himself paid for my new eye. I got a green one, with gold specks in it. I can see in the dark now, especially when the moon is full.
Retired Lady: Nobody thought that the Mayor would let us down by losing the election to that rabid fanatic. I hear dark rumors that she has her enemies duct taped to comfortable recliners and forced to watch Beachcombers episodes until they eat their own weight in bran loaf!
Retired Man: I always supported the Mayor. But now I have to eat bran loaf. From my bowel movements, you would think that I am a rabbit.
Other Man: (growls) I am not going to take this like some herbivourous herd animal! I have canine teeth, and incisors for cutting and tearing flesh! I want to eat Lobster for dinner! I accept the challenge!
Retired Lady: The challenge?
Other Man: I will jump into that cold, slimy pool and find my own lobster and kill it with my own hands. The take its still fresh flesh to my home to be boiled into a tasty meal. Then, I am going to force some wan, weakling vegetarian passer by to clean the dishes! Aaaargh! (shouting to microphone set in roof) I accept the challenge!
(cell door opens and wan, weakling vegetarian guard in Khaki Nehru jacket with powerful stun gun, takes out the other man)
(voice of the old man in the distance): Onward to Valhalla! Odin and Thor, be with me! Give me glorious victory, or let me feast with you in Valhalla tonight!
I, Fenris Badwulf, shared with You, The People of Mitchieville, this prophetic message of certain doom, unless you vote for Fenris Badwulf, Mayor of Mitchieville.
Scene: A modern grocery store in Mitchieville. The store is decorated with vegetarian propaganda posters, the most common figure in the posters is Lisa, wearing a Khaki Nehru jacket, a Sam Brown belt, and a Nag Model 92 7.62mm pistol.
(soundless action, as if taken by a surveillance camera)
A retired couple move nervously towards the nearly empty meat counter ... where they are arrested by Vegetarian Gestapo, hiding behind displays of canned tofu.
Scene: In a concrete dungeon, where the old couple sit on scraps of cardboard (canned tofu). Besides them sits another old man.
Loudspeaker: Meat eating scum! Attention! Listen to the words of wisdom of your Mayor, Lisa! Attention!
The retired couple hug each other for comfort, while the other man spits on the floor.
Loudspeaker: Meat eating scum! Mayor Lisa is merciful! Those of you that wish to eat meat may do so only if you kill the creature yourself! Otherwise, you will be sent to Debtors Prison to work off your Beautiful Mitchieville Landless Peasants Tithe! Make your decision! Tonights meat is lobster!
Retired Lady: I am so hungry for a taste of meat. I hate that putrid canned tofu that we have to eat, now.
Retired Man: I miss eating bacon for breakfast. Bran loaf with turnip greens makes my colon grumpy.
Other Man: (spits) I love meat! I never should have voted for Mitch for Mayor. He was the best Mayor of Mitchieville until the last time, when he lost. I had a great job working for Fenris Badwulf. I was a telemarketer. I made good cash money to supplement my meager pension.
Retired Lady: I miss the Mayor. Lisa is forcing everyone to become vegetarians.
Retired Man: I always supported the Mayor. But his rash policy of banning telemarketing ruined my chain of convenience stores. I lost everything. Sales of tobacco plumeted after all those hard working telemarketers left town.
Retired Lady: I miss them calling at dinner. Anything to remind me of the days when we had roast beef.
Other Man: (growls) I was one of the Hungry Sales Wolves! I was champion prune products sales wolf for August, 2007. Back in 2005 I was champion canned goods sales wolf. Fenris himself paid for my new eye. I got a green one, with gold specks in it. I can see in the dark now, especially when the moon is full.
Retired Lady: Nobody thought that the Mayor would let us down by losing the election to that rabid fanatic. I hear dark rumors that she has her enemies duct taped to comfortable recliners and forced to watch Beachcombers episodes until they eat their own weight in bran loaf!
Retired Man: I always supported the Mayor. But now I have to eat bran loaf. From my bowel movements, you would think that I am a rabbit.
Other Man: (growls) I am not going to take this like some herbivourous herd animal! I have canine teeth, and incisors for cutting and tearing flesh! I want to eat Lobster for dinner! I accept the challenge!
Retired Lady: The challenge?
Other Man: I will jump into that cold, slimy pool and find my own lobster and kill it with my own hands. The take its still fresh flesh to my home to be boiled into a tasty meal. Then, I am going to force some wan, weakling vegetarian passer by to clean the dishes! Aaaargh! (shouting to microphone set in roof) I accept the challenge!
(cell door opens and wan, weakling vegetarian guard in Khaki Nehru jacket with powerful stun gun, takes out the other man)
(voice of the old man in the distance): Onward to Valhalla! Odin and Thor, be with me! Give me glorious victory, or let me feast with you in Valhalla tonight!
I, Fenris Badwulf, shared with You, The People of Mitchieville, this prophetic message of certain doom, unless you vote for Fenris Badwulf, Mayor of Mitchieville.
posted by Fenris Badwulf at 5:10 PM
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