Horoscope for the week of July 15, 2007

Aries: Your discovery of a new font, actually one that was hidden and dormant in the vast database that is your operating system, will inspire you to yet more great works of acheivement. The pebble in your shoe on Tuesday turns out to be a diamond.

Taurus: Insects threaten invasion of your almost favorite food crop. What would the Kaiser do? Gas them! Arm yourself with bug spray and exterminate them by day. Savour a delicacy by the evening light and reflect on your digestion.

Gemini: For a lark, change the spellings in the corporate spell checker. Few will notice, and none will have the wits to challenge your verbal authority. Advance your plans for the coup d'etat.

Cancer: Do not listen to scary tales of kitchen staff being eaten by polar bears. This will give you both nightmares and indigestion. Either move to Toronto, where there are no bears, or send someone else out first. Have them carry an open jar of mayonaisse.

Leo: They are planning a birthday party for you. Be sure to make hints about the various presents you expect. And, do your Oscar best to be susprised. This will be a challenge, as your birthday is a few days off.

Virgo: Space aliens have planted a virus in your computer. Pay attention to the dates on your stock trading software and you will see that it now has a time travel capability. Tell no one.

Libra: A long lost sock re-appears in the laundry, then vanishes again. Favor your favourite fashions, even if they are not quite in style because this week what you wear will become fashionable.

Scorpio: You will discover a secret path that is shorter than the shortest path. Let the laws of physics be suspended. This week, you have the invisible windshield wipers of white privilege.

Sagittaurus: Sign many documents this week. One of these will end up being preserved for several thousand years. This is your first connection with immortality.

Capricorn: While you contemplate the cup you made from the skull of an enemy, your gloating will be tempered by the distasteful realization that the miscreant had a better dentist.

Aquarius: Immerse your head in water and you will be able to hear the conversations of higher beings. Full immersion works best; and if the color of the container is periwinkle, even better.

Pisces: Things will come to you when you need them. Staples, for example, on Tuesday. And stamps, on Thursday. Arm yourself with a fly swatter on the weekend.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this