The Mighty Chestnut

I was emailed the other day by a very nice woman who goes by the name of Tim. Tim asked me to explain all the wonders of the magnificent chestnut. Until I got Tim's email, I didn't realize how much Mitchievillian's thirst for knowledge. I also didn't know that there are some people who don't know anything about something as rudimentary as the simple chestnut. Tim, this post is for you, sweetheart.


This is one of the last remaining true American chestnut trees that you'll ever find. I'm quite fond and proud of my huge American chestnut tree. You see, there aren't many of these specific trees around, because in the early 20th century, 3.5 billion American chestnut trees were destroyed due to Asian blight...a disease that all but wiped out the most important tree America had. Funny, but the Asians are up to their old tricks again, this time though, they're taking American manufacturing jobs. See the parallel? Sneaky bastards.


To get to the actual *meaty* part of the chestnut, you must break into it.I find it best to use a very sharp knife, one that, if you slip, will cut your arm off. There is a small ridge that surrounds the chestnut, you should cut around the ridge.


When the chestnut opens, a miracle appears in the shape of the actual brown chestnut. Touch it, stroke it, put it in your pocket and rub your fingers around it. Ya, that's right, treat it well (wink wink). Alright, that's enough, chestnuts aren't for your personal sexual fetishes, you demented freak.


Finally, after you look and touch the chestnut, I suggest stabbing it with a knife. This way, tree rats (AKA squirrels) won't be able to eat them, thus cutting down on the neighbourhood vermin problem.

I hope you have enjoyed this educational voyage, I had a great time bringing it to you. Please come back tomorrow as I answer the question: "Where does breast milk come from?"