The Boiling Rains are coming ... eeek!

Just last night I was sitting in my living room with my wife, two children and my loyal dog, cat, and iguana, (a representative of our Reptile Canadian minority), just watching television. Just like You, whoever you are, you who accept being called you for yourself.

My wife, Mrs. Fenris Badwulf, and I have been happily married for some twenty five years now. Thanks to the welfare state, we have enjoyed the good things in life. Things we do not approve of have been taxed and tithed and registered and licensed and ticketed. Things we approve of have been subsidized, celebrated in song and dance, and rewarded with jobs, positions, parties, and plaques. We eat well on your food. I get government workers gas at 23 cents a litre, because all I pay is refunded. We are tax spenders, not taxpayers. It is good, living high on the hog.

But my entire family, my loving wife, my loving son and daughter, and my loyal dog, were all outraged when we saw other people spending their own money on things we do not approve of. My wife was so upset that she spilled the bowl of custard and cake she was eating. My son, Gengis, choked on his chocolate-raisin oat meal. My daughter, Lucretia, dropped her cell phone in the cats dish of nutritious anchovy flavoured pressed-shaped bran mush nuggets. My dog, Ugloo, stopped chasing butterflies in the yard and became sad eyed. The houseplants closed their flowers. The sun hid behind a cloud.

There is Bad News in the Badwulf household. From the tip of the roof to the secret subterranean shrine to Set, the Snake God, the Badwulf household, so like your own, is filled with the up-gushing social consciousnessidness (some spell this word consciousnessedness be sure to enter this spelling irregularity into your user’s spelling database in your Blackberry) of the horrible implausibility of Boiling Rain. It could be coming, maybe soon, maybe never. But, oooh, what if it were true? Are your social engineers busy engineering a social solution to this neither plausible nor realistic problem? Who is responsible? What is the action plan? Where is the office space you are renting? When are cheques going to flow? Why aren’t more people concerned about what does not exist?

What is ‘Boiling Rain‘, Fenris? The horrible boiling rain occurs when two hurricanes collide. The cells of the hurricanes act like zygotes and form a super hurricane. At the fearsome center of this monster of wind, clouds of water form high in the atmosphere where they absorb leaking microwave oven rays and become super heated . They fall to the earth as drops of boiling water! Aaaargh! Earth’s most vulnerable communities, of Plant-Canadians, or of Non-Burrowing Non-Egg-laying Insect-Canadians, will suffer under this ghastly future. They will Die, they may Suffer! We must act now! The poor petunia and the potato will not like boiling rain. Their friends, the petunia borer (infestans septic pestans) and the potato cockroach (Fenianianii cthulumite) would die, too. They might even suffer.

Send me your money, and I will send you the Comic Book, Fenris Badwulf’s tale of Worser Global Warming. This comforting comic book is issue seven in the Fenris Badwulf tales series. And it is yours, free as my gift to you, when you send me your money. It will explain everything, (at a five year old level to include all IQ’s above 45! Isn’t that comforting?) and includes a workbook section, and tithing template.

Let us tax and spend our way to a guilt free future. Lots of other people have money that they are not using for something I approve of. Let us, you and I, spend other people’s money, together, as friends and fellow followers of fairness and fellowship.

Boiling Rain #2, by Fenris Badwulf

crossposted at DustMyBroom, where everyone fears this peril.

Note to staff: Where the heck is the guy supposed to be churning out the comic book thing? It’s seven months behind schedule. What would Hitler do if he had this problem? I am going to bring this up at the next party Council, at the Comic Book Steering Sub-Committee. The Sales Wolves keep selling subscriptions, 78 this week alone, and now people are starting to complain. They have paid, and now get nothing. The security guard at the gate was attacked by an irate customer with a baseball bat. The customer escaped. The guard has been sent to light duties in the furnace. Just make it up. Throw some shit down on paper and wave it around like it smells nice, like a lilac bush in bloom