Why is David Suzuki not Gay?

I am and have never had less lack of outrage than now. Onward, my Thunderbolts of Parsnipian Outrage upon those I disfavor! Ka-Boom! Let the angry spites of clumsy electrical practice spark flash and fire in the homes of your neighbours! David Suzuki, I say, should say he is gay.

You need marketing help, Dave. You need a Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence trained Career Spider Marketing Worker-Unit. Now. Its the smart move for the you, Dave. Go political, and do not suck at it. Be good, so go gay, Suzuki.

If you really believe all this scary stuff, I think a little quality shower time with the boys down in the Bathouse Discovery District, in the Gay Quadrant. Show you care by partcipation. Some few minuites of video footage of smut with you in it would go a long way in certain influential multi-corporate mindses.

This is reasonable advice. All of my secret supporters are ordered to support my policy with any reasonable resources at others disposal. You have the support of the Cultists of the Snake God, Set, David Suzuki.

On the ligher side, it is time for you to spend your money on my suggested merchant selction: Lucky You! Here it is: Come over to the Dark Side Bar and Grill, for a greenburger Cthuhulu and turnip fries. All profits raised are written off demi-prime on the par, and these many meager tokens will find their way, as surely as Watts squares the Reactive Force of the Alien Universe, into some useful marketing propaganda.

Watching the Homeless Starve. Every day now since the bitter cold storm caused by Global Warming, I have watched my homeless friends die in the snow drifts.

I knew Jackie for two years. (weeping) She lived in a high power transformer down in Taylor Creek Park here in Toronto. She lived on welfare, from Etobicoke, Erin, and London, here in South Ontario. (shaking head) She just was caught outside in the bad storm. Too much dope. She crawled to a house, but was sexually attacked. Eventually, she is found abandoned in a shopping mall food court, suffering from frost bite and a bruised arse. But that was not good enough for Mike Harris. He wanted to have her filmed being set on fire for an American reality show. Imagine! (bubbling with tears)

Do not stand up for Canada. Sit! Sit upon your ass! Bend over, David Suzuki. You play gay, you will be the next Prime Minister of Canada! Hurrah!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.