I am defeated

It is with a heavy heart and even heavier wallet that I tender my resignation from the campaign for Mayor of Mitchieville.

Unfortunately, my defeat is certain. The current Mayor has won the hearts of too many of the good people of Mitchieville. While I hold a commanding advantage among certain vital segments of the voting public (such as bureaucrats, welfare recipients, telemarketers, and used car salesmen) and the endorsement of key industrial leaders (The Civil Service Union, the Axis of Taxspenders, the Telemarketers Triad, and the Guild of Guilded Guile), I do not have sufficient votes to secure victory.

Despite my best efforts to divide and rule, I am unable to subvert either the Mayor or Lisa. While a number of fringe candidates have dropped from the race (Lothar Bisquick, for example), it is now down to a struggle of epic proportions. Lisa has a food taster with a constitution worthy of Rasputin. She keeps on accepting the Peach Pit Pie, Chicken Caligula, and Forest Mushroom Soup left for her consumption without any effect. The Mayor does not seem to use brakes when he drives, so the lack of them (we call them 'Zen Brakes' over at Pirate Motors) has not worked.

Alas, I must clean out my desk at Mitchieville. As I set the timers, fuses, and leave a farewell cylinder of propane on the stove, my eyes are filling with tears. No doubt, there will be some sort of purge, and I will be left to my own devices. My successor as Minister of Re-Education will be someone other than me.

Yes, Fenris Badwulf is out of the race for Mayor of Mitchieville.

I hereby endorse the Mayor for Mayor. I encourage all of my loyal subordinates to stay tuned to shortwave radio for fresh instructions.

As for that turncoat swine, Sargon the Magnificent, well, if you ever want to see your fancy book of alchemy back, I suggest you hand over the cure for the plague of warts that you have afflicted me with. Sargon, I am sure the health and safety of you and your family come first in your mind.

I now retire to my military command post. I have an insurgency to crush.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.