Fenris Badwulf, caring person no.1

In the weeks and months in the time leading to the next election for Mayor of Mitchieville, I, Fenris Badwulf, would like to take a moment of your time, you, The People of Mitchieville, to share with you some of the things that I have done to make the world a better place. I think my record speaks for myself, just as the lack of record speaks for the other candidates who actually hate you. Me, I care.

My friend Walter was having a spot of bad luck. As a German-Canadian, his dreams of owning his own small engine repair business * to support his interest in things mechanical * * * had become bogged down in oppressive taxation, incomprehensible regulationism, and a lack of compassion on the part of Canadian Society. He was sad. He was unaccomodated.

Lucky for Walter, he has Fenris Badwulf for a friend. I suggested to Walter that he assume the identity of, well, lets just call him Xenon-18, a person who had just checked into the Morbid Obesity Clinic of Kensington * , a business I happen to own (the current head caregiver being the talented and resourceful Leslie * ).

I showed Walter the file on Xenon-18 ... a rich bourgeois with a weight problem, who also was a key cog in the London Roads department making over 100,000 a year. Because I care, I would allow Walter to have all of Xenon-18's identity papers, his credit cards, and the keys to his car and house. This would allow Walter to enjoy his income, his accumulation of debt, and the use and abuse of his house and car. Surely a few weeks of this bureaucrats lavish income would lift Walter out of debt and into the small engine repair shop of his dreams.

As an added bonus, that would help everybody, I suggested to Walter (as he sipped his tumbler of whiskey) that he could help me by using Xenon-12 's signing authority to purchase a few non-existant truckloads of road material, using a non-existant fleet of trucks, for some pothole filling that Xenon-12 was responsible for in his duties as Chef de Pothole for London, Ontario. In the science of Economics, this is called creating wealth. From the nothing of the non-existant road metal, the nothingness of the non-existant trucking firm, would come the hard reality of cheques, purchase orders, and union jobs. I would share 27.37 percent of the gross with Walter, with the understanding that Xenon-12 would pay any legal or financial penalty, if our little scheme came afoul of nosy meddling do-gooders * .

Well, several years have passed now. Everybody is happier, thanks to Fenris Badwulf.

Walter is happy. He has gained weight. He drives a fine German sedan. He has dinner at his Mom's house on Saturday. He supports liberal causes. He visits prostitutes for fetish sex every Thursday, and reads to the blind on Sunday.

Xenon-12 is happy. He has lost weight. He sleeps on a sheet of dirty cardboard every night. He has a stick to clobber rats with. He eats them raw, it makes him stronger. Leslie wants to let him become a telemarketer.

Leslie is happy. She has found feminist fulfilment in making others suffer for her emotionally based theories. She can watch them spend their lives in darkness, in sleepless nights fighting off hungry rats while still others pay for it. It makes her laugh and laugh.

Fenris is happy. I have other peoples money to spend, spend, spend. This way I can help more people, like I have helped Walter , Leslie, and Xenon-12.

The People of Mitchieville are happy. They know that the gaping potholes and road cratering way far away in London reduces the speed that cars travel at, which reduces green house gases, and makes the roads safe for tree growth. People in London are discouraged from using their polluting, poison gas spewing engines of death, allowing the People of Mitchieville to use theirs more.

I am Fenris Badwulf, I care.

Perhaps, in your busy moments between now and the next election for Mayor of Mitchieville, you will pause to reflect on how I, Fenris Badwulf, have taken a leadership role in helping people. Perhaps I could help you become happier or achieve your goals. Everyone has their price. Would you be Walter, or Xenon-12 in the weeks to come? Perhaps you just wish that nosy meddling do-gooders would mind their own business and just ignore a few potholes. Nobody wants a nosy meddling do-gooder in the office of Mayor of Mitchieville. With your votes and my dystopian vision, we can fill the world with laughter, your laughter. You want what you deserve. Let me help someone else to give it to you.

I, Fenris Badwulf, other-sacrificing devotee of Set, The Snake God, tireless servant of You, The People of Mitchieville, dictated this to my hard-working minion ikthis, who lives in fear.